±1±
Seraphina had a small misshapen black and white polka dot duffel over her shoulder. She looked a little worn in her frayed boot cut jeans, patched up dark brown work boots and faded oversized gray flannel. Her hair was shaved to her scalp and if it hadn’t been for her eyes, which were bright blue but rimmed in red, and height I wouldn’t have recognized her.
“Paris?” she said again. I stopped not sure I was seeing right. I just. I couldn’t place her here. I hadn’t seen anyone from my hometown in almost two years. I hadn’t even thought about Sera since I helped her graduate. She and Leon hadn’t suck around for graduation. She was the last person I’d expected to see at Harvard of all places. I went on the defensive.
“Sera? What are you doing here?”
She shifted awkwardly, suddenly aware of the students staring at us. It was rare that Wentworth’s weird roommate had a visitor.
“I …work at …Pink Paradise…it’s a bar…by the park.” She said.
“A bar? What park?”
“The park”, she said squinting at me, “Fenway Park.”
“Oh”, I said remembering Wentworth mentioning it.
“I…one of the girls at the bar goes here. She said she could look up where you lived…” I realized she was explaining how she found me. Her voice was a little deeper than I remembered and her shorn hair made her high cheekbones more pronounced and sharp. It was…distracting.
“Oh. Well. Hi.” I said, “So…are you…you live here?”
“…I’m moving between couches…”
“So you are in… Boston?”
“Yeah”, she said quietly. Her eyes were glassy and I was worried she might be high. I didn’t fuck with drugs and I got a little panicky.
“Small world...”
Our small talk continued for about two more minutes. I looked at my watch aware that I was missing my precious nap. I nervously tugged Hmjeu’s leather messenger bag over my shoulder. I kept waiting for Sera to leave or put an end to this awkwardness. What did she want from me? Money? What she going to mug me like she did in high school? Should I tell her I was broke?
Sera didn’t break the silence we were trapped in, so I did.
“So…um how about a campus tour?” I suggested because I didn’t know how to bail on her.
She nodded and I gave her a quick detailed history of Winthrop House then an abridged tour of the campus. I showed her the Econ building, library and quad-- giving all the historical details I’d memorized growing up. She nodded along but I could tell she was distracted. After the tour I invited her up as a guest to the dining hall since I’d missed my event
“So…you joined the military right.” I said once we were seated in a far corner of the dining hall. I could tell she was hungry but she was careful to not let it show. I could now see she was hungover, I’d learned the symptoms from Wentworth. Sera nods her hands going to her scalp.
“I made it through Marine boot camp with Leon. You remember Leon?”
“Of course. That’s amazing.” I said.
“It was what we needed. We had a roof over our heads and three meals a day. Boot camp was intense. Afterward Leon started battle training…they sent me to food services.”
“That’s different.” I said trying to imagine Seraphina cooking.
“My test were good enough to get into sniper school. I mean…have you even seen or taking part a gun? It’s…just…I liked it. They are so powerful and it feels good when you make that perfect shot.”
“Uh….” I said remembering I’d invited the angry girl from high school who dated a local thug into a college building. She could be dangerous… who knew what she had in that duffle bag.
“…but they barley let women into the Marines let alone sniper school plus I wasn’t going to hide that I was queer.”
I wanted to launch into a part conversation part debate about the Iraq war and the role of the U.S military but I awkwardly digressed.
“Uhhh…So you left?” I said.
“I was kicked out four months ago”, she considered her scarred knuckles, “I just couldn’t deal with assholes telling me what to do. I had zero choice in anything…just like in high school. The guys were okay but Leon had been sent overseas. I got into fights, fucked authority… drank a little too much. They got tired of my shit. I was dishonorably discharged. I wasted like…two years.”
‘“It…kind of sounds lie you sabotaged yourself.” I said
She looked up at me as if this hadn’t occurred to her, “Maybe.”
“So you came to Boston”, I asked still not seeing how she ended up here.
“I went back home”, she said, “back to Helios for a little.”
“Sera.”, I said realizing too late that I’d put way too much emotion into her name
“I didn’t have anything else to go back to. Hippolyta left the home and we were together for a little bit… but she couldn’t handle being on her own. She went back.”
I knew most of the girls from Sera’s conservative foster home never left. When they turned 18 they were hired on as housekeepers, childcare workers, gardeners, home school teachers or cooks. Hippolyta had been her high school girlfriend. They had been out at school but it was an unspoken rule that no one told the strict nuns running the Girl’s Home. Getting caught and being defiant was what got Sera put out on the streets at 18. Hippolyta agreed to repent to keep her place. Hippolyta hadn’t been ready to leave then and it looked like she still wasn’t.
“My brothers won’t even talk to me.” I decided to commiserate.
“I heard about that”, she said.
“It’s not what you think”, I blurted, “I had to go. Hmjeu left that money for me. He wanted me to go to Harvard. He--
“I believe you.” she said and that made all the difference. Sera took a deep breath and focused on her uneven nails, “I wouldn’t have even made it to boot camp without my diploma. And I wouldn’t have gotten that without you tutoring me…so. ..I guess I came to say…thank you.”
“Oh”, I said speechless for the first time in however long.
Afterwards I walked Seraphina to the campus gates and that evening felt like closure to my old life. It felt good knowing I’d made a difference to one person and I’d continue doing it as a politician.
I really hadn’t expected Sera to keep showing up.
She would just randomly show up outside my dorm and sit by the fountain waiting for me. We’d exchange awkward small talk and usually after two to three hours of me blathering I’d make up an excuse to leave. Then a few days later she’d be back again.
I knew Seraphina meant well. In high school I’d overheard the counselors say she had a mild intellectual disability that most people didn’t notice. She’d had to repeat the 9th grade and been stuck in our high school’s lackluster special education courses. She was also a little anti-social and I told myself she couldn’t read my social cues. So, I just spent hours talking to her and staring into her beautiful blue eyes to make her feel less awkward
±±±
“Prince, what the hell”, Wentworth said one day while looking out the window. Sera was once again sitting on the fountain outside, “How long are you letting this go on? Do you want me to call security?”
“No. She’s new in town. I’m just being nice”
“Did she like…follow you back from one of those soup kitchens you go to?”
I shook my head wishing I hadn’t mentioned that I spent Christmases at community dinners. It was Wentworth’s new way to tease me. Every time I did something odd he’d say ‘pick that up from the soup kitchen, Prince’
“Sera and I went to high school together. “ I explained.
“Why the fuck are you even being nice to her? It’s creepy she keeps randomly showing up and stalking you. I’m not trying to have that Virginia Tech shit go down here. Just admit you’re too scared to tell her to leave you alone. I’m calling campus security.”
“Don’t”, I said even though his straight petite blonde Boston College friends randomly showed up all the time, “I’ll talk to her.”
Instead of explaining I invited Sera to go walking with me around Harvard Square and gave her my cell phone number.
“Give me a call when you want to stop by… maybe we can go out instead of just hanging around campus”, I said.
She nodded and tucked the piece of paper into her pocket.
And maybe I was guilty of not wanting to be seen on campus with her, but I didn’t need to give my classmates anymore reason to think I was strange.
Sera and I met up a few times for dinner. And not the trendy restaurant chains and tapas bars my classmates were so fond of where I usually had to be “on” and my anxiety went into overdrive when the table wanted to split the bill.
No. Seraphina and I searched for crappy hole-in-wall places just outside of Cambridge, usually a place with cheap specials we could split. A place where the staff that didn’t care if we paid in crumbled dollar bills and change. It was just nice being around someone I didn’t have to actively hide my zero dollar income status from. As rough as it was for me trying to keep up with my rich classmates I couldn’t really complain.
I learned Sera was transient. Because she was always moving between someone’s couch or a hostel she always had her little polka dot duffle bag that contained all her belongings. She cycled through the same two pairs of jeans, flannel, t-shirt and sweatshirt so she never even noticed my threadbare clothes. Meanwhile, when I tagged along with Wentworth and Carrie’s crew to check out the Chipotle that had just opened and someone made a joke about the growing hole in my prized Ralph Lauren polo shirt. I’d had it since I was 13. I assured the table it had a hole because I always washed it.
“Wasn’t the fucking point, Prince?” Wentworth had said chuffing me on the shoulder, “Just buy a new one.”
Just buy a new one. He made it sound so easy.
I also started to realize I physically attracted to Sera in a way I hadn’t been with other people. Her huge innocent looking gorgeous blue eyes made me feel weak. Her lips always looked swollen and soft, I started fantasizing about asking to kiss her. I liked the simple masculine way she dressed and how she easily carried her over 6’0 height. It was hard to make her laugh but when she did I felt…fluttery.
I’d always had a low sex drive and because most of my teen years were spent apprenticing with Hmjeu I was never encouraged to explore the idea. I asked him once and he told me I’d find it appalling and not to ever think about it and I should only masturbate if it’s an emergency—so I just did it a few times when I hit puberty at the late late age of 16 .
As a teen I was too afraid to confront the idea of sex so I was willfully ignorant. I only ever picked up what gross things I heard in high school bathrooms. I happily thought I was asexual or something on that spectrum. I mean I’d put up with the Penthouse magazine’s Wentworth kept by the toilet but was too afraid to look at them. Sera made me curious.
±2±
One night Sera and I met up for this 1$ taco night at a dive bar off Harvard Square. She’d stumbled in late, freshly showered and hungover. I immediately noticed that she’d cut the sleeves off her sweatshirt and I couldn’t top staring at her tan hard sculpted arms. Surviving boot camp had left her with a lot more muscle than before, but it was usually hidden under her clothes.
“You okay?” I asked. It wasn’t the first time I’d seen her puffy eyed and hungover in the two months we’d been friends.
“Yeah”, she rubbed her eyes, “I kept messing up last night. My boss keeps threatening to fire me. ”
I waited for her to elaborate but she never did. Sera never said more than three sentences when we hung out. She didn’t want to talk about her dead end job assisting the bartender at Pink Paradise, she couldn’t’ verbalize her issues with alcohol and would only occasionally comment on her extremely active sex life when I offered her the free condoms they kept throwing students around campus.
Sera liked hearing my stories about Harvard’s traditions and rituals. Plus she was also fascinated by the lives my wealthy classmates lead.
That night, I couldn’t stop staring at her arms even as I was blathering about how hard it was to get into a fraternity without money. I was still talking when our seven vegetarian tacos arrived with a super dry margarita she’d ordered.
“Here”, Sera said offering the glass to me. She presses it to my lips and I don’t know what came over me but I suggestively licked a little salt off the rim and something flashed in Sera’s eyes.
“…I’m not twenty-one yet”, I remind her.
“Right”, she said, “Can you put something in your mouth. I have a headache and you just keep talking.”
“You like me talking or you wouldn’t have come. Also maybe you don’t need this”, I said pushing the drink toward the bartender and ordering Sera a black coffee.
I’d gotten in the habit of challenging Sera which I later realized was me flirting with her. Sera propped head on her hands, then rolled her eyes at me as the bartender sets down her coffee.
“It’s just you’re hungover a lot.” I tried to say casually.
“I know. It just makes it easier”, she said downing the coffee, “This coffee taste like shit.”
“Back up. What does drinking make easier?”
She buried her face in her hands rubbing away the fog.
“Working, fucking, socializing, sleeping—“
“Being with me?”
“No. Being with you is easy, Paris. I wish I could be with you all the time.”
For once I had nothing to say. Almost.
“Can I touch your arm?”
“Why?” she said as the bartender refills her coffee.
“I can’t explain it.”
“Okay.”
I awkwardly touched her exposed skin and it struck me how warm it was and how hopelessly pale my own hand was in comparison. Her arm was solid hard muscle but I felt her pulse quicken under my hand. I was painfully curious about the rest of her body. I wondered if she felt the same way about me.
I started to fill the silence when a group of Tri Omegas barreled past us toward the game room in the back. Two of them were playfully jabbing at each other and one of them knocked Sera’s very hot coffee into my lap.
“Shit”, I cursed jumping up and bumping into a Tri Omega
“Fucking watch it man, damn”, the guy said in passing.
“Oh, I’m sorry—“
“What the fuck”, Sera said holding her leg out to block the guy’s path, “He could have been burned. You apologize. It was your fault.”
“He’s fine. Chill.” the Tri Omega tried to move around her but Sera stood up and blocked his path.
“Apologize.” she demanded.
The guy doesn’t back down and he’s just as tall as she is.
“I’m fine”, I interjected. Sure I’d have to wash my clothes in the sink since I’m out of quarters, but I was fine.
“He’s fine. Now get the fuck out of my face, asshole” The Tri Omega said.
“I’m not in your fucking face yet.”
His friends came to back him up and when Sera didn’t move he shoved her. She stumbled a little and when he laughed she pushed him into a table, the Tri Omega popped right back up and punched her in the face and she hit him back. They started grappling with each other. His friends jumped in, some of them were trying to get their friend while others were hitting her.
“What the fuck”, I said.
I tried to pull Sera out the melee but she didn’t realize it was me and knocked me to the floor. A sharp pain sung through my arm when I hit the hardwood floor.
The owner and few other patrons tried to break the fight up. When I saw someone was calling the cops I knew we had to go. I dropped the last $30 in cash I had and tried pulling Sera away again. The Tri Omegas loosened their grip on her as patrons started to yell. Sera noticed my panicked expression and followed me as I started to run out the restaurant. We had to barrel past the staff who wasn’t sure if they wanted to stop us.
“Let’s go Sera. Come on.” I said still running once we were outside. I wanted to get as far away as I could from the restaurant. The Tri’s were running out too even though the owner was shouting for them to stay. The one who started it did a double take realizing he’d hit a girl.
We ran to the Harvard Square Park and when it felt like we were in the clear I collapsed on the ground gasping for air. My legs burned and sweat was pouring down my face. Sera rolled me onto my back and handed me the water bottle from her small duffel bag.
“Sera what the hell.” I said when I could breathe again. My nose was starting to bleed and the adrenaline was wearing off.
“All he had to do was apologize. He can’t just treat you like that.”
“Yeah well, Harvard has a zero tolerance policy. I can’t get caught in the middle of shit like that.”
“Sorry, Paris”
“I—“, Pain tore through my shoulder again, “My arm.”
“Let me see”, Sera eased off my jacket and looked at my swollen arm, “I think it’s broken. Paris I’m sorry. I didn’t think you fell that hard.” Her eyes were wide with concern. They seemed to have doubled in size and I couldn’t be angry anymore. She took her sweatshirt off and her thin tank top lifted to show a slight muscular V at her hips and the contours of her abs. She wiped my bloody nose with her sweatshirt.
“I’m sorry, Paris.” She looked so fucking sweet. Like a lion that didn’t know it’s strength. I was somehow getting an erection with warm coffee on my crotch.
“It’s fine. At least you get into fights for noble reasons.”
“This is the first time.” She said quietly looking at my arm.
“Um”, I tried to stand up normally, “I should go get this checked out at the student health center. Thanks for standing up for me.”
“Anytime.”
Wentworth made a big deal that I came home past by my usual bedtime but shut-up when he saw my cast. That night I jerked off in the shower (with my good arm) for the first time in a year. I wasn’t sure if I liked Sera but I was attracted to her and was having fantasies I wasn’t comfortable confronting.
Our relationship was platonic but I felt ready to experiment with sex. It seemed obvious to at least ask her. She was open about her sex life and slept with anyone she was attracted to or she liked. I wanted to ask her but I felt out of my depth. One day I’d stupidly asked Wentworth how I should bring up sex with a girl. He laughed at me.
“Paris, there are like 3000 girls on this campus to hook-up with. You keep wanting the ideal Harvard experience you might want to start by not busting a nut over a homeless lesbian. You are so naive Paris, she only puts up with you because she thinks you have money. Do you know how drunk you need to get any girl to take your weird dick?”
Instead of putting up a fight or defending Seraphina I just gathered my books and headed back into my room. Wentworth tried to laugh it off as a joke but I’d already gone flush with embarrassment. I was also somehow thankful Wentworth (fucking idiot) had put me in my place.
Because Seraphina was trouble.
During the six weeks I was healing I only saw her a handful of times. She worked hard as a bar back but she wasn’t very good she barely got tips. Money was tight and I know she had “understandings” sometimes where she traded sex for a place to stay. It was high-risk living. When she got stressed she drank and when she drank…she got arrested. A lot.
I’d help bail her out of jail twice; once when she was arrested for public intoxication and a second time for trespassing. Each time she was too drunk to stand and I only stuck around to make sure she made it to wherever she was living at the time. There had been other times she’d called from jail and I was too broke to help so I just let the phone ring.
She was introducing bad elements I didn’t need. When my arm healed I decided I had to cut Sera out of my life. I couldn’t let myself get dragged down into her shit. I wanted to be a successful prominent politician and to get there I had to put in the work at Harvard.
I started ignoring Sera’s call and spent more time third-wheeling with Wentworth and Carrie because they were already getting summer internship offers. I thought I could pick up their scraps. Carrie and her non-profit, InspireHer, had scored a grant and was working with sponsors to give underprivileged girls the experience of travel. I loved that she wasn’t waiting until graduation to pursue her dream. That was what Harvard was all about.
Carrie was worth being stuck in the friend zone. She was kind and always reminded Wentworth to invite me when their group of friends went to Winthrop House events and parties. She introduced me to her sorority sister Kelsey, who told me I had an excited high achieving golden retriever personality. I ended up dating Kelsey for two weeks and the first time we kissed—she laughed.
“I can’t explain it. But dating you is like dating my step-dad or something.” Kelsey had said after we went on a walk in the park for a (free) date.
“…is it the Polo shirts? “, I asked and untucked it. “Let’s try the kiss again.”
“I don’t know, Paris. You’re just such an old soul. Let’s be friends.”
“I’d like that”, I said even though we never hung out after that.
I spent most of my free time that spring volunteering for the presidential campaign and working on special projects with my professors. My GPA was the 10th highest in my class, I’d made the Dean’s list and been awarded two small academic scholarships. I was finally on the right track. I was going to show my brothers that me leaving was worth it. That I would make them proud.
±3±
Just before finals Carrie begged me to join her and Wentworth for trivia night after one of their friends bailed. I was giddy all night. Carrie and Wentworth had been bickering and I was ready to slide in. All night Carrie kept touching my hand and hugging me when I got a correct answer. I was on such a high I didn’t even look when my phone rang in the middle of the fifth round. I just picked it up.
“Hello?
“I’m…I got arrested.”
At that point I hadn’t heard Sera’s voice in so long it took me a while to place it. I stood up and went to the back of the room.
“Seraphina. I can’t do this. I’m almost out of minutes and I don’t have any money.”
She’s silent for a while.
“I didn’t---I…I lost my job…I’ll pay you back. Please. Please, Paris. Please I can’t stay here. I just…I…”
Shit. She sounded scared. I’d never heard that fear in her voice. Fuck me. I snapped my phone closed. I would help. But this was it.
I reluctantly made my excuses and Carrie did that thing where she pretend to be all pouty and sad I was leaving. It was cute and kind of flirtatious.
It almost midnight when I got to the Boston Police Station. I used a credit card I’d gotten in the mail yesterday to pay her bail. She’s been arrested for public intoxication and had passed out in a fast food restaurant. The officer escorted her out and tossed her polka dot bag after her. Her hair short hair was a mess and her eyes were bright red and dilated.
“Are you okay?” I asked.
She nodded and ambled slowly behind me as I lead the way the bus stop. She stopped short of the bus stop and stared vacantly at it.
“Do you have money for fare”, I asked.
She didn’t say anything but shook her head, “Paris, I…think I should go back to Helios. I lost my job and I …Helios always said I could come back…”
“Don’t say that. Don’t go back to him.”
I looked through my pockets and found enough change for her bus fare.
“I just…where…do I go? I don’t…” She began.
Her knees gave out for a second but she caught herself. Her bag had been open and her clothes, a Beanie Baby, empty wallet and condoms fell out.
“Shit.” she bent down to gather her things with shaking hands.
I saw the bus coming and jogged to reach the stop. Sera didn’t follow.
“Come on, Sera. The bus is coming. Hurry.”
Sera just stood there and shook her head as the bus pulled in front of the stop. “Sera...”
“…I think I need to go Paris”, she murmured.
She closed her eyes tight.
“Sera. What is it?”
“I…I think…I need to…leave.”
The bus drove off and I cursed inwardly
“Sera…”
She kept her eyes closed.
“I …I... I don’t want to be here anymore. It’s too hard…I can’t…”
She opened her glassy red stained eyes and a few tears rolled down her cheeks.
“Seraphina”, I said taking slow steps towards her “Don’t say that.”
“I don’t have anything”, she spat shaking her head, “I don’t have a home, a family, friends…a job. I let a meth head fuck me for a bottle of malt liquor tonight so I could... I got tired of wandering the streets… I just wanted to…go. I got a shitty deal and I…I…I’m just done.”
She started hyperventilating and I lead her away from the bus stop and sat her down near a tree in the park across form the bus station. She just started crying…she just let out everything that was building up in her. I sat down and let her cry on me, comforting her like I’d seen in movies. She wrapped herself around me and I had a natural urge to pull her closer. I hoped I was doing this right and held her as tight as I could.
“Sera…did you do something to yourself?” I asked.
She opened her mouth to answer but couldn’t’ get the words out.
“Hold on”, I said my mind reeling with the things they told us in freshman orientation. I opened my phone to dial the crisis line they’d had us put in our cell phones but of course I was out of minutes, “Shit.”
I eventually weaved my hands into hers and walked her back to the bus stop. We waited for the bus holding hands. Some passerbyers made a joke about our height difference but neither of us really heard it. I paid for our fare and didn’t let go of her hand until we reached campus.
I cashed in a favor and talked one of the sweet empathic girls in my house into signing Sera in as one of her guest. Wentworth was kind of obscene about Sera staying the night in our room, but I just made a big show of sleeping in the living room.
I did check on her in the middle of the night. Her tall figure barley fit in my bed and she’d fallen asleep in a tank top and underwear. I let her wash her clothes in the bathroom sink and leave them up to dry in my room.
I went through her duffel bag. I told myself it was to make sure she didn’t have anything she could hurt herself with. She had a handful of change, a toucan Beanie Baby (love, Mom faded on the tag) her ID card, county jail discharge papers, two pairs of underwear, condoms, a toothbrush and tampons. The inside of the bag had a tag with ballerinas on it. Seraphina’ name was written on it in faded childlike handwriting.
The thing about Harvard and all the traditions and expectations I was chasing was that it was a distraction. The truth was I had just as much as Sera did in this world. Maybe less.
±4±
“Thank you”, she said the next morning as I walked her out the campus. It was the first words she’d said to me since last night.
“So…are you…homeless?”
She shrugged her shoulders, “I’ll get by—“
“Just don’t go back to Helios. You’re better than that. I saw this place with a happy hour we can check out. My treat. Plus you won’t believe the shit the guys in my Dean’s List Club are into. They keep talking about investing in a ridesharing service--
“I should leave you alone Paris…I won’t bother you anymore. Your roommate came in last night and explained that I was…intimidating you and that you were too afraid to say anything.”
Fuck him.
“No. It’s okay, Sera. You and I are friends. Don’t listen to him.””, I said quickly hoping Wentworth didn’t tell her I wanted to sleep with her, “Hey, I bought you a pre-paid cell phone this morning—“
“No. Paris. I can’t-“
“It’s okay”, I handed her the cheap gas station cell phone I’d grabbed that morning with a new credit card. I’d already loaded 25 dollars’ worth of minutes, “If you ever feel that way again. Call me first. Please. I want you to have this.”
She nodded a thank you. Finally I hand her a list of shelters in the area one of my housemates majoring in social work gave me.
“You know…there is a career college in Cambridge.” I told her taking my time walking to the gate.
She shook her head, “That’s not for me.”
“I just” I said, “I know it’s not for everyone but…colleges do have a lot of resources…the counseling center here really helped me when things got tough. I have really bad anxiety and they helped me put a name to it. I’ve been where you are Sera but I had resources here.”
I’d hoped me sharing would make her comfortable sharing but she said nothing. I was emotionally drained from the last eighteen hours and we fell into a comfortable silence. When I watched her leave I didn’t’ think I’d see her again. I thought maybe I’d given her one more morning.
±±±
After Sera spent the night Wentworth couldn’t help himself. Whenever I pissed him off in front of his friends he’d always insinuate that I took advantage of a simple homeless girl. I got so fed up with the slander that I thought yelling very loudly that I was still a virgin would help.
This reignited our little feud. I bragged in front of him when I was accepted into the Public Policy Program when he got rejected. In return he held late-night parties when I was studying for finals and hid my meds from me as a ‘prank’. I stole his watch until he gave them back and he threatened to call campus security.
Our feud ended when I reported him to our RA for the mini vodka bottle he had forgotten to take out of his suitcase after spring break. Turns out it was a third strike for Wentworth and he got kicked out the dorms. I actually felt kind of shitty about that
Wentworth’s dad came down to try and work things out. He and his dad kept vaguely suggesting I should say the liquor was mine since it would be first offense for me. I pretended not to understand what they were insinuating.
Wentworth’s dad found him an apartment off-campus and because I was the only person he knew who would willing leave a Harvard dorm. Being off-campus wasn’t the ideal Harvard experience but it would save me a ton of money. The two bedroom two story apartment was massive and would give us plenty of space, plus I only had to pay ¼ of the rent.
Wentworth and I had plans to move in the start of junior year when I got back from my summer at the Public Policy Program in Sacramento. But I swear, the minute I left for Sacramento one of Wentworth’s snitch friends told him I was the one who reported the vodka. Wentworth bailed on the apartment and moved into his frat house, leaving me with an apartment I couldn’t afford.
So during that summer in Sacramento while I was in the Public Policy Program I could have texted Wentworth. Maybe try to patch things up.
Instead I texted Seraphina Grigori
I texted because I didn’t think I could handle it if the phone rang and she never picked up. It took me forever to strike the right tone and to key.
Guess where I am?
I closed my phone and got up. I was meeting up with a few others in the program to go to a special screening of An Inconvenient Truth. I stopped when my phone buzzed.
Whre
I smiled. I actually smiled at my phone and typed :
Sacramento, CA.
I closed the phone but it buzzed again.
Thts far
Internship. There is a whole world out here. Cant wait 2 C more of it
Wn U do. Wil U tel me abt it ?
Yes
I considered ending it there because texting was getting expensive. But that yes felt weighty.
I missed her.
I wanted to see her. I wanted to talk to her. I wanted to make sure she was okay. I wanted her to see how happy I was here. I wanted to share that with her and shine a little light on her crappy year. I typed :
Come 2 me.
I waited a few minutes for her response.
Now? Y ?
Want 2 C U you. R U Working ?
Brbcking ):
I miss U. Plz. Ill $. 1 day. Ill mke it wrth it
K
Okay. I was doing this.
±5±
It was a stupid impulsive decision and not the smartest way to spend my generous stipend but I needed to know if I needed to get her out of my system or if it was something more. And Fuck it. We deserved the chance to do something stupid and reckless.
I hopped on my newly acquired laptop and bought Sera a discount ticket off Groupon that had a 24-hour turnaround time. I quickly set up an e-mail account for her and sent her the ticket.
The day her flight came in one of the local kids in the program let me borrow their car to get to Sacramento International Airport. Sera was waiting outside the airport with her gray flannel wrapped around her waist and that polka dot duffle bag over her shoulder. She looked healthier than she had that night. She had a fresh crew cut andher lips were a deep shiny pink that I really zeroed in on. We hugged because I guess that’s what we did now?
“How was your flight?” I asked.
“Terrifying, I hated it”, she said and she’d never flown in the eight years since.
“It’ll be better next time. Now your flight leaves at 7am tomorrow so I planned our whole day by the minute. My roommate is great by the way. He’s at Brown and is okay with you staying for one night.”
Sera nodded and I had to remind myself to shut up. This was all new for her. She’d never been this far from the East Coast.
I could tell Sera wasn’t really into the state capital tour I planned but she read the plaques and was impressed with my observations and all the question I asked the tour guide, even though this was my second time on the tour.
Next we had lunch with my friends from the program. It went okay but Sera got kind of quiet when we all started debating Universal healthcare, the Tea party and death panels. In the afternoon we walked the city historical trail which actually took a lot out of me.
“So…how is work”, I asked as we turned the corner on the trail.
“Just more bar running. It's at Hey, Mama’s. It’s new. It’s in the city with a younger crowd of girls.”
“Are you staying out of jail?”
“I was doing okay, but the shelters are so … depressing. If you don’t have kids they look at you like you’re taking space from someone else. When I drink I can black out and all the bad shit goes away. Jail is safer than sleeping on the streets. They barley charge me with me anything.”
“ Sera.”
“Paris, this has been great. But you shouldn’t be wasting time with me. You are so fucking smart and ambitious. You’re going places. I don’t want to hold you back.”
She gestured around like Sacramento was “going places.”
“Sera, to reach the political echelons I want to reach I know the people I should be talking to and who I should be friends with but it’s exhausting. I wish everything in my life was as easy and feel as good as being with you. You get what it’s like to be alone in a crowd, to start adulthood with both hands tied behind your back with no support. Honestly, Sera If you strip away my dorm room, massive amounts of debt, books and classes all I really have that’s mine is these scars. What I want? Is you. I love you. You were my bright spot this year. I felt like myself every minute I’ve spent with you. I love it when you tease me and how you call me on me shit, I want you in my corner.”
I registered the shock on her face and she sat down on a bench.
“…I…do you want to date?” she asked.
“I mean…I don’t know if you see me like that but. Yes.”
“Okay…because…that sounded like a proposal,” She said sounding slightly relieved.
“Oh I…”
“A man has never told me he’s in love with me.”
I thought back? Did I say that? Did I? Fuck.
“I…that just slipped out. So do you want to be my girlfri--“
“No.”
“Oh. I guess we can be frie—“
“We should get married”, she said standing up as if that made sense.
“I…what?”
“I mean…you said you love me and you want me in your corner. Why not? I’ve thought a lot about the time we spent together and I think it’d be nice if the rest of our lives was like …taco night”
“I...” I said remembering the night I broke my arm, “You want to break my arm?”
“No. I want to fight for you. I want to pick you up when life or Tri Omegas think they can knock you down. And the way you ordered that coffee for me…you just casually took care of me. You’re going to be a great man one day Paris. I want to help you and I think this is the best way.”
She took my hand and began leading me off the trail. I couldn’t figure out what the fuck was happening and why I was letting her drag me along. I did think to myself that it would be nice to scratch ‘finding a partner’ off my longer term to-do list.
“We barley know each other, Sera.”
“We went to high school together and middle school.” she said even though we’d barley spoken to each other back then.
“Sera…marriage is a big deal.”
She shrugged.
“We could be…family. I think we could both use that. If it fails then…it’s only us who gets hurt. Not like we have friends or family who will care. If we hurry we can drive to Vegas. ”
“But…”
“Don’t you want that, Paris? To be family. I want that.”
“Sera, I miss having a family…but I don’t want children.”
“Me neither”, she said, “Let’s go get married.”
I couldn’t think of any reasonable objections so we got married.
±6±
I bailed on my schedule for the day and Sera rented a car. We drove five hours to Las Vegas with the speakers blasting. Halfway there I suggested we stop at the Mesa county library to fill out the online marriage application, we also stopped at Walmart and she bought a white t-shirt dress, flats and razor.
We didn’t make it to Las Vegas. We spotted a 24 hour value wedding chapel on the outskirts of town. Its bright flashy lights were a beacon next to the mostly vacant strip mall.
The t-shirt dress fit her tall frame like a glove, the shoes were a little small but she looked like the perfect bride to me. The dress was a little sheer but the color suited her. She was a bit of a bridezilla in the waiting room and made the couple sitting next to me move so she sit right next to me and honestly she hasn’t left my side since.
“I once heard someone say getting married is like getting to be with your best friend all the time. Do you think we can be like that?” Sera asked.
“I lost my best friend and family over money …I’d like to have one again.”
Sera leaned over, kissed my cheek and then sat back pensively.
“I have to be honest Paris…I only came to Boston because I knew you went to school there. When we were in high school and you helped me graduate I was already in love with you. I had a crush on this tiny smart, confident asshole from high school who was so kind to everyone. This kid who sacrificed his childhood to keep his family safe.
That day I showed up on campus and I saw the life you had I realized we were too different. I was going to hit the road the next day but that night at Pink Paradise we had this fortune teller and she pulled cards and said the love of my life was someone from my past and we were destined to be together. So I stayed in Boston and I kept…coming back.”
I waited a few beats because that was the most words she’d ever said to me.
“Sera that’s just a generic fortune. You don’t believe that? ”
“I do. Don’t you believe in a higher power?”
“I’m an atheist.”
She raised an eyebrow, “…you were raised by a priest.”
“Former priest. That fortune teller was swindling you.”
“Well, I guess there is only one way to find out.”
We got married June 15tht at 1:24 in the morning. We shared a chaste kiss in front of a group of strangers on a pink velour altar. The owner gave us a free picture when I told her we couldn’t afford to pay for one.
We ran out of the chapel because I had 4 hours to get Seraphina to the Sacramento International Airport so she could be back in Boston for her shift.
±7±
Once we hit the interstate Seraphina fell asleep. I glanced over and I couldn’t believe someone so gorgeous was my wife. We were officially in this together
My wife.
Then I panicked.
I’d married my drunk criminal high school bully. I shook my head and reminded myself of the wonders of red tape. They were sending the license to me in Cambridge, if we didn’t get it signed within a year…it could get annulled. No one would know.
Still, it was nice knowing I was attached now. That I had someone.
Sera was never going to be a tame politician’s wife. I knew by choosing Sera my life might take a different path then I planned. I blinked and saw that cottage style house in New England slowly dissipating.
I heard Seraphina stir and her used copy of Eclipse fell on the floor. She yawned watching the dark scenery fly by. She tossed the book into her duffel and looked out the window. She was quiet and I wondered if she was also having regrets. I kept my eyes on the road until I heard as soft restrained sigh. I looked out the corner of my eye and saw Sera’s hand was under her dress, eyes closed and biting her lip.
“I…Sera?”
“Pull over.” she said breathlessly. I tried not to watch the way her hips rolled and back arched as her hand worked between her slightly parted thighs
“What? I can’t…”
“There is a truck stop.” She said and it sound…breathy.
“I…we’re going to be late to the airport. I---I’m sure we can do this when we get back.” I‘d said letting responsible future politician Paris speak instead of the curious twenty-year old Paris.
“Pull over.” she said again and I couldn’t manage to argue with her. I pulled off at the truck stop just as she’d quietly finished. I was somehow horrified and intrigued. I thought I’d have more time to read and research before we did this.
Even though the windows on the rental were tinted I pulled over to an empty lot far away from the truckers. I turned off the car and Sera pulled me over to her seat. We awkwardly fumbled in the car until I was in the passenger seat with her on top, her long legs awkwardly straddling me.
The seat belt alarm kept beeping and the interior light was shining right in my eyes, I felt my stomach roil and I cursed under my breath. I fumbled for the window and pushed Sera off of me before sticking my head out the window and vomiting. Adrenaline was surging through my veins and I felt my anxiety hit me like afucking brick.
I reached for a bottle of water and swished my mouth out. Sera had understandably recoiled as I closed the window.
“Are you okay?” she asked.
“I’m nervous…it’s my first time”, I said, “I actually…threw up on the last girl I dated when we were about to…anyway she really hates me.”
There was a tense awkward silence before Sera reached into the back for her duffel bag and took out a condom.
“Shit shit shit”, I managed before opening the door and throwing up again.
“What the hell is wrong with you?” she said. I rinsed my mouth out again and tried to pull myself together.
“I’m fine. I’m ready. Nervous. We should hurry. I mean if you want to…” I said looking at the clock.
She hesitated before putting the condom in her mouth and using both hands to unzip my pants and work those embarrassing white briefs I still had from Wentworth’s prank.
“Um”, I said before she pulled them down, “It’s really small. Like. Just so you know. I was a sick a lot when I was young but the doctor says I’m fine. I mean I know I’m …the point is. Nothing is wrong with me… I mean... I guess I should have--”
She went to put her finger over my lips but rethought it.
“You talk too much.”
She carefully took out my semi-hard erection, and I saw the same glimmer of confusion and slightly disappointed look as the last girl I’d gotten this close to. My pale skin flushed easily. I hated how my body looked, it was so embarrassing and Wentworth never let me forget it after he saw me naked by accident.
“You’re not circumcised”, was all she said.
More heat charged to my face. I hadn’t even though about that.
“Is that…bad?”
“Just…different”, she said considering my very short slim length.
I openly let her take charge with just the glow of the dashboard to light the way. My skin was buzzing from nerves and anticipation. She stealthily pushed the seat back and my heart was hammering when she pulled her underwear down and positioned her longs legs so she could lower herself on top without putting all of her weight on me.
The loose fitting condom is thin enough that I notice the suggestion of heat first, it felt like a very intimate act even though it was dark and we were mostly dressed. She moved my hands down to her hips making me more aware of what we were doing. The lights in the car went off and I froze at the new sensation of her body around mine. My hands dug into her side. I was entirely overwhelmed. I made some awful embarrassing sounds and lost complete control as I started to crave friction. I started fucking her from a slightly uncomfortable angle for twenty seconds before coming.
Sera had been… laughing during most of it. She tried to stop laughing once I finished but only barley managed to hold it back.
“You liked that?”, she asked one we were decent and back in our respective seats after she’d shown me how to neatly take the condom off.
I was probably bright red. It wasn’t just the act itself that made it feel good, it was things I wasn’t able to figure out until later. It wasn’t exactly what I imagined for my first time or as life-changing as I expected, but I wanted to do it again.
“Yes”, I answered. And because she was my wife now I decided to be open, “Um, so you were laughing…”
“It tickled”, she answered sounding genuinely amused.
“Oh” I said not knowing what she was referring to or if that was a good thing or not.
I started the car and fished a set of keys out of my pocket. I held them out to her and she hesitated before taking the keys.
“What’s this?”
“The keys to my off-campus apartment. Wentworth bailed. I was supposed to look for a new roommate when I got back to Boston. I can probably talk the leasing office into giving me a one bedroom…or we can keep the two. It’s super expensive but..,”
She sat up awkwardly clutching the keys.
“Paris…I didn’t do this because I’m homeless”, she sounded defensive.
“I know. This is just part of the deal right. What’s mine is yours.”
She turned to face me and there was something challenging in her eyes.
“I just hope you know you are never going to get rid of me.”
Author’s Note
I have been wanting to write Sera in a bar fight since Lux Aeterna. Each ‘verse’ has a scene at a bar and at every single one I wanted to write a bar fight in but it never fit into the story. This was my chance!
In chapter 1 I know some of you missed Sera’s short hair so it’s back for these umbrella chapters. Like I said I wrote 80% this serial in order but this was one of the third things I wrote. Yes, I know at 21-year old Sera wouldn’t have been able to rent a car but it would have been rude if they used the car Paris borrowed from someone else in the program.
So we have a few more chapters of Sera and Paris’ past (with a quick interlude in current day) and if you squint you will start to see that this is my re-examination of a young married couple from a small town (one a student, the other a blue collar worker) trying to make it in the world in the late 2000s. And what I realized by writing this very similar serial is that the big difference between Sera/Paris and Sofia/Tomas is that Sera/Paris …have a bit more chemistry and common ground. So much of Tomfia is obligatory angst on angst and this struggle to find common ground is what tripped me up about Red Booth and why I had to set it aside. I got caught up with a couple that does have common ground.