2008
±1±
After our shotgun wedding Sera and I were apart for the whole summer. I showed her how to access the e-mail I set up for her and sometimes we’d log in to chat whenever she could make it to the library. She expressed herself more online than she did in person and didn’t hesitate to say what was on her mind as much.
I held back. I was more reserved and having serious second-thoughts about continuing with this marriage. It had been an impulsive and absurd decision. I thought maybe I could back out of it without it coming back to bite my political career. Even now when I re-read those old messages I don’t recognize my overly-polite generic responses
Truthfully, I was dreading going back to Harvard. On one hand it felt good knowing I wouldn’t be living with Wentworth, but moving off campus meant missing out on the traditions and rituals that bonded Harvard students. But it was also saving me a shit ton of money. Also…I was married now.
I took a late flight back into Boston and caught a bus into Cambridge. I got off four stops past the campus in front of the refurbished needle factory turned off-campus housing. It was a massive brick courtyard building that hadn’t been updated since the 90s. The lobby had a large rec room and gym plus there was a large laundry facility in the basement. Most of the students in the building went to Cambridge College, MIT, Boston University or the community colleges.
I climbed the stairs to the fourth floor and stood awkwardly in front of apartment 412. My apartment. I knocked on the door and waited. The door flew open and Seraphina pulled me inside. The one-bedroom apartment was a shoebox compared the apartment Wentworth and I were supposed to share before he bailed.
Sera’s co-workers had helped her bring in a green corduroy couch and wood coffee table from a local thrift store. Over the summer she’d taken my college stuff out of storage so when I went into the bedroom I saw my textbooks neatly lined up on the a desk next to my picture of Hmjeu, Sera’s paperbacks and her toucan Beanie Baby. I was kind of mesmerized that everything we owned could fit on that tiny desk.
Sera slid off my leather messenger bag. She’d just showered, her hair was freshly buzzed and she was wearing an oversized crimson Harvard t-shirt and boxers.
“Did you buy this?” I asked touching the sleeve.
“It was on a clearance”, she said then proceeded to kiss me behind my ear and down my neck, lightly biting and sucking places I hadn’t thought could be touch points. She led me over to the bed her fingers working at the buttons on my shirt then my belt. She pushed me back on the bed and I felt...overwhelmed.
“Fuck, Sera”, I said propping myself up on my elbows, my face flushed with embarrassment, “I know you aren’t this into me. You don’t have to pre--”
“I think it’s hot how smart you are”, she straddled my waist and pulled her shirt off grabbing it one handed from the back. My eyes traveled from the taut nearly invisible curve of her breast and down to her toned abdomen. I swallowed hard, rolled out from under her and ran into the bathroom and threw up. I brushed my teeth and ran some cold water on my face before returning to the bedroom.
Sera had put her shirt back on and was unconsciously folded her arms in frustration. It was the first time she’d ever gotten a little stern with me. It made an impression.
“What the fuck, Paris.” She said.
“I’m fine”
“Don’t lie to me. You throw up every time we have sex. Did someone …hurt you.” she asked not sure how to form the words. My mind going back to the breakdown she’d had senior year when the car she and Leon were living in had been trashed. I’d heard rumors about that night.
“No. I…I told you I have bad anxiety… about all sorts of things.”
She relaxed her arms and sat cross-legged on the bed, “I don’t understand what that means.”
I tentatively sat on the edge of the bed trying to keep a respectful distance and not stare at her bare legs.
“There are things that trigger a heightened panic or fear response in me. The way my anxiety affects me is a scale. If I’m failing a class it’s a full on panic attack. That means I get stiff, sometimes I feel sharp pain and my heart starts hammering…sometimes there’s uncontrollable crying.”
I saw the wheels turning in her head as she listened, her gaze dropped to her idle hands.
“Not wearing black is low on the scale”, I continued, “Being idle or…showing to much of my body is high up. Awkward silences are low on the list. Eating meat is pretty high on the scale. When I anticipate or perceive something that I think will trigger me…I sometimes get nauseous.”
“…so sex is …high on the scale?” It came out like a question.
An unpleasant flush that ran through me. I didn’t want to talk about these things. I’d never had to before.
“No. It’s not sex. It’s...”
Then I gestured below her belly button. Sera squinted at me.
“My …pussy makes you anxious?”
“No. Yes. Not yours. I just…it’s....I grew up with all boys. In middle school when we started health class it was the first time I’d…I mean they were just illustration but I used to sweat and like get all panicky and hyperventilate. Hmjeu said I would grow out of it and not to think about it. But it got worse when I saw a picture of…a real one when I caught some younger boys watching this raw intense porn video. I flipped out on them because of how uncomfortable it made me. That’s why I never took gym, so I could get out of health class. I know it’s stupid to get anxious over body parts.”
“That’s why you never took gym”, she said trying to hold back a laugh.
“That was one of the reasons I never took gym. It’s so dumb. Wentworth used to have these magazines in our dorm and I told myself I tolerated them. But I was afraid to look at them. How dumb is that?”
“I mean my labia is a little big but it’s not going to bite. Come here”, she said holding her hands out to me, “You liked it in the car, right?”
I shuddered at the thought of anything biting me but I did move closer to her.
“I did”, I said blushing furiously at the memory, “It’s just It was dark in the car so I couldn’t see anything and you sort of did everything. . . I liked that.”
“We can turn the lights off.”, she said reaching into my pants and wrapping her hands around my soft cock. I swallowed as my body started to respond.
“It’s because of my scar”, I blurted out effectively ruining my first hand job. Sera sat back and considered my scar like she’d never noticed it before.
“Some older boys…psychopaths in my first foster home did it. I looked in the mirror and I saw ….I saw my face cut open. All the blood and exposed muscle. I tried….putting it back together…it was awful. Hmjeu found me though. He put me back together”
I smiled at the thought of Hmjeu but I also knew he’d been very upset I’d married this very troubled girl.
“So…vaginas reminds you of a traumatic wound you had?” She sounded more curious that horrified.
“Uh….I…I mean that’s not. I didn’t’…I”
“Paris--
“I just... I am so fucked up. I went to see a sex therapist but I could barely afford a 30 minute session. “
She laid down on her side and gestured for me to lay down facing her. I felt awkward but she was so comfortable sharing a bed with me.
“Do you think”, she said slightly amused, “Maybe you’re gay?”
“I mean after taking this psych 101 class I’m pretty sure I’m pansexual.” I told her.
“Why?” she asked seeming genuinely curious.
“When I had crushes…I just never thought about gender. Also gender roles kind of freak me out. It was just…easier to date women living on campus. Especially with my roommate. Um...what about you? I guess I should have asked before we got married. You always seem pretty …open.”
She shrugged her shoulders, “I don’t know.”
“So you’re”, I said ready to channel my psych 101 book, “Like bi or…”
Now it was her turn to get a little uncomfortable. She pulled the thin pillow Mrs. Wentworth had given me freshman year to her chest.
“I don’t know. When I was in the military when we’d go out, the guys would joke with their girlfriends ‘not to worry’ because I was lesbian. I asked Leon why they would think that and he thought I was joking. Lesbians are girls who like girls but--I grew up with all girls in the foster home and in the Marines it was all guys and I never felt the difference. I don’t know. It’s hard to explain.”
I sat up, my mind spinning trying to recall certain terms from my psych exam.
“I think we talked about this in that psychology class. So like…not everything is a binary with gender. You could be non-binary or there is even a demi-gender or maybe--”
“I don’t want to talk about this, Paris.” she sounded really uncomfortable and I hated that I caused that.
“It’s okay I don’t care—“
“…but…if we’re married…I have to be a girl, right?”
“Well, I mean. Technically. But whatever you--“
“I don’t want to talk about this.” she said around the nail she was nervously chewing.
“Okay. What should we do now?”
She leaned over to kiss me again. She moved the pillow aside and it was much easier to make out laying down. She moved her soft lips down to my neck again and started undressing me again. I wanted to touch her but I wasn’t sure how or where.
“You are not this attracted to me,” I said again.
“I like how sweet you are”, she kissed me again, “You’re funny and weird and so... Fucking. Uptight.”
I’d started to relax and found myself getting excited. I took note of just how hot she looked in that shirt and how unbelievably long her legs were. I hated how thin I was and I’d somehow lost more weight over the summer.
“Sera”, I said. I hated that I couldn’t get over how anxious I was.
“Hold on”, she said.
She crawled off the bed and came back with a crimson tie from the bottom of my trunk. It had been a gift from a professor I’d tried to get to mentor me. Sera gently wrapped the tie round my eyes. I settled comfortably in the dark and searched for her lips. Just her kissing and teasing me felt incredible intimate.
It was the first night in my life I’d ever focused on one person for hours on end. We only had sex for a few minutes; it felt really good without a condom but was mechanical and sort of awkward. Sera seemed unconcerned when I asked her if it would get better.
We stayed up all night talking (fine I did all the talking). I told her all about my summer, my plans for the future. Sera quietly admitted she didn’t have any plans for the future.
“You do now”, I told her.
“I do?”
“You’re my wife now. My future is your future.”
“That’s…old fashioned.”
“I have an old soul”, I said partially joking, “Until you know what you want, any success I have…is yours too.”
“Okay”, she agreed.
I swear, in that moment that loneliness was the only thing holding us together. That and maybe a little lust (on my part) and infatuation (on her part).
±2±
Sera and I quickly discovered we were not sexually compatible.
My anxiety and demanding schedule (lack of stamina and renewed low sex drive) was a big barrier. Sera admitted she wasn’t that into sex with penises and was secretly pissed I was too anxious to go down on her. So, we sort of agreed to an open marriage
“Is that even a thing?” I said when she suggested an open relationship at breakfast, “We’ve only been together five months. I mean if this isn’t working we can separate—“
“I want to stay together. It’s just we’re young and you should definitely experiment more.”
Sera was sitting on the floor next to the couch. She looked up at me for a response and I pretended to be interested in the watery instant oatmeal she’d made. Sure, now that I had experience being intimate I did find myself curious about what it’d be like with other partners but I was married and lucky to have someone as attractive as Sera.
Having a stable roof over her head seemed to have helped Sera stay focused. She only worked weekends and stayed at home during the week. I paid rent and tuition with my student loans so she just had to handle all shopping, laundry, meals, cleaning and errands. The structure kept Sera from getting into trouble. Or so I’d gathered when Leon Argos called me collect one day from Iraq.
“I was worried about her”, Leon said and I could hear men shouting and laughing in the background, “Aria couldn’t get in contact with her after she left town last year. I figured Sera would reach out if things got bad. I was worried about her being on the streets without me.”
“Uh. We’re together now.”
“I heard”, he’d said and I realized Sera must have given him my number. I’d later learn she and Leon’s tightly woven friendship was a result of the hell they went through living with Helios.
“Look, Paris”, Leon had said, “I don’t know what you’re playing at with Sera—
“It’s not like that.” I’d told him.
“I gotta keep my head down, do my service and get home alive. I got a lot of shit going on. Can you just keep an eye on her until I finish my time?”
“What do you mean?”
“Look. Seraphina is the toughest meanest bitch I’ve ever met. She doesn’t take shit and when she wants to she can hold her own...but she needs someone to watch over her. You know how she can be.”
“Oh”, I said, “Her disability? Leon. It’s fine. I’ll make sure she’s safe.”
“Okay…This is getting expensive. I gotta go.”
I felt like I was doing that. Sera had sort of fallen into being the world most non-traditional housewife. She cleaned with military precision, made decent meals in the microwave and always had my books and messenger bag packed and waiting for me when I left for class. She was quiet but seemed content. I liked being the person who had given her the opportunity to not have to work and stress about her next meal or bed.
But five months in and she wanted to fuck other people.
“Sera, I guess if it’s something you need or want…I get it. I know I’m not the best but I can—“
She shook head, “Paris this isn’t just about me. How are you supposed to know what you like if you’ve just been with one person. Married people should sleep around. They’ve made their commitment and anything else is just recreational. As long as we put our relationship first I think it will be fine.”
“I’m not like you. People aren’t exactly throwing themselves at me.”
Sera considered this.
“Maybe it’s the people you are hanging out with.” she said turning back to her own bowl of watery oatmeal.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked.
“Come on,” she said, “You only want to spend time with other Harvard students.”
“That’s not true. Most of my friends just happen to be Harvard students.”
She scuffed and pushed herself up to sit on the couch. I set my bowl down and self-consciously checked my bag to make sure she’d packed everything.
“Which ones are your friends?” Sera asked, "Wentworth? The guys who threw underwear you?”
“That was just a joke”, I said regretting I’d told her about that, “We are under a lot of pressure. The amazing thing about Harvard is that bonds that last a lifetime will be formed in these four years. Bonds that will hold strong in the upper echelons of society. I mean you remember I told you about Carrie—she’s already helping teen girls with her nonprofit.”
“Just…forget the whole open relationship thing.”
She started on the dishes and the fact that I’d reigned her in made me feel…husband-like and extremely uncomfortable. It wasn’t fair how ‘traditionally’ beautiful and striking she was. She usually wore long shorts and a tank-top around the apartment, showing off miles of sun-kissed skin. It was ridiculous for me to think I could ever be enough for her. Maybe if she wanted to have fun…I should too. I fiddled with the strap on my messenger bag.
“I mean…If we were open…I mean I wouldn’t even know how to have a one nightstand.”
“It’s easy”, she said casually with her hands deep in dish water, “We’ll do the first few together.”
I felt a flicker of heat at that simple comment.
“I guess we can try it. Just…not people from my school.”
She gave me a sidelong glance before going back to the dishes.
±±±
That started a revolving door of threesomes with people Sera brought home after her weekend shifts at Hey Mama’s. It was mostly men from up and down the spectrum. At first I suspected any attention paid to me was more of a favor for Sera because she usually disappeared halfway through. Sera always had her own fun without me. Hearing the sounds her partners made me realize how quiet she was during sex.
I’d never felt confident exploring my pansexuality before, I was afraid I’d get beaten up or seem like an imposter-- but when I found the right partner I felt seen. I took it a step past sex and dated a few bi young lawyers and grad students who lived in the building—the upwardly mobile ones who were always perfectly dressed, smart and confident. I always made it clear I wasn’t looking for a long-term relationship.
The only one night stand I managed to pull on my own was with a Boston College history major I met at a rowdy party some guy in the laundry room invited Sera too. Even though I had a shit ton of work to do I eagerly went when Sera invited me along. Sera left the party when the alcohol was gone but the history major and I sat in the corner talking about how pretentious the theater majors are. He was still awkwardly figuring things out like me and I invited him back to the apartment. Sera had been asleep on the couch when we got in, later that night when I was awkwardly fumbling through sex I could hear Sera laughing hysterically on the other side of the door. The next morning when I walked my date down to the lobby he said
“By the way your roommate’s a real bitch.”
“Oh…I—“
But he left before I could explain.
That was the other thing.
Sera and I never really told people we were married. The fact that I got married over the summer just never came up naturally once classes and activities started… then it felt awkward to mention it after not mentioning it earlier.
Sera’s co-workers at the bar knew we were together on paper. The only other place she went was the building gym where she made friends with athletes and frat guys, but she never told them much. Most of my acquaintances thought Sera was my alcoholic, working-class, promiscuous roommate and assumed the closet was a second bedroom.
Oddly, I was doing well academically and emotionally for the first time. It showed in my rising GPA. I was quickly reaching the top twentieth percentile. I was an honors student and made the Deans’ List that semester. Something that severely pissed Wentworth off.
“Helps when you suck the TA’s dick”, Wentworth had said in passing when we got out of a global education seminar. The teacher assistant had written “Brilliant” on my paper.
“Really, Travis?” Carrie said smiling as I (unlike Wentworth) held the door open for her. Carrie and I were in most of the same courses this year and she’d invited me into her coveted study group. I’d been slowly working my way into her friend group too…unfortunately Wentworth was in both.
“Not you, Care”, he said vaguely, “I’m just saying some people do that.”
I froze at the comment and realized Wentworth was looking in my direction. Yeah, I’d given a TA a blowjob after carefully watching and learning from Sera (who graciously demonstrated on me) but it hadn’t been at TA who worked at Harvard. Was he…trying to tell me something? Did he know?
“Are you going to Zane’s for the watch party?” Carrie asked Wentworth casually changing the subject.
“I guess.” he said, “He better have food this time. We are not doing what we did last time.”
Carrie laughed at this bit of shared history between them, “I’ll order some wings. Paris are you going?”
Carrie was the kind of beautiful optimist who just assumed I’d been invited to Wentworth’s best friend’s party or that I even knew there was a party.
“Huh? I …I should get back. If I stay out to late the buses stop running”, It was a lie but I knew neither of them knew how the buses worked.
“Tell your roommate I said ‘hi’”, Wentworth said.
What the fuck did that mean?
Carrie looked between Wentworth and me.
“Paris, I didn’t know you had a roommate. Does he go here?”
“No she does not.” Wentworth said, “She works at Pink Paradise. So…”
Carrie seemed confused and I didn’t understand why Wentworth was so hung up on Sera.
“Oh. Okay. You guys get along?” Carrie ask slightly uncomfortable.
“We get along. We went to high school together and she works at Hey Mama’s now. She…keeps things interesting.”
“Like aggressively coming on to Boston College Tau Omegas.”
He just had to name Carrie’s sorority. She was very protective of her sister. I knew he was lying because I’d warned Sera not mess with girls from the wealthier sororities. Some of them liked to pulls shit to make their boyfriends jealous or seem edgy.
“She’s not like that”, I said defensively.
“But like…autistic people can’t tell, right?”
“Come on, guys”, Carrie said meaning she wanted to change the subject.
“She’s not like that Wentworth”, I said, “And she’s not autistic.”
Wentworth shrugged like he made an innocent mistake, “My bad. I only talked to her that time she spent the night in your room.”
I saw Wentworth’s game now. He knew I liked Carrie and he knew I had a chance with her because they were off again.
“Tristian’s roommate is taking a year off”, Carrie cut in, “If you want to move back into Winthrop House I can pull some strings with the residential office. I kind of miss not having you around.”
The way she said it was warm and slightly flirty. We were approaching the campus gates and I suddenly wasn’t ready to go.
“You know what”, I decided, “Maybe I will come to Zane’s”
Zane’s bottom floor suite in Winthrop House was packed for the Harvard Redmont Bowl. Carrie had dropped her stuff off in her suite and I’d gone with her just to get some alone time in. I took note of all the pictures taped to the wall in her shared space and the plate of rice crispy treats on the counter. I loved how warm and lived in it felt.
We walked to Zane’s suite together and everyone stopped to greet and hug Carrie when she entered the room. She attracted people like Sera except Carrie seemed to never let go.
I felt like everybody was staring at me. It was mostly Greeks and my oversized black oxford and dress pants stuck out among the t-shirts and shorts. I pretended to focus on the game, only getting a bit of relief from the awkwardness when Carrie would pop back in from whatever conversation she got pulled into. I wanted so badly for this to be my life and to be my college memories. I wanted a roomful of beautiful friends and the brilliant vivacious girl that held everyone together at my side.
“This one is on me”, Wentworth sits down next to me and hands me a red Solo cup but I don’t drink, “Are congratulations in order?” Wentworth asked nudging me
He knew I was married. Fuck, why was I the weirdo that hadn’t said anything.
“I—“
“Not a virgin anymore.” he said and he wasn’t even trying to whisper. Two girls closes to us turned to look in my direction.
“Can you just leave me alone”, I said with zero bravado.
“What. Dude, I’m being nice. I saw you being all safe at the pharmacy.” He makes exaggerated gestures at that.
The Walgreens near campus was the only one that carried the condoms that fit me, Wentworth must have seen me.
“Why do you care?”
“Because Carrie is my friend and I know you like her. If you and your psycho criminal roommate are planning something creepy or rapey I should tell her.”
“Fuck off.”, I said a little louder than I meant. A few people were staring and I could feel the rumbling of my anxiety, “Tell Carrie I left.”
I walked back to the apartment to clear my head and stopped at a souvenir shop to buy a black Harvard t-shirt with white lettering and a matching sweatshirt. I had to go through two credit cards until I found one that wasn’t declined.
White rice and broccoli takeout was waiting on the counter for me when I got back to the apartment, but I couldn’t eat. I tried on the overpriced t-shirt and sweatshirt—I hated how they hung awkwardly off my non-existent shoulders, but if I had dressed more like this maybe I would have felt more comfortable at the party. Stayed longer. Told Carrie how I felt.
Sera was already asleep and when I got in. I turned down the radio where she had been listening to the game.
“Sera”
She slowly woke herself up. Any other time and I would have thought the sleep in her eyes was incredibly sexy.
“…what are you wearing.” she said squinting at the t-shirt.
“Have you been fucking with sorority girls?”
“No. I don’t know. I don’t ask if they are in a sorority.”
“I mean…are you like bothering them?”
“What the fuck, Paris.” she said sitting up, “What’s with the predatory lesbian bullshit all of a sudden.”
“Sera you know how you can be sometimes. Wentworth said—“
“Oh, Wentworth?” she said, “The asshole roommate. You believe him over me.”
“No. It’s just I already stick out enough as it is. I don’t want Wentworth or Carrie thinking I have someone dangerous in my life--.”
“You believe him?”
“Just be careful.”
“You should be careful”, she said turning her back to me, “And you look ridiculous in that shirt.”
±3±
I was surprised when Carrie and her friends invited me out for New Year’s Eve. Classes had gotten out in December and I was shocked she even thought about me over break. I hopped onto my laptop and connected to my neighbor’s Wi-Fi to look up her relationship status on Facebook. It had just been flipped from It’s Complicated to Single.
I smiled to myself as she continued to explain over the phone how a group of her friends were taking a $5 dollar bus to New York and staying at Kelsey’s stepdad’s condo.
“We had an extra seat and I remembered you were from New York”, Carrie said.
I wanted so badly to say yes and have one of those spontaneous college trips, but I had also made a promise to Sera tonight.Our relationship had gotten a little rocky. I was spending more time with Carrie and her very accomplished friends. IT made me realize how reckless I’d been. I’d forgotten that if I wanted to be a high ranking politician I had to make choices I could be proud of and not give into every temptation.
I stopped sleeping around and going to parties, buckled down and focused on school. I made the selfish decision to put my personal life and marriage on the back burner. Which was why I owed Sera New Year’s Eve.
“I’m sorry”, I said to Carrie, “I wish I could. I made plans. Maybe we can meet up afterward? When you get back?”
“You owe me, Paris”, she said as a good-bye.
I hung up and finished getting ready. It was nearly an hour from midnight when I ran out the door to catch the bus downtown to a busy strip of South End. There was a short line at Hey Mama’s but the bouncer nodded and let me cut ahead. The place was dark and loud. There was a fog machine in the corner, flashing lights and bright neon signs that made me a little anxious. I took a seat at the bar and observed the chill laid back vibe and Sapphic tiki theme.
Sera eventually came out the back carrying a box of Smirnoff. She had on a tight black tank and loose jeans that hung extremely low, her messy crew cut looked natural and not like she’d spent hours styling it. She gave me one of her rare smiles and gestured to the bartender, Charla, who put her hands over her mouth and looked at me like I was puppy in a window.
“Ready”, Sera asked coming around the bar to sit next to me.
“I’m ready”, I said flashing my fake charming smile. My mind was still on New York and Carrie.
Charla set down a curvy glass filled to the brim with a sweet smelling pina colada topped with whipped cream, an umbrella and a precariously perched candle. I started to thank her for the drink when to my utter horror the staff started to sing happy birthday and the lesbians in the bar started to drunkenly join in.
When it’s finally over I blow out the single candle and Charla slides over two shot glasses.
“Birthday shots, Capricorns. These are on me.”, Charla says to Sera.
“Ready?” Sera mouthed to me. I nodded and followed her lead, putting the shot glass in my mouth and tilting my head back. I sputtered at the heated rush barreling down my throat.
“Holy shit.” I said while my throat was still on fire.
“How was the first drink?” Charla asked
“Probably my last.”
“You still have a free body shot”, Charla said bringing over a small dish of salt and a lime
“Oh I shouldn’t—“
“You should”, Sera said pressing her lips into the coarse salt and placing the lime in her mouth. Charla inched over what I assumed was tequila shot.
“No hands”, Charla squealed.
I kept my hands obediently behind my back and reached down to take the shot with my mouth. I downed it quickly and Sera leaned forward so I could lick the salt off her lips and clumsily take the lime into my mouth but it falls on the floor.
“May I please have some water?” I asked since my throat on fire. Charla quickly obliged
“God, Sera he is so cute. Well, you still have a free birthday drink. This one is more sugar than alcohol”, Charla placed two straws into the curvy glass, “It’s adorable you two have the same birthday.”
“Not really. It’s just--”, I started but Sera shook her head while wiping the salt of her lips. She didn’t like talking about our childhood. I think she remembered more than I did. After the tragedy there was a lot of confusion and misidentification. It was easier to give the surviving children the same birthday. January 1st.
Charla heads to the back and I check my watch.
“You seem distracted, Paris.” She said.
“…Carrie invited me to New York with her friends.” I said, “I bailed on her though.”
I notice the change in Sera’s posture. She was ticked off.
“What’s that Sera? You wanted an open marriage.”
“It’s not that. It’s just you didn’t ‘bail’ on her”, Sera said, “You had plans with me. I don’t get why you want those people to like you so much.”
“Sera you don’t understand. Harvard connections are important to me, okay? I gave up time with my friends to spend your fifteen minute break together. Can you not insult them?”
“Do you tell your friends not to insult your wife—I mean roommate”
“Stop Sera. Wentworth is the only one who does that and he is not my friend.”
“Okay. Well what does Carrie do when Wentworth makes his jokes?”
Sera looked at her watch and headed back to work. I finished off the birthday cake flavored pina colada and accepted a few free birthday shots from drunk overenthusiastic lesbians. I entered that warm peaceful woozy space Sera used to escape to. I felt like I was in a soft trance and I had to hold onto the bar so I couldn’t fall over.
I had a sip of cheap champagne when the ball dropped. Afterward I stumbled around looking for Sera but she was kissing one of her co-workers. I sat down to wait my turn but she ignored me. My phone vibrated in my pants and I fumbled for it. I recognized Carrie’s number and as I stepped outside to take the call I was reminded what happened last time I stepped out to take a call from someone I liked.
“Carrie”, I said expecting it to be loud on her side, “I was looking for you in Times Square…on TV”
“It was so cold. We’re at the condo now. Anyway…” I heard her friends laughing in the background, “I just wanted to say happy New Year.”
“2009”, I shouted into the phone for some reason
“Paris…are you drunk?”
“I’m twenty fucking one…now. I’m glad you called. “
“I’m glad you picked up.”
After a few seconds of silence we make our good-byes. The icy chill is already starting to sober me up. Instead of going back inside for a kiss I walk home.
+++
Carrie and I spent the last semester of junior year orbiting each other. Carrie was a social person and never wanted to be without her large friend group, which Wentworth was still very much a part of. It was always a gambit if he was nice to me or not.
I volunteered for InspireHer and really got into fundraising for the trips they were planning for their underprivileged clients. I had a way of talking people into donating money or buying crappy bake sale cookies they didn’t want. I even leveraged that experience into a twice weekly volunteer job with the local political party.
Sera and I were at a low point. We sort of lived around each other. I wasn’t in a rush to split up and didn’t want to kick Sera out. That summer I took a full load of classes and picked up more volunteer projects to keep the peace. Sera spent an unhealthy amount of time in the s gym and would occasionally pick up day shifts at Hey Mama’s.
I hadn’t thought anything of it until I’d found an old tea tin underneath the bed. I pulled it out and saw it was filled with dollar bills. I closed it and put it back figuring she was saving money for her own escape.
±4±
I put everything I had into making my senior year at Harvard a success. It was Spring 2010 and the pressure was fucking on. I lived in the campus library and never missed any of my social club events. Carrie and her friends became my academic lifeline that year. We’d spend hours in the library or workshopping each other’s papers. Carrie, Zane and I formed a small support group to get through the LSATs and law school applications. I felt like the people I’d known for four years had gotten used to me. I didn’t feel like that vulnerable twenty-year old who got married because he was lonely.
I only came to the apartment to sleep and change clothes. Sera was still doing the housework and sometimes indulged in her vices a little too much. Neither of us was ready to officially call it quits. We had patches were things were good. I’d get Sera to laugh and we’d go on a cheap date but eventually it would devolve into fighting. Sometimes we got drunk and had sex but it just made me feel guilty and frustrated.
“What do you think you’ll do when I’m in law school?” I asked Sera on my way out one morning. She’d fallen asleep on the couch so she wouldn’t wake me when she got in from her Sunday night shift.
“You got into law school?” she asked waking up a little.
“Not yet. I just…”
“What do you mean?” she asked
“If I really buckle down I can get a high paying associate jobs and the divorce—“
“Divorce? What?”
“Come on Sera. We’ve been on thin ice for a while.”
“You’re under a lot of pressure. That happens. That’s what Martha said.”
“…who is Martha?”
“From the HSA. The Harvard Spouse Association.”
My head was spinning. I’d heard of it but it was mostly professors and law students’ spouses.
“You’ve been coming on campus”, I said thinking about all the hints Wentworth had been dropping months ago, “Who did you talk to?”
“What’s your problem? I was just trying to understand all that Harvard bonding shit you are always talking about.”
“Did you tell Wentworth we’re married?”
She folded her arms and stood up.
“The meetings are off-campus. Why does it matter if Wentworth knows?”
“I don’t care if he knows I’m married I just -“
“Don’t want him to know you married me?”
“Sera. Don’t be like that”, I said suddenly feeling guilty as I picked up the lunch she made for me, “You don’t tell people either.”
“Because people don’t like housewives who like to sleep around.” She said.
“Okay well…people don’t like me and I don’t want to give them more reasons to think I don’t belong.”
“Is this about Carrie?” she said, “You think if she’s your girlfriend people will like you? I guess you two would be like a fucking power couple. She’s pretty, Harvard educated, and runs a non-profit you never shut up about. The real reason you haven’t asked her out is because you know she won’t put up with your issues. Also, helping underprivileged girls travel is a stupid out of touch idea for a non-profit.”
“That’s your…opinion.” I said, “Sera when we…got together I was in a really bad place. We both were. But I’m in a better place now. Carrie and Zane are talking about getting a house for law school and I think it’d be a good fit for me.”
“Be real with me Paris.”
“Fine. All this time I’ve been spending on campus with Carrie and her study group makes me finally feel like I have a family again. Carrie is amazing she reminds me of the kind of man I should be--.”
“What’s that? straight.” she said her tone was sharp and venomous.
“Fuck you.”
Sera slapped me and it was a shock to my system. The exchange of words and her hitting me happened so fast. My hand flew to my face and I could barely get my words out.
“What the fuck Sera. What the fuck?”
“I’m sorry”, she said quietly. Her voice cracked slightly, “I’m so sorry, Paris. I’m—“
“You need to leave right now. This is not okay, Sera.” I said still holding my face.
She took her time walking into the bedroom and came out a few minutes later with her duffel bag. She’d packed quickly, a part of her always ready to leave at a moment’s notice.
“Give me your apartment key.” I ordered now aware of the sting of pain at the side of my face.
Her eyes were rimmed red as she searched for it, a few tears running down her face.
“I’m sorry, Paris. I shouldn’t have-- I’m just so tired of people who are supposed to love me telling me I’m not good enough”, she said, “I was too queer for Anne. Too rebellious for Hippolyta and too female for the military. I was only good enough to be your family until the people who hazed, ignored and treated you like shit finally accepted you.”
“That’s not an excuse for hitting me, Seraphina”, I said as she wiped away a stray tear, “If I wasn’t already under enough pressure I’d be calling the cops.”
“Paris, don’t I—“
“I just need you to leave Sera.”
±±±
Sera moved back in a week later. After a few days with Charla and sleeping on random couches she asked to come back. I’d gone to meet with a counselor at student health to see what I should do but they seemed reluctant to help since police weren’t called.
I had to figure things out on my own and I hated that I couldn’t talk to anyone about this. Bfore Sera moved back in I asked her to meet me in the apartment lobby to set up expectations.
“I found an anger management course at Cambridge Community”, I began handing her the pamphlet. Sera had her duffel in her lap and read through it, “It’s a financial sacrifice but I think it’s the best way to put this behind us.”
She closed the pamphlet, “I shouldn’t have done that, but what class do you take for telling me to fuck off?”
“I’m sorry for that. I am. I won’t ever disrespect you again. But that is no excuse for violence, Seraphina. That should never happen. It’s abuse Seraphina. You are already pre-conditioned having had an abusive boyfriend. If you take this course I’m willing to let you stay in the apartment.”
“Are you seeing Carrie, now?” she asked.
“I asked her on a date. Nothing serious.”
“Are we still…together?”
“I don’t think Carrie will be into this whole open relationship thing. I’m thinking once I start law school we should look into going our separate ways until we can afford to divorce.”
“I knew it”, she said standing up, “I knew this would happened. Remember? I said Paris you’re going places and to tell me about it, but you were the nice boy who said I could come with you. That was when I fell in love with you.”
“I was in a bad place. I just wanted someone to give a shit about me”
“Me too.“ She said snatching up the pamphlet
±±±
Carrie and I managed to go on one date during the maelstrom final semester of senior year. I bought her flowers and chocolates because I’d seen it in movies. What I hadn’t expected was half her sorority house to be gathered around the door when I arrived. While waiting for Carrie I joked that I felt like I was being interrogated then remembered half of them were pre-law so maybe I was being interrogated.
Carrie eventually came downstairs in a bright blue dress with white chevrons. She hovered slightly over me in her espadrilles but I was used to that.
We went for a walk in the park, then grabbed some ice cream on the way to meet the study group at the library. Carrie showed me how she took selfies on her iPhone and I had to admit we looked good together.
“Did hear back from law schools?” She asked.
“Just a rejection from Duke. You?” I’d opted for coffee ice cream andt I was already feeling to hyper.
““I …got in here and Stanford.”
“Fuck. That’s amazing, Carrie. Sorry”, I added because I tried not to curse in front of her.
“I know. Hey, Kelsey lined up a big donor and she is going to run the InspireHer office in Cambridge after graduation. If you don’t get in anywhere we can totally find a place for you in the organization”
“Wow. That’d be amazing. Maybe we can do some expanding?”
“You mean to other states?” she asked
“I mean the scope. Maybe look into stuff like shelters or sexual wellness courses or legal assistance—“
“I mean we want to focus on providing enriching lifetimes experiences. Every girl should get to travel and experience the world—without having to stress about cost.”
“I guess I can see that. I know I’d like to travel one day.”
“You will, Paris. You know you are pretty amazing. Considering where you came from and doing everything on your own.”
Except I hadn’t done it on my own.
We were getting closer to the library and I stood on the first step so I was little bit taller than her.
“Carrie, I appreciate you inviting me in with your friends this year.”
“Come on, Paris. You’ve always been around. So, do you kiss on the first date?”
I had to laugh to myself considering I’d gotten married on a first date. By the time I opened my mouth to respond I felt a huge weight on my back as Wentworth jumped on me from behind.
“Finals!” he shouted as the rest of the study group filtered in after him, “Let’s get ready to study.”
Carrie laughed at Wentworth’s antics. She let go of my hand and I followed her into the library.
±5±
Carrie and I never found time for another date. Finals and last minute graduation prep got in the way, the next time I saw Carrie was during our last Econ Law study session. Wentworth and Zane had planned the session but forgot to book a study room. We were stranded with just our books.
“Let’s go to the public library”, I suggested but Zane and Wentworth talked over me.
“Let’s go to Zane’s dorm”, Wentworth said, “Since he fucked up the scheduling.”
“No, dude”, Zane cut in with his arm around his girlfriend, Stephanie, “My roommate is even more uptight than Prince. Hey…let’s just go to his place. It’s not like his roommate is studying.”
“I’m right here”, I said. Zane had the nerve to look offended I’d called him out.
“Fine, let’s do it”, Wentworth said.
“Is that okay, Paris?” Carrie asked pointedly. I struggled to come up with a reason to say no. I didn’t want to be weird about it. Even though we were weeks away from graduation I was still earning my place in this group.
“Uh, sure.”
I texted Sera as we piled into Zane’s car. I’d been going to campus at 5am and coming back at 10pm most days so I didn’t know Sera’s schedule or if she had someone over.
Brng st. grp… W. coming ovr….
?
Shit
I cursed to myself when she didn’t answer.
“This place is nice”, Stephanie said when we entered the lobby. I led the group up to the fourth floor and slowly opened the door. The apartment was as always neat and spotless. Sera’s keys were sprawled on the kitchen bar.
“Sera?” I called out, “We’re—“
Sera was sleeping off a hangover on the couch. Lipsticks prints were on her face and her half buttoned white shirt. I awkwardly dropped my bag and pushed passed the study group to gently wake her up. She squinted awake and quickly noticed the people in our apartment.
“Sera…we need to study.” I said gently before she could say anything.
“Fuck”, she said quietly squinting at the flood of sunlight from the window, “Sorry. Late night”
“Uhh It’s okay”, Wentworth said raising his eyebrow as he notices the lipstick marks. I helped her off the couch and she made herself scarce in the bedroom.
“Sorry”, I said inviting everyone to sit down and turning on the coffee pot. There wasn’t enough places for people to sit, so the guys had to sit on the floor. Wentworth told me to get some pillows but I pretended not to hear him. I only had the one and Sera was sleeping on it.
I couldn’t concentrate with Wentworth there, I could tell he was looking for proof I was the fake loser he saw me as. Even Zane, Stephanie and Carrie eyed the sparsely furnished space and threadbare couch. The kitchen only had a water filter and a bag of food Sera picked up from the food bank. They knew I wasn’t wealthy but hadn’t really seen how little I had.
I don’t remember whose idea it was to go out for hookah once we burned out. I also didn’t remember whose idea it was to invite Sera to go with us. Sera cleaned up nice in a short sleeve tartan button up that showed off her muscles and lose black jeans.Sera was quiet as we piled into Zane’s car. I could tell she was taken aback by the leather seats and the car’s fancy touch screen dashboard.
“How long have you guys been friends?” Stephanie asked.
“We grew up in the same town”, I said because Sera was quiet around new people.
The bar was loud and it was pretty crowded for a Thursday night because a local band was playing. Some sort of indie Gaelic rock. The minute we sat down my “dinner” anxiety kicked in. I only had $7 in my pocket and I’d run up limits on all my credit cards.
Carrie and I were the only ones who didn’t want to smoke so we sat next to each other. Sera sat casually on my other side, when no one was looking she passed me a twenty. Our eyes met briefly and I read that expression as “you owe me.” She was wearing a shit ton of drugstore cologne that somehow complemented her mint hookah.
Zane and Wentworth were loud and obnoxiously making fun of the band. They were really just blowing off steam because in two weeks we’d be out in the “real world”. Whatever the fuck that meant. The table humored their antics but humoring straight guys wasn’t Sera’s thing. Sera doesn’t smile a lot and I was afraid she looked bitchy.
I’d followed Carrie’s lead and ordered a spiked chai cocktail while Zane and Sera talked about workout routines.
“Guess your roommates isn’t that bad”, Wentworth said angling his head to where Zane was showing Sera a fitness monitor.
“Why?” I said, “Because you actually got to know and spend time with her instead of making crass jokes. Is that how you treat everyone who is not like you? ”
“Hey, guys”, Carrie said interrupting, “Come on. Paris, we’re all still learning to be more open.”
There was a mirror on the wall opposite the table and I’d occasionally got distracted watching Sera smoke. I caught Sera watching me in the mirror but her eyes were flickering between the easy way Carrie and I were turned to each other. At some point she’d nervously worked the top three buttons on her shirt open I kept staring at the fourth button as she blew out a smooth cloud of smoke. Fuck.
I was now seriously aroused and abruptly stood up. I took a long sip of my drink before excusing myself. After I talked my body out of a full blown erection I went back to the table. Sera was my sipping my drink; she and Carrie were whispering intently about something. Carrie made room for me between them and I finished my drink when Sera set it down.
It’s not until I set it down that I realize Wentworth and Zane are whispering and pointing to the drink I’d been sharing with Sera. I clear my throat ready to head home when Sera gets up from the table. She leaves some cash on the table and wanders to the stage where the band is breaking down their equipment.
“What were you and Sera talking about”, I asked Carrie.
“I was just asking her about her accent.”
“Her…what?” I said my eyes settling on Sera who had wondered over to one of the female band members struggling to get her cello off the stage. I turn back to Carrie, “I guess I never noticed? I thought she had a lisp—“
“WOOO. Prince!” Wentworth shouted to the table, “You ain’t getting any studying down tonight.”
Wentworth stupidly jumped on top of Zane as if he’d scored a touchdown or something. They are trading looks at the stage where Sera is making out with the band’s cello player. Zane and Wentworth stare stupidly and pull out their iPhones.
“Really, guys” I say putting my hand over what looked like the camera. The cello girls says something to her bandmates then she and Sera head out the bar.
“I’m jealous man.”, Wentworth said, “I’m actually jealous of Prince. Most guys gotta pay premium for that shit”
I shrug my jacket on, “I –should head out ---—I think she has my keys.”
“Paris”, Carrie starts.
“I have to go I’ll see you guys later.”
Zane and Wentworth start cackling over a private joke. Carrie shakes her head and commiserates with Stephanie. I double my speed to catch Sera. The block is empty but I loop back around and find Sera and the girl behind the building smoking pot.
“What the hell was that?” I shouted from a few feet away. I kept my distance because I drew the line at doing illegal drugs.
Cello girl got a little jumpy, Sera just stubbed out the joint.
“It’s okay”, Sera told her, “It’s not you. I’ll call you.”
Cello girl moves past me, she’s pretty agile with her cello strapped to her back. Sera takes her time walking over to me.
“I’ll ask again. Sera, what the hell was that ?”
“Her name is Daphne. She performs at the bar sometimes. I thought we had an open relationship or whatever we have now.”
“Come on Sera. Making out in public with a girl you barely know? That’s not you”
She shook her head, “I thought you’d be happy. Now your friends won’t know you wake me up in the middle of the night because you want to fuck my ass.”
It was finally my turn to roll my eyes.
“...I...I don’t care if people know we are together, Sera.”
“You do. Look, once you’ve been thrown out for being gay….it’s hard to be with someone who can’t figure their shit out.”
“I can’t be rejected again, Sera. I can’t give them as reason to reject me. They have to want me. They have to love me. I can’t be alone again. Fuck. I’ll put up with Wentworth but I just can’t be left again.”
"... I get it Paris.”
“You do?”
“While you were studying I was listening by the door. I mean I didn’t understand most of it but you sounded so happy and excited talking about policy and internships and law school with them. You needed people who can help you climb. That’s not me. You’re going places, Paris. I’m done holding you back. I called Leon. He’s stationed out in Iowa and a friend of his is hiring field hands.”
“Fuck that.”
“What?”
“I’m not going places”, I said, “I got rejected from Harvard Law. I might as well join you in Iowa.”
“Fuck. Sorry. “
“…I got rejected from every single law school and grad school I applied too. I got waitlisted at Georgetown but that’s just a master’s program. I’ve been putting my resume out there but it’s…not…what I planned. When these student loans come due I’m fucked.”
“Carrie said she offered you a job—“
“I don’t know…I think I’m kind of done with Boston and Harvard. Can I tell you a secret?”
“Sure.”
“I hate it here. I hate Cambridge.” I said almost gleefully, “I fucking hate this fucking school. I even think I hate most of those people in there. I wish I could knock some sense into my teenage self. You were right. They weren’t my friends. I saw the way they looked at the apartment and I realized none of them has ever spent time with me without Carrie.”
Sera laughed to herself, “Now that life is kicking the shit out of you, you need me again.”
It sure looked that way.
“There was just so much love and family around Carrie and I wanted a part of it. I’ve been a glutton for love my whole life. Hungry for it. Seraphina. You spent the last eighteen months supporting, loving and accepting me. That should have been enough. I’m sorry Sera. I’m so sorry. Don't give up on me. “
“I want us to work.” she said taking my hand. I pulled her towards me and kissed her, “I love you, Paris. I promise I will never hurt you again. I promise. “
I stood on my toes and hugged her. It was the first time she’d ever said ‘I love you’. The first time anyone had said that to me. We stood outside until I could stop myself from crying. I was emotionally drained.
“Come on”, I said wearily, “I’m going back inside and telling everyone we’re together. I want to start living my real life.”
“Mmm, I have a better idea.”
Sera pushed back against the restaurant‘s back door and pulled me into the bustling kitchen. She quickly navigated her way out and to the back of the bar then ducked into the men’s restroom. She locked the door and pressed her mouth hard against mine. I unbuttoned her shirt and ran my hands up her flat hard stomach tracing the defined lines of her muscles and hard nipples. She gently brushed her nose against mine and loosened my belt, lowered my pants and placed soft kisses on my sternum down to the base of my dripping cock.
I let out a low involuntary moan when her mouth was fixed tight around me, my back hitting the door. The tongue that had been forceful inside my mouth now teased me to the edge, the danger of getting caught seemed to heighten the sensation. Sera took one hand off my hip and slid her hand into her pants. I ran my fingers through Sera’s short hair. My head was pounding from all the blood rushing and the way Sera dragged her tongue up and down my cock, slowly lapping around the tip before taking me into her mouth “Fuck”, I murmured, “Fuck. Sera, fuck—“
She put both hands on back on my hips, her mouth warm and tight around me until I finished coming. Even though I was coming back down my head was still pounding. Sera fixed her shirt and splashed some water on her face. That was when I realized it wasn’t my head that was pounding...it was the door.
Sera composed herself and opened the door. We of course came face-to-face with a dumbstruck Travis Wentworth.
“Holy shit Prince are you—“
“Paris has put up with enough of your bullshit”, Sera said, “There are two weeks left until graduation in that time I don’t’ want to hear you’ve been insulting or making jokes about Paris. It’s probably best you keep at least 100 feet away. If I find out you’ve been talking about him behind his back I will beat the shit out of you, kick your ass and drag you to Paris’ feet where you can apologize to him. Don’t even think about calling your father or do. I’ll probably end up fucking him.”
Wentworth opened and closed his mouth multiple times but no words came out. When Sera takes a step forward he politely moves out of her way.
I feel like I should have some last words for Wentworth but I just congenially nod and follow Seraphina home.
±6±
Five days before graduation I was taken off the waitlist and accepted into Georgetown’s applied economics master’s program. It was bittersweet. I had a place to go even if it was a far cry from law school.
I graduated 12th in my class with honors. My heart felt heavy crossing the stage. I was thinking about Hmjeu and wishing so fucking hard he was here. I’d sent an invite to the Boy’s Home but all I got back was a renewed cease and desist order.After commencement the energy was electric, people I’d spent the past four years trying to impress briefly pulled me into hugs and group photos. In the middle of it all I found a quiet place in the stands to watch my fellow graduates and their families.
“I did it”, I said to the empty seat next to me, “Thank you.”
Carrie spots me sitting alone and introduces me to her parents. Our flirtatious relationship had dissolved after that night at the hookah bar. It broke my heart but I realize I’d never be happy with a partner that was a bystander.
“We’re having a party at the Four Seasons by the harbor”, Carried said, “Come by. I bet you want to say good-bye to everyone before you go to D.C”
“The only person I’m going to miss is you, Carrie. You’re an amazing person. You’re going to do great things.”
“You too, Paris.”
She walked off with Zane and Stephanie. I focused on the future.
“Shit”, I jumped when someone hugged me from behind
Sera kissed the side of my face, then moved to sit in the empty seat next to me . She was wearing a new outfit; black slacks with a tucked in crimson button-up and shiny dress shoes.
“You did it”, she said bumping my shoulder slightly, “I am so fucking proud of you.”
“I fumbled it towards the end. With us”
“We both fucked up. We have the rest of our lives to figure it out.” she leaned back in her seat, “I can’t believe I married a fucking Harvard graduate.”
“You did”, I said still in disbelief myself. I handed her my diploma, “For everything you’ve done to help me through school this is as much yours as it is mine. I’m going to work on being a better husband.”
“We’ll figure it out”, she said and she was right. She reached into her tote bag and pulled out the tea tin I’d seen under the bed. Her escape fund, “This is for you.”
“I can’t take your money—“
“It’s our money. I was saving it for you. We can get your degree framed. Or you can get a class ring. It’s just a hundred dollars so I don’t know if--”
“Can I use it to take my wife out to a nice dinner?”
“Yes.” She said with a flicker of a smile.
We sat in silence and watched families reunite on the floor. Eventually we headed out and I keep my hand wrapped tight around Sera’s the entire time.
“I--never in a million years” said to her over the crowd moving my hand to her lower back as we passed the Wentworth Family
“What?”
“When I started here four years ago never in a million years did I think someone would be waiting for me when I got off that stage.”
Two days after graduation with just two suitcases of belongings Sera and I caught a Greyhound to Washington D.C. and never looked back.
+++
WHEW! So this is the chapter that was never supposed to be written. Originally this chapter was just the top portion about their open relationship and the hookah bar section--but I wanted to dig into their relationship's rocky start. The next chapter is going to introduce us to how to their alternative lifestyle.
Both characters makes some big mistakes in this chapter. Hopefully they will learn.
Yes, I used the song title Hey Mama for a stand-in for a bar name…then kept it
.