+1+
The next morning Katie’s best friend Janie pulls up to the trailer in her bright yellow 2000 Ford Explorer. Janie jumps out the car and runs into the house to meet Katie in the kitchen, when Janie and Katie were together their positive energy was infectious and I needed to soak up some of that.
Katie and I systematically loaded the kids in the car. It took Katie almost an hour to pull Tammi-Lynn and Evianna from the television, they didn’t have cars seats but Katie said they never used them. I wanted to put up a fight, but I only had enough energy for one fight now-- so I let it go. Katie got really nervous when I carried Charity out and put her in the car. Tammi-Lynn and Evianna turned into a chorus of “nos” telling me she wasn’t allowed to leave.
“It’s fine, girls”, I said buckling Charity in, “It’s fine. It will be our secret.”
Katie nodded in encouragement but they still weren’t happy about it. While getting Charity ready I’d found a Disney princess wheelchair she was too big for in the closet and I put it in the car just in case. With Charity safely out of the house I helped Katie balance so she could step into the SUV. I let her strap Elijah into his car seat and then I hopped out the SUV.
Once everyone was settled, I got into to the ugly green minivan by myself. I relished driving in silence and glanced at the printed instruction on the seat while making my way to The County Car Emporium. I missed a few turns but kept checking my mirrors to make sure the yellow SUV was following me. The County Car Emporium was nestled on the outskirts of Petal Brooke and I pulled the van right out front .A clean cut salesman in a silver tie greeted me as I stepped out the car. I double checked the car to make sure nothing was left behind and went to greet the salesman with the paperwork in tow.
Janie’s car had pulled up behind me and it sounded like they were having a party, everyone was singing along to a Miley Cyrus song and for once Elijah wasn’t crying, he didn’t even seem to notice I hadn’t been in the car.
I sold the 1999 Sienna for $3,543 dollars. The salesman gave me a little extra and kept going on about how immaculate clean it was. The car loan had been for 8,400 but I had the cash now. I climbed into the party car and squeezed in between Katie and Elijah. We stopped for ice cream at McDonald’s on the way back. I felt okay splurging so I bought for the entire car. I wasn’t hungry and gave Charity a little of the ice cream. Again the girls tried to stop me, I don’t think Charity expected it to be cold and I noticed Charity kicked her feet again like she had in the water, I felt my lips pull into a smile at the little gesture
From my very limited knowledge there seemed to be no reason why she couldn’t walk, but then again there was no reason Elijah couldn’t crawl. They just never had a chance, I guess. Her little leg kicks felt like hope. The sing-along starts again and I can’t bring myself to sing. I feel safe in this moment, but I also know if they don’t get out, this place will destroy everyone in this car.
+2+
Tomas
I’ve never fucking hated this wheelchair more in my damn life.
This chair was built for city sidewalks; it was small and sleek so it could move through Midtown crowds and city bodegas while also minimal enough to blend in with foot traffic.
Fuck, what I’d give for a little power to get farther and farther away from this fucking place. It took me an hour to get to the tattoo shop after Sofia and Judson kicked me out. Sofia and fucking Judson. Fuck that. I opened the lock to the tattoo shop and slept in the back while charging my phone.
Judson, lazy bastard, never came in to work that day so I just hid out. I spent half the night in suffering through withdrawal before I remember the stash in Judson’s drawer. That fucker owed me. Airing my dirty fucking laundry like that. Asshole. I used some tools to break into his drawer and took anything I could get my hands on, then I fell asleep. Okay…I blacked out.
I made a plan to leave before Judson came in the next morning, but his ugly ass jeep pulled up as I was crossing the parking lot, Judson turns and drives slowly next to me.
“Dude, I’m sorry”, he says out the window, “I didn’t mean to put your shit out there, you know how those girls from Petal Brooke bring out the worst in me. Remember that girl Tonya?
“I can’t talk to you”, I said, “I gotta to get clean, I gotta to get the fuck out of here.”
I keep going even though I don’t know where I’m headed. It’s hot as hell and I’m itching for a damn fix.
“I really didn’t mean to say all that shit”, Judson apologizes, and “It just came out.”
“Why’d you push me out the fucking trailer? Bet you liked taking her side. Sofia’s never going to open her legs so you wasted that good guy savior bullshit you like to pull.”
I expect him to turn away but he keeps following me.
“Dude, come on. Let me take you somewhere at least”, Judson offers.
I stop moving, I’m coming down hard from the high and sweating in the late July heat. I’d go for miles to get another fix—not that I wanted another fix …but if someone told me there was one on the other side of town. I’d go all day and night.
“Fine I know where I want you to take me.”
+++
“The fuck?” Veronica says when I throw my overnight bag at her. She peers around me as Judson drives off.
“I need a place to say”, I repeat “And you still owe me for the tattoo. You started this shit by giving me the laced pills and I need a place to get this shit out of my system.”
“I didn’t make you take them.” she says letting my bag fall to the ground
“You also didn’t say ‘hey this is fucking heroine or carfentanil or whatever that shit that’s killing everybody. You know how addictive that shit was? ”
“Look, this is my Mama’s house.” she says opening the door wider to reveal Donna in the living room.
“Great maybe we can detox together. That was her shit right?”
Veronica’s mother sneers at me from where she is injecting a something into her arm from her throne on the tacky velvet couch
“This is my medicine,” Donna says, “God, Your mama had blinders on when it came to you. Didn’t see what a fucking devil you were. Not my fault you can’t hold good shit.”
“You didn’t know my mom.” My mom mentioned Donna once or twice. She made a lot of fat jokes about her but they had a relationship that was purely transactional.
“I knew enough.” Donna said, “She stole one of my damn boyfriends.”
I want to laugh at that.
“I need a place to stay, Donna. I promise I won’t steal your boyfriend.”
“Why should I let you stay after all that trouble your wife is causing people?” She asks.
I try and look as vulnerable as I feel.
“I don’t think we are…together anymore. I just need a place to crash for a few days. I’ll help out, please.”
“Whatever. At least you are a lot prettier than Judson.”
“Thank you.”
“Junkies can sleep out back”, Veronica says settling on the couch next to her mom. She points to the back of the house and I wheel out the door and onto the screened in porch. With the adrenaline gone I promptly pass out on the closest lounge chair.
At some point Veronica’s comes out and sprays me down with the water hose.
“Fuck”, I yell and bolt up in my chair.
“It helps.” she says, “Tricks you into the thinking the cold water is causing the shakes.”
“What do you know about it?” I say realizing I probably needed a real shower.
“I’ve seen shit. I mean going through A.A. isn’t like this… but I’ve seen shit. Especially with Mama.”
“A.A.?” I say not realizing she was an alcoholic, “But…you still drink all the fucking time.”
“I can control it now”, she says.
“Probably shuldn’t have given you that tattoo, huh?”
She turns her shoulder and smiles down at the little tattoo. I like that at least my art can make people happy.
+3+
I was never like this
A deadbeat
A leech.
A fucking loser.
I’d been too young and I always had my mom to fall back on. My mom always put a roof over our heads and always had a few dollars in her pocket. It helped that she was super charming and pretty. I knew how she made most of her money, but I couldn’t get that low again… I also probably wasn’t that good at it.
I channel my inner Sofia after moving in with Veronica and Donna. I help around the house when I’m not violently detoxing on the screened I back porch. The two bedroom house is a color palates’ worst nightmare. The living room walls are painted a dull purple and the cheap upholstered leopard print furniture might have looked better in an understated room. The walls are littered with photographs of Veronica’s family and the ancient lamps and appliances have been around since Veronica’s grandmother owned the house. Something about the colors made me feel sick to my stomach.
Veronica’s mother Donna always has the TV turned up loud enough to drown out her beeping insulin pump. The constant laugh track feels like it’s mocking me and whenever she takes her “medicine”. She liked to tease me, to offer me a few grams if I went down on her but I told her I was still legally married and she called me a pussy. People are always stopping by the house to visit with Miss. Donna and they never leave empty handed.
Donna had a bedroom but I’d never seen her leave the couch for more than a few minutes. She took her meals there and even though Donna never left the house, Veronica spent an hour doing her makeup on that couch. Donna had everything she needed within arms reach including a thick set of dollar bills she hid in a throw pillow.
“You can have a freebie”, Donna said filling a little baggie while watching her soap operas.
“I’m detoxing.” I said for the millionth time whenever she tried to sell me something.
“Here. Damn take it. Stop being a pussy. Consider it a gift for not sending you a card when your Mama died.”
I consider the fact that I’ve spent the last few days sleeping on the porch of my half-brother’s ex-girlfriends’ house. I think about how I’ve try to reacquaint myself with the pain in my legs, the pain is so intense I almost considered cutting myself-- thinking it would release the pressure. I also let myself think about Sofia who wouldn’t pick up a single call or answer a text. I also thought about how I was stuck penniless in this fucking town.
“What is it?” I ask looking at the powder like it was fucking salvation.
“Just a little heroin. If you iron Veronica’s uniforms I’ll give it to you for free.
Fuck it.
I sit on the couch and Donna runs her hands over my bulging veins. I couldn’t have lost that much weight in just a week but I feel so fucking hollow. Donna finds a good vein and taps hard on it before injecting my am.
“My mom used to do this for me.” I say feeling a little nostalgic for the evenings my Mom and I spent getting high together.
“She seemed like the type”, Donna says putting her long white-blonde hair in a ponytail, “Put a little tranq in there for you. How is it?”
“Damn…mmm. Fuck", I feel the warmth run through me and all my stress floats away. I felt like I could fucking relax, “Fuck that feels so good. Why can’t they make anti-depressants this good? ”
Donna smiles knowingly. She gets it. I don’t know what her deal is but she gets what it’s like to only get happiness from chemicals.
“When I was a kid”, I tell her, “My Mom found me crying in our room because I felt like I didn’t fit in at school. I told her I was sad and wanted to go back to Lithuania. I told her I wanted to die. That I thought about ways to kill myself.”
“Pussy”, she says under a low laugh. I laugh too because I was such a sensitive kid.
“She told me she had some medicine for me”, I looked pointedly at Donna, and “That she had something that would make me feel better and …12 years later here I am. I was like…thirteen.”
I sink into the couch and forgot whatever the hell it was I was supposed to be doing.
“God, you are one dumb motherfucker”, Donna says.
I slide right back into withdrawal the next day. I was a real fucking class act; jonesing, shaking, vomiting and cold sweats. Veronica had pilfered a fentanyl patch from her mom’s supply to help me crash a little slower, the problem was it soothed my pain which was something I needed to learn to live with.
I’d started collecting the bottles and cans from around the house thinking maybe I can cash them in until I can figure something else out. I head back out to the back porch feeling exhausted when I see Veronica laying out in the dry grass in a polka dot bikini, she was on the phone talking shit about one of her friends. Everything was so slow here, I felt like the morning was going on forever.
I cleaned up around the screened in porch, tossing cigarettes into the garbage bag. There was a pile of foul smelling blankets in the corner, I shoved them aside expecting to find something dead, instead there was a portable DVD player under the sheets. I moved some of the plastic sheeting around and saw some kid’s toys and bags of chips and underneath it were yellowing oxygen tubes. I opened the DVD player and The Little Mermaid started playing.
The three steps down into the yard weren’t that steep, so I said a quick prayer and balanced on my back wheels and ever so carefully took one step, then another balancing the chair quickly.
“Veronica”, I said powering through the grass and rolling up to her.
“I’m on the phone”, she said sitting up.
I toss the portable DVD player down, “Veronica.”
“What”, she says sitting up.
“Does Charity really fucking sleep out here?”
“She likes it out here. She screams like a motherfucking banshee when we bring her inside. It’s just during the summer. I check on her.”
I look at the pathetic lock on the screened in porch. The fence was locked up pretty tight but anyone could jump it.
“So”, I ask, “…Has she always been like that?”
She shrugs her shoulders, “ She was really sick when she was born and didn’t develop right. I think it was all the fumes in this place cause I wasn’t using using. ..people were judging me and Judson was not helpful and being a jerk, plus he was cheating and his damn temper . . . so I left her with MawMaw. MawMaw raised me and my nephews so she knew what she was doing. Some kids are just like mentally slow or whatever…like Judson’s cousin. I mean my son wasn’t like that—he’s playing soccer now. I may go up to see him in the fall.”
“So, what? Judson got her after your Grandma died?”
“I mean”, she sat up and I tried not to look at the cleavage spilling out of her bikini top, “She was in foster care and I visited but Judson found out he’d get a check if he took her full-time. It was such a clusterfuck to get her out of the system. I’m actually thankful she can’t understand anything. Judson asked Mama and me to take one week a month so he can give little Miss. Jailbait a break. I don’t know why he likes messing with those young girls. I mean I’m old enough to be her mom. Ugh.”
“It’s just…” I said scratching involuntarily at my legs. Wasn’t it time for me to get high? “I just…don’t think you should keep her out here. It’s like hot and shit.”
“We aren’t monsters”, Veronica says getting up and sitting in my lap. Even with the fentanyl patch on it hurts so much I nearly piss myself, “There is an A/C plugged in.”
“I think she does like…understand.”
Veronica gave me an overly dramatic look, “Says the junkie. Besides you’ve seen how she is. She just didn’t have a chance to develop right. There's nothing there. Ain’t nothing we can do about it now?”
“It’s just . . .the day I got kicked out of Judson’s trailer…Charity was screaming cause she’d fallen and hit her head.”
“Ouch”, Veronica said, “Judson didn’t tell me that. Is she okay?”
“I think so. She’d made a mess in her diaper and had to sit in it all night. I think she was trying to get out of bed. I think she wanted Sofia to clean her up, Sofia is like a nurse and has been helping out.”
Veronica looked doubtful.
“I’m not saying that’s not true, she has lucid moments…”
She trails off and I can tell she doesn’t want to talk about this.
“I think I’m going to throw up”, I lie so she gets off me.
“Don’t make me get the hose.”
+++
So, for those of you wondering the reason Veronica doesn’t have custody is because her Mom is a drug dealer.