“Paris?” Emile makes his way to where I’m standing. The police and feds had left ten minutes ago but I was still frozen in place.
My brother
St. Lilith’s
“I need to…can I use your computer?”
“Sure.”
I trip over myself and head back inside. I sit down and open Google. I type in “St. Lilith’s” even though every bone in my body is begging me not to. I’m not supposed to remember this. It’s safer.
Nothing comes up except a blank Wikipedia page. I type in ‘St. Lilith’s’ and ‘1995’. All I get is the small town’s Geocities website. Saint Lilith’s isn’t even really a town--- it was a census-designated area. According to the page the name ‘St. Lilith’s” was unofficially give to this area of Morris County as a joke and it stuck.
A joke about what? I knew didn’t I ?
“I can go with you to the police station”, Emile offers.
There was something I was supposed to remember.
“It’s Saturday. She won’t see a judge or be arraigned until Monday. I doubt Rainer will allow for special treatment. Besides I need to find answers.”
“Answers to what?”
“My past. Also my brother”
“The arsonist?”
“No. He’s a kid. I mean he was. Fuck. He was barley sixteen last time I saw him.”
I feel a strong headache coming on.
“You seem a bit dazed, Paris”
“Emile. I don’t know what Rainer was talking about. I didn’t know Sera was an asylee. Rainer mentioned a genocide? It sounds familiar but my memories are so hazy.”
Emile thinks on this.
”I guess I kind of remember the story. Eastern Europe was a mess in the early 90s. I remember something about a group of child refugees arriving in America. I think that happened.”
“I’ve got to get
home.” I run out of the house and to my car. My whole life felt like it was caving in.
“Be careful, Paris.” Emile calls.
I drive as fast as I can back to the house. I know every inch of the house. I’d helped design and plan it. I cleaned it every day. I always made sure everything was in its place. Sera would have to work if she wanted to hide something from me. I grab a ladder and check every cabinet and crawlspace I normally couldn’t reach.
I find plenty of hidden bottles of malt liquor and cheap imported vodka but nothing that will tell me the truth about my past. Where would she hide something that important?
The dungeon.
I bolt down to the basement. The purple inset lights fade on with each step. I hadn’t really been in her since we made out “alibi” video. I tear the place apart. I look under the bed, overturn drawers and clear every shelf. I find nothing except the hidden microphones, candy bar wrappers and a few stacks of very unusual explicit adult comics.
I run back up the bedroom and go through ever inch. When I clear her bookshelf I come across the toucan beanie baby she’d carried back in college. I look at the tag, just like I had eight years ago when she moved into my apartment.
Love Mom
I read it clear as day. Except this time I’m now aware it isn’t written in English.
Finally I go to the garage and consider the tile roofing. I poke and prod at every tile until one gives. I slide it out and find Sera’s old polka dot overnight bag. It still smells like the cheap cologne Sera wore when we lived in Boston. I dig around in the bag and find a tea box. Nestled inside are a few buttons from one of my old shirts, matches from a Mexican restaurant and finally a newspaper clipping. I can make out a black and white photo of the stern faced nuns huddled with thin threadbare shell shocked girls. I look closer and see Hmjeu is also in the photograph. Most of the ink is faded.
… HOME COUNTRY…. TODAY GRANTED …63 ORPHANS….BRUTAL. SLAYING….SMALL TOWN OPENS ARMS
I keep digging and find a stack of adoption papers for a boy matching my description. I run a finger over the familiar signature on the adoptive father line.
Hmjeu had legally adopted me when I was ten. I did the math--- this must have been when he was diagnosed with his cancer. He never told me.
He’d been my mentor and guardian… but he’d also been my father.
+++
Rainer isn’t surprised to see me at the police station on Sunday. When I’m lead back to the clerk’s office Mrs. Landow gets up from her desk and wraps her arms around me. Rainer glares then heads into her office.
“You poor thing.”
“I’m okay Mrs. Landow”
“You look sick. Do you need me to stay with you? Goodness look at your eyes. Have you been sleeping?”
“I’m fine. I’m here to pick up a copy of Sera’s arrest record.”
“Oh. Right”
Mrs. Landow runs around her desk and produces the file. I pull it open and review the evidence. I see Sera’s phone records. There is a highlight every time she called Durell Pen. She’d called three times a week consistently but stopped after the fire. The rest of the file is a copy of the sign-in sheets at Durell Pen. Sera had been visiting every few months for almost six years.
“I’m sure Mistress Ath---Mrs. Girgori didn’t do it.”
“I know she didn’t”, I say, “Mrs. Landow, Rainer doesn’t
want to hear this from me but… I have a tip. Can you tell her you got it
anonymously?”
“Sure.”
“It’s about Lydia…”
“Mancini “, she finishes, “The stolen car? We found it a few days after it was taken.”
“I know. Listen, Lydia Mancini’s car is related to the arson. Whoever stole that car was at the scene of the fire.”
“What makes you say that?”
I want so badly to tell her I saw it there after that fire. That the arsonist chased me down in it. But I don’t.
“I just got a tip.”
“Okay. Do you need someone to come over? I’m sure I could…fill in for Mrs. Grigori I’ve learned a lot about…the lifestyle”
“That’s generous but I’m actually headed out of town.”
+++
Durell is only an hour and a half away from Harrison County. I feel out of place entering this sober gray box. My funny bright kid brother didn’t belong in here.
I only vaguely listen to the rules as I’m shuffled along with a crowd of people to the visiting room. This dark industrial place feels inhumane and grim. I can’t feel anything except the hollow ache from where I’d removed my metal nipple piercings in the prison parking lot.
I don’t even know who I’m looking for once I’m let in. I haven’t seen my brother in ten years. I only recognize him because of his dark eyes. We have the same sharp cheekbones and dark hair. He still has his smattering of freckles.
“Jona”, I say though it sounds more like a question. I reach out for him but he shakes his head.
He looks hardened. He is shorter like me and I can’t imagine he has fared well in this place.
“That bitch finally tell on me.” He says and it sounds kind of like him.
“Watch your mouth.”
He sits there with his arms folded trying to look tough. I can see through his fake bravado. He’s bulked up a little and shaved down his curly hair. It’s been almost ten years but to me he is still that self-righteous sixteen year old who sided with his boyfriend and kicked me out of my only home.
“What the hell happened Jona?”
“How did you even get in? They said a new lawyer was coming.”
“I’m the lawyer. I lied so I could get in. Didn’t Sera tell you I went to law school? Since she’s apparently been visiting you for six years.”
“We don’t’ talk about you. I told her I didn’t want to hear about you.”
“But you took our money? I see she’s been putting money on your books for years.”
He sucked his teeth. “She told me it was her money.”
That was technically true. I was just annoyed she’d given him money back when things were really tight financially.
“What happened, Jona? Were you framed? I can look over your case.”
He brings his thumbnail to his mouth. He did that all the time as a kid. That familiar gesture is oddly comforting.
“The Boy’s Home needed money, Paris.” he continued, “The state funds weren’t cutting it anymore. Jobs were scarce. We found out the home had a massive insurance policy because it was built in the 1800’s.”
I gripped the table.
“You fucking burned the home down? “
“No. We practiced on this old abandoned house on Weatley Street first. That place went up so fast. It was scary but effective.”
“We?”
“I mean…I…it was just me”
“Jona”, I say as a warning. I can easily imagine Ashe and Lysander right there with him. But Jona would have been a juvenile. He could have taken the fall and not have it ruin his life.
“I waited a few weeks then set the fire in The Boy’s Home. I made sure no one was home. I messed up. I didn’t do it right. The firetruck showed up way too soon and put it out. They could tell it had been set on purpose. They arrested me on the spot. Somehow they connected me to the Weatley Street fire. Bam. Two arson charges and 7 years in adult prison”
“How much longer do you have?”
“29 months.” he says.
Damn. He’d been locked up most of the time I was gone
“How long have you and Sera been talking?”
He laughs.
“Let’s see. She showed up in town 8 years ago looking for me. Lysander told her I was in custody. She was so fucking butch I didn’t even recognize her. When she said she married you… we all assumed it was for citizenship. She was freaked out because you didn’t remember anything about our past. She kept visiting. We became friends I guess.”
“…Why don’t I remember my past?”
Jona shrugs but there is a false casualness.
“Ashe said when we came to America you were checked out mentally. They used this word from our language…soulless. You were vacant and afraid of everything. Hmjeu sent you away to some kiddie insane asylum.”
I look over at my brother.
“No. You have it wrong. We were all placed in foster care after the tragedy. Hmjeu found us and bought us all together. That’s what happened.”
“No”, my brother says and the word feels heavy, “That’s not what happened. Also we stopped calling it ‘the tragedy’ when we stopped being kids. You can just say genocide.”
“Genocide?” I finally say the word and feel that nausea building up again.
“After the genocide Hmjeu brought us to Canada and snuck us into America. He had friends who helped us get asylum in St. Lilith’s. As soon as we got here Hmjeu sent you to a pediatric mental hospital for three years. You were a little kid but you were really fucked up, Paris.”
“No…”
“You ran away when you were eight. You were missing for like three days. The cops found you and you were sent back to the hospital. That night some other patients, they may have had family in The Order, cut up your face. Hmjeu sued the hospital and brought you home. Ashe said you just pushed down all your memories.”
“I was eight? Eight year-olds can’t do that.” I did do that though…hadn’t I?
Jona sighs.
“Ashe said it was it was like those scars reset your fucking brain. Suddenly you only spoke English and blocked out anything about our Home or past. Whenever we talked about Home you’d just go mental or have a breakdown. Hmjeu said we couldn’t try to push your memory and forbade us from talking about the genocide around you.”
I feel remnants of the anxiety that had plagued me a kid. How I’d always felt apart from the others. I take a deep breath ready for the next part.
“Tell me. Who am I? Who are we?”
I can tell he has been waiting for this.
“We’re royalty, I guess. In The Old Country”, he explains, “It was a small independent Eastern European state. Our dad was a top general in the government. In the 80s this radical culty religious minority started demanding more rights, land and independence. They were called The Order. It’s a rough translation. They were religious psychos. They were violent, anti-capitalist and really conservative.
In ’88 there was a bombing that killed the president. Our…Dad took his place. He was the Grande Presidential Commander or some shit. He mandated that The Order leave the country. The Order didn’t leave and a civil war broke out…”
“Fuck. My father is a warlord. Our father.”
Jona nods, “There were bombing and raids for years between both sides. The Order was brutal. They’d kidnap and kill at will. They were dirty, poor and fanatical. In 1992 Dad started rounding up anyone who followed The Order religion and killing them. Men, women and children. He burned churches. Killed Order nuns and priests.”
“Jona”, I say and my heartbreaks.
“It was a really poor country. People couldn’t leave but Hmjeu did. Hmjeu was one of us…but he fell in love with The Order religion and converted. He’d been exiled for decades.
Hmjeu used his fancy Harvard connections to get in front of the U.N and begged them to send relief. He told me he left The Order priesthood when he realized how brutal both sides were.
“Fuck.”
“The country was decimated by 1996. The city and towns had been abandoned. The Order only had a few backwater strongholds. Dad’s troops had wiped out most of the followers out.”
“Fuck”, I say feeling like I knew the rest.
“There was this girl’s school. Dad sent troops to round everyone up. The Order tried to defend it. It was a battle zone. Some nuns managed to hide a few students in the basement. They hid out there for 12 days. Forty-three of the students survived.
I knew those survivors.
I’d grown up with them.
“The U.N. got them out”, Jona continues, “But those religious bats will insist it was God. “
“What about us? How did we survive?”
His legs shake under the table.
“No matter what our Dad did--- know that The Order was worse. The Order took as many lives as our side did and they were more brutal, especially to women.”
I nodded but I didn’t believe him. He was clearly biased
“When our Dad found out that the U.N forces were after him he got paranoid. He didn’t want to accept defeat. He refused to leave country as prisoner and be tried for war crimes. He wanted to die a free man. He wanted all of us to die free. He ordered his soldiers and cabinet to kill their families and then themselves.
Some were so brainwashed they did it. Some hid their families. Others tried to smuggle them out.
“He took Mercy on us.” I say feeling the rush of guilt, “He let us live.”
“He didn’t”, Jona says, “The story goes that after killing our mother, our father went to me next but you grabbed me and bit him. Then you ran. He was shooting at us. Cursing. You were his heir and you disgraced him by running… but you kept running. You saved us.”
My eyes started to burn. I was never going to let myself remember that moment. I remember a fear I couldn’t place. I remember…a field. I remember wanting…a woman to hold me. I remember blood and empty streets. I remember fear and everything feeling infinite. I remember my childhood ending in that moment. War and genocide had taken everything from me. I’d never been loved. I’d never been taken care of. I’d never been safe.
“What about our other Brothers?”
Jona smiles.
“Their Dad’s took mercy on them. They told them to hide in the woods. We all found each other. That’s what Ashe says anyway. He says he remembers hiding in the woods until the ‘good men’ came.”
“Why have I never heard of this?”
He shrugs.
“It was a small country. The land got annexed pretty quickly. Everything went down the same time as that OJ Simpson trial so U.S news really didn’t care about us.”
I sit back.
“I still don’t remember any of it.”
“Yeah, I know. Like I said after you got back from the asylum you just put up a mental block. Sometimes we would try to force you to remember but you’d go catatonic and back to the looney bin for a few weeks. Hmjeu said we should never push you on it. On his deathbed he made us all promise that we wouldn’t make you remember.
We had to live with the nightmare…but you didn’t. I don’t know how Sera puts up with it.”
“You’re lying.” I say even though I know he isn’t, “I’m a U.S Citizen.”
He bites his lip.
“Hmjeu adopted you when you were 10. Ashe said he did it because you wouldn’t shut up about college and he thought it would be easier if you were American. Hmjeu was naturalized so it was the fastest way to make you a U.S citizen. The nuns said Hmjeu shouldn’t encourage you to get into politics in case you turn out like dear old dad.”
I grip my legs. I wasn’t a ruthless dictator…but I was leaving behind my fair share of bodies. Maybe I was too radical in my beliefs. Maybe I was to righteous…like my biological father.
“We gave up reality for you, Paris. We carried your burden and you left us for Harvard the minutes you had the chance. It’s not fair. You know, Hmjeu could have adopted all of us…he could have adopted me too…I’m your brother.”
“I had no idea.”
“Honestly, Paris? When you left we were finally able to talk about the past openly. It felt good. We love you and Hmjeu… but he gave you so much. The rest of us felt like we were left behind again.”
I sat back taking it all in.
“I’m sorry. I wish I’d been stronger. If I’d known I wouldn’t have taken the money and gone to Harvard. I would have given it all up if I’d known.”
“I know.” Jona says. His eye were intense and starting to redden, “We hated you for leaving… deep down we all knew Hmjeu’s wanted you to go to Harvard. It still sucked.”
“I love you, Jona. I am sorry for all the pain I’ve caused you.”
“Fuck...Paris. You’re so soft.” He says wiping his eyes.
“You all didn’t have to do that for me. I didn’t deserve it”
“It’s whatever. I’m just glad Sera finally told you.”
Fuck. That’s right.
“She didn’t. I only found out because she got arrested.”
“No shit.” Jona leans in.
“There was a deadly fire three weeks ago. It was arson and the town has pretty much decided it was Sera. The police found out she’s been visiting you and …it gave them cause.”
He laughs.
“I’m barley an arsonist. They bumped up my charges because they thought I was one of Helios’ thugs.”
“Did you ever talk about your crime with her? Give her ideas?”
“No. We don’t talk about what got me in here. She tells me about the outside world and I tell her anything I hear about her Sisters. Sera was such weirdo growing up but she’s cool. She’s also fucked Callum a lot. She said you guys were open but like…a lot. “
I had to force myself to move past that.
“So you didn’t help or teach Sera how to set the fire?”
“No”, He holds up his hand and for the first time I noticed the burned wrinkled red skin, “I used to tell her than anyone who sets a fire better prepared to get burn.”
“The town thinks .she did it for revenge.”
He shrugs, “People don’t really do that. “
This pulls my interest, “Do what?”
“Commit arson for revenge.”
“Are you an expert now?”
“Kind of.” He says, “I’ve been trying to get my case appealed for years. I read up on a ton of other arson convictions. People usually commit arson for one of three reasons; fixation, opportunity or money. They got me on money. Once the prosecutor found out about the million dollar fire insurance policy I didn’t stand a chance.”
I briefly explain my predicament to my brother. He listens intently.
“It has to be your boss and his cronies. He gets the money to cover his stealing and an opportunity to cover up the evidence. It’s no question. There is another obvious answer.”
“What? “
“Seraphina.”
“But you just said—“
A loud buzz startles me.
“Five minutes warning”, he explains
Fuck. The time had gone buy so fast. I am finally talking to my brother and it was ending like this.
“I’ll come back. Every weekend”, I say in parting, “I promise. Maybe I can see if I can get you out of here early.”
He shakes his head, “I’ll serve my time. Maybe I can talk to Ashe. Get him to write to you. I‘ve had a lot of time to think in here. I don’t think Hmjeu would like us being distant.”
“I’d like that.”
“Paris, I just…I wish he would have adopted me to.”
“Me too.”
“Look Paris. I mention Seraphina because she really loves
you. I’ve never seen you two together but she’s…intense about her feelings. I
don’t know if she’s crazy or if you fucking hypnotized her. But she’s fixated
on you.”
“What are you saying?”
“That she would kill for you. Burn the world down and lie about it.”
The guard comes back in. I want to hug my brother but since I’m playing his lawyer I just shake his hand. It’s firm though and leaves an impression.
+++
Sera’s arraignment gets dragged out another week. The court refused to set bail because they felt she was a flight risk. I went to work every day and pretended like I was keeping it together. I sat through zoning meetings, development proposals and budget presentation with the very people who were trying to tear my very small family apart.
“You didn’t have to come in this week”, Day says on Thursday when he run into each other at the small coffee bar on the floor we shared with the school board.
“I have to put my district first”, I say, “I should be good to present my goals in our strategic initiative meeting.”
“Good.”
My voicemail and inbox were overflowing with inquiries from constituents asking about Sera’s arrest. I hadn’t been able to deal with them so I ignored most of them. I’d decided now was a good time to keep my private life separate from my work life.
“How is your wife?” I ask out of politeness.
“The same. Her parents are flying in next week. :
I fight to get a grip on my mug as I follow Day to the conference room. My hands are already starting to shake from the caffeine.
Without Seraphina around I had way too much time on my hands and not enough structure. I stayed up all night calling my former professors for a crash course in criminal law. When I couldn’t handle that I spent all night cleaning the house. The Landows came over one night for dinner and Carver offered up a few connections who could help if Sera somehow got deported. I dusted all her books, steamed all her clothes, and organized her make-up and sex toys. I’d deep cleaned her entire room so it would be perfect when she came back.
Last night I’d been carefully organizing a giant box of photos Sera had accumulated when the doorbell sounded. Emile was on the other side with a big brown bag.
“Mrs. Ginger said you looked like have been having a rough go of it. When is the last time you ate?”
I couldn’t remember. Yesterday?
“Thanks. Come in.” I lead him through the living room—which is still crowded with moving boxes.
Emile laod out the takeout and beer. Usually I hated eating in front of people but I was touched Emile took the time.
“This is from a great vegan Italian restaurant in Lowell.” He explained.
We didn’t talk about the arson or Sera. The conversation was clearly meant to be a pleasant distraction. It was actually a pretty good evening. The food was better than most Manhattan restaurants and Emile was interesting. He was way more traveled than I was. I’d correctly clocked him as an Ivy League grad but he didn’t seem to hold Princeton in the same high regard I did Harvard.
“Everything will be fine”, Emile said at the end of the night.
“I hope so.”
I follow Day into the conference room for our meeting. We’re early and sit in an awkward silence for several minutes.
“How’s Sera?” Days asks.
“I don’t know. I haven’t been able to see her.”
“What?”
“County jail was overcrowded so they randomly transferred a bunch of inmates to Bridgeport. By the time I got there the Feds had requested she be moved to Hartford in case they …have to deport her.”
“Maybe I can help—“
“You’ve done enough.”
“Let me pay for a lawyer at least.”
I grip my fist under the table.
“Why? Isn’t this what you wanted? Isn’t this why you all hired a private investigator”
“I had very little to do with that”, Day insists, “That was the wives.”
“If you want to help tell the truth about the embezzlement. Maybe Bruno or Lee set the fire to destroy the evidence and don’t want to admit it.”
“I can’t. I’m already scheduled to announce my gubernatorial run on Independence Day. There is no point in bringing up the past. Hopefully we can get Sera out this week and you can both be at the announcement. I’m not against finding you a place in my cabinet.”
“I fucking am.” I say while downing the bitter coffee, “This is my fuc--
I stop as the others file in.
“We miss something? “Bruno asks.
“Paris was just—“
“I know one of you set the fire.” I find the confidence to finally say, “Because I was there. One of you shoved me in my office and tried to take me out with the evidence. I was set up and too afraid to say anything. Fuck that. I can’t sit here and do my job like I don’t know what’s been going on. You stole hundreds of thousands of dollar and now you’re too afraid to do the time. Now you are trying to take the only person who has ever loved me away. Fuck that.”
Lee clears his throat, ‘Paris. I know you are going through a lot but this is Rainer’s investigation. Not ours. I know things have gotten personal now that your wife and brother are involved.”
“My brother made some mistakes. You know what he told me about setting those fires? He said whenever you set a fire prepared to be burned. I’m ready. I just hope you are.”“Let’s settle down”, Bruno says annoyed, “Kid has lost his mind.”
Lost my mind? No. I’d apparently been crazy my entire life.
“Paris. Listen to me”, Day says, “No one in this room tried to kill you. If you can’t work us as a team to support this county…then I will have you removed from office.”
“Do it”, I challenge him, “Remove me from office. Guess what? I still have hard copies of the evidence against you. I hid the files where none of you will ever find them. Remove me from office and I’ll go public.”
Everyone looks at Day and then back at me. I was over-exaggerating. My partial dossier was exactly that. Partial.
“Cortland”, Bruno says expecting him to fix this. To fix me.
“Paris. You have 6 more months to serve until we are all up for re-election. I need you to quietly serve your six months and I will speak with the DCC about finding you any role you want in another jurisdiction. Can we carry on civilly and discuss new district ordinances--”
“Am I supposed to sit quietly while a thief runs for governor”, I ask.
“You’re running for Governor?” Hollins asks. No one else looks surprised.
Day continues, “Paris. I think you need to consider taking a leave of absence--”
“No. I’ve been reliving a shit ton of trauma and I’m really not in the mood to enable shitty leaders—“
“You’re fired Paris”, Day spits out harshly. His jovial tone gone.
“I’m an elected official. You can’t.”
Day slams down a code book so hard the table jumps. He flips through.
“Article 6.78. A quorum of elected officials can outs a sitting district representative if cause is found.”
“What’s the cause?” I ask.
“Officially? It’s disruption to the continuation of work and service. Unofficially it’s because you’re a fucking asshole. Let’s vote. Those in favor say ‘I’. “
A chorus of three ‘I’s goes up.
Day regains his usual calm.
“I’m sorry it had to end this way Paris. I’ll get security to escort you out.