+1+
November 2007
“S-s-s-s”
“He’s at it again”, Nurse Robinson mutters to herself as she hands out my room assignments. I smile complacently, ready to start my day. I’d arrived early so I could get the best items for my cart; the newest water carafes, softest tissues and freshly chilled applesauce.
“Who is?” I ask because I have no idea what she is talking about.
“Mr. Future Organ Donor”, she says sarcastically, “All of them are reckless.”
“I’m sorry?” I say wondering if this is a pop culture reference going over my head.
“The motorcycle accident. Poor thing was thrown 30 feet.”
“Oh no.”
“I’ve been telling him not to talk. He’s stubborn.”
She pads off to the front desk and I decide my act of kindness today will be to start with his room. The one thing I’ve learned since I started working at the Morris County hospital is that a lot of people just want company and a bit of distraction. I always make small talk if patients are in my rooms. Making that connection reminds me that even though working at the hospital isn’t my first, second or third choice of employment-- at least the work is good.
Generally, hospital aides shouldn’t interact with patients at all-- but the county hospital is so overcrowded that we let things slip. A tall massive body is sprawled on the metal bed. Cloudy tubes and clunky machines are attached to a broad figure covered in thick bandages. His face is bandaged except for his left eye. His eye is familiar vivid blue of people born into The Order of The Angels. He grunts and I realize I know him.
“Leon”, his name comes to me along with the few memories I have of him. A gargantuan quiet boy who arrived in junior year with Helios crew. They were a group of wild young men who’d been liberated from our former country as teens and shuffled across refugee camps. Those boys had been a sight. All of them were handsome with hard eyes and heavy accents. The boys had grown up in underfunded camps. They had been in awe of some simple luxuries like liquid soap and water fountains.
I’d wanted so much to ask them about our home country but Anne had warned me away.
“You stay away from them”, Sister Anne had said, “Mongrels. I’m sure of it.”
“But they are from The Order. Like us.” I’d protested.
Anne had looked up from the theology she was transcribing for Father Ligos.
“They lived in an outpost. Probably the sons of soldiers and farmers. Several rungs below us.”
Anne is one of only a handful of people who has memories of our former country’s culture and customs, so in that moment I trusted her guidance.
Leonidas Argos was one of the few who stayed in high school and got involved in sports. Helios stayed too but I think he just enjoyed the power he could assert over the younger kids. Helios was sly and smart. He assimilated perfectly and made friends quick. Leon was always so…quiet. What I can recall about him is tied and mixed in with memories I want to forget...
-2-
Spring 2005
“Aria has a crush”, Hippolyta nudged me and I almost fell off the bleachers. I tried to give Hippolyta an about-face. She had convinced me to stay late after school because she needed help studying for Chemistry. As soon as I met her outside study hall she whisked me away to watch the wrestling semi-qualifiers.
“I do not”, I said looking away from Leon.
“Mhmm. We’re supposed to be cheering on Sera but you haven’t looked at her once.”
“You’re here to cheer on Sera. I’m an unwilling accomplice.” I reminded her.
“OMG! Look… those guys in the ties are college recruiters. This could be big.”
Two men were whispering and pointing the seniors. I watched as Sera made her way over to Leon and brought his forehead to hers. They huddled together and strategized for a few minutes. They looked so serious and professional. I was kind of proud. I don’t know what Sera said to him (or really how wrestling worked) but Leon did something on the mat that made the crowd lost control. Hippy was out of her seat cheering, I clapped like I knew what was going on.
I quickly figured out that the team had qualified for regional championships. It was apparently the first time in a decade. After the game Hippy and I hung around the girl’s locker rooms until Seraphina emerged. Sera was totally surprised to see us there and let out an actual laugh when Hippolyta launched herself into her arms. Sera almost toppled over but she managed to catch Hip and spin her around.
“Yeah sports!” Hippolyta said when Sera finally set her down.
“You didn’t have to come”, Sera said working her wet hair into a top knot. Hippolyta gleefully held Sera’s book bag while Sera slipped on her beaded green bracelet—which was identical to the one she was wearing.
“I totally did. You kicked those guys’ asses. Or I think you did. ” Hippolyta fished around in her tote bag for the endless supply of sour candy she stockpiled from vending machines around town, “ Aria has a crush on your new friend by the way.”
Seraphina thought on this. She always thought so intently before spoke. I wish I had that ability to not just blurt the first thing on my mind. I was always a little surprised when I heard how deep her voice was. When she was twelve I’d spend the whole summer teaching her to use her that voice so she could come to middle school with us.
“Leon?” Sera questioned and I almost blushed.
“Poly is just being silly”, I said taking a handful of the Watermelon Sour Patch Kids Hippolyta shoved into my face.
“He’s really nice.” Sera said taking a handful of the candy even though she hated it, “I can introduce you.”
“No. I mean I—”
“Just as friends.” Sera clarified.
“No.”, I said tugging on my tote bag, “Anne wouldn’t like it...”
We’d all witnessed the punishments girls received when they broke the House rules. Seraphina had experienced more than her fair share. At the thought Sera reflexively locked her fingers tighter with Hippolyta’s.
I changed the subject to weekend plans. Hippy and Sera were planning to go to study at the Morris County library (which really meant making out and watching DVDs in the media room). Making up an excuse to leave The House was always easy. It was getting anywhere that was tricky. The braver girls hitchhiked. Some (like Hippy) made friends with the Americans at school with cars. That was getting harder to do nowadays since more and more Americans left town. There were no real jobs, the town was rundown and a lot of unsavory people had started showing up.
“Be careful”, I warned them.
“We’ll be fine. Are you picking up the church bank wires on Saturday? Maybe you can give us a ride back”, Hippy said with an upward tilt to her voice.
“Sure.”
“…And maybe we can stop at the White Castle on the way back…” She continued.
“Fine.”
Hippy gave me a hug and did a small victory dance. She pulled Sera into her frivolity—it’s like the moment they touch they are all googly-eyes and in their own world. You’d never guess they had been together for almost three very long years.
An uncomfortable, but familiar, silence fell as we got closer to The House. We stopped a block away so Sera could take her cargo shorts off and pull on a long white peasant dress. Both of them shed their jewelry and I helped Hippy bury her library books in the empty lot around the corner from the House.
“You really had to find a book with ‘raunch’ in the title.” I said wrapping the book in the plastic bag she always kept with her.
“It’s about raunch culture”, she explained dropping the book in the shallow hole. I put my sparkly pink ring and glitter lip gloss in there for good measure. Before going inside we gave each other once overs for violations. I stopped Sera before she went inside.
“Sera. You should be careful with those newcomers. Those boys are different-- they aren’t like Hmjeu’s boys—“
“Leon is cool. I’ll introduce you after school tomorrow.”
“Okay.”
I agreed but she never got the chance.
+3+
That night Anne wrenched me from my bed. A quick glimpse at clock confirmed it was 2am. I was afraid I’d done something wrong.
As soon as we’d gotten to the House we’d scrubbed in for dinner shift. I’d supervised the three dinner service shifts and helped with clean-up. All 42 girls had completed prayers on time. We’d all completed our homework while listening to Father Ligos evening sermon on the radio. It had been a perfect rule-abiding evening.
“Tend to her”, was all Anne said to me and pointed to the bathroom. I dutifully scrambled to the bathroom. Hippolyta was sitting on the floor crouched in a corner. I heard shouts downstairs and the sharp voice of Father Ligos. Hippolyta’s wrist were bruised and it looked like she’d taken several strokes of his cane to her face. Hippolyta buried her face into the floor and began repeating a string of words.
“Repent. Repent. Repent. Repent.”
“Poly”, I cooed. Had he found the book? Surely this couldn’t be over books. My eyes scanned the room and I noticed Seraphina’s bed was empty.
I peered out the window and saw Father Ligos dragging Seraphina out the house by her hair. He screamed, railed and started speaking in tongues. Sera collapsed on her hands and knees. She attempted to crawl away but he forced her head into the concrete --his knees on her back. He was trying to scare the demon inside her. The thing that prevented her from uttering the words ‘I repent’.
It was hard to watch… but Father Ligos’ methods worked. He always got his demon, though there were times when I noticed the repenting always came after exhaustion. The other girls in the dorm were starting to stir.
I panicked and closed the blinds. I didn’t want them to see this. That’s the moment God spoke to me. It became so clear. This had to stop. This wasn’t Him. There was nothing God could do that should be shielded from his believers.
I ran downstairs to Anne’s quarters. She was gathering additional supplies to help Ligos. We’d all grown up learning how the church has excised demons in the old country. Poison, holy water, lettings, throttling…whatever got the job done. Sometimes (Anne told me) the demons won and killed the host.
“Anne.”
“Go upstairs”, Anne snapped as Father Ligos headed back in. He was breathing hard and trembling. His scalp was bleeding and his nose was crooked. Anne yelped in horror and began administering him aid.
“The demon is in there deep”, Ligos said his accent thick, “For your safety I wouldn’t let that one back in the house. She’s eighteen now. Our obligation is done.”
“No”, I shouted and the elders turned to me.
“She’s always been a wicked girl”, Anne said, “We should be glad to wash our hands of her and the demon in her. It’s all part of the work, sweet Aria. This house needs you and your light Aria. I’d be lost if that demon jumped to you.”
---
Leon convinced Sera to come back to school a week later. She refused to look at me. Hippolyta occasionally pulled her into hushed conversations in the hallway, but they usually got very tense. One day they got into a very loud argument in the middle homeroom and officially broke up.
“She’s living in the awful house on the hill with Helios.” Hippy said sitting in Sera’s vacant seat at lunch, “He’s a bad guy. I hate her Aria. I hate her.”
Hippy wiped away a tear and pretended to read her book. She’d gone through two bags of sour skittles already and I’d secretly brought her another bag for tonight. After a while of fake reading Hippolyta gave up and wept into my shoulder. Calliope and Thea came over to comfort her as well.
We all felt the loss in the house. Anne had instructed us to practice shunning with Sera. Usually we followed Anne’s rules loosely during school hours, but this time we didn’t. We shunned her. Sera had left us for Helios. If there was something evil in her, it was drawing her to him. We had to save ourselves
---
Sera’s bed had been next to mine--which meant her footlocker of personal belongings was too. One day Anne rolled the footlocker downstairs and tossed it in the Dumpster. When everyone was asleep I scurried down to the bin and rescued a few items. I heard the back gate open and expected to see Anne--but Hippy was there.
“Don’t forget that”, Hippolyta pointed to a Beanie Baby that had fallen on the ground.
I grabbed it and a deep silence followed.
“Hip”, I finally said, “What happened that night?”
She shook her head.
“Anne never goes in the basement. We were celebrating the team’s big win and she… caught us”, Hippolyta blinked away a few tears, “I was too scared to be embarrassed. I am so mad at Sera for not just repenting. All she had to do was say the words. She didn’t have to mean it. No one ever means it. It just makes the pain stop.”
Hippolyta put to words what I was already starting to suspect about Ligos’ punishments.
“The Order saved us, Hip. I just think God—“
“You still believe all of this? The Order? The Gospel and Spirits? You think there is a God who will reward us for living a life of faith we didn’t get to choose. The way Anne talks heaven will be just like this. More prayers, scripture and obedience. Is that what you want? ”
“It brings me peace. I mean our faith has brought us all this far. There is something comforting in the rituals, isn’t there?”
Hippolyta just…stares at me like she doesn’t know who I am. Then she walks back inside the house.
---
“Here”, I drop the bag of rescued items at Sera’s feet at the end of the school day. Since she’d been kicked out all she had to war was Leon’s clothes. I was little envious that she could wear colors. As much as gray, green and black were colors.
“Thanks.”
“Sera, if you just tell Father Ligos you repent, Anne will let you back in.”
She shook her head, “I’ll be okay.”
“Sera…you believe in The Order, right? Because Hippolyta has been saying things. She--“
“She said she’s agnostic. Like she’s doesn’t think we know for sure.”
“Are you like that? Is that why you didn’t repent?”
She considered this.
“I didn’t repent because I didn’t do anything wrong. I know Hippy and I’s
relationship wasn’t normal but --I just think there are worst things we could
have done.”
“Do you believe in The Order?”
“I think The Order is maybe old fashion? Last semester the team went to Coach’s church and it was beautiful. Coach’s wife has this sticker on her car. It said Faith and Joy. She said that’s what God meant to her. That’s what I want God to mean to me.”
“Sera. Take care of yourself.”
She hugged me. We would still see each other in school but I could feel a profound rift growing between us.
---
There were good things about The Order
It was a very specific Orthodox Christian-based religion that overlapped a little with an older religion based in Spirits. The Order had been prominent in our homeland for ages. We believe in prayer, rituals and self-reliance. Community and socialism are large tenants. Women are held up and considered harbingers of the teachings. Through the teachings women are The Spirits and God’s Angels. We are taught to exude kindness, patience and service. Men were the protectors and defenders of the teachings. My understanding is their fierce want for land and recognition lead to the genocide. Now we, the teachers, are the only ones that remain.
Helios and his crew hadn’t been raised to be observant, so I didn’t love it when Sera and Helios started dating. Hippy had me sneak out with her to 7-Eleven so she could she could cry and drink Slurpees over it. Hippy spent the entire summer in an absolute slump but changed her tune when she started chatting with a girl online.
When senior year started it was hard to believe our trio had ever been close. That winter Helios got her kicked off the wrestling team because he let some sexual pictures of her get spread around school. I begged her to come home but she refused. Apparently, whatever was happening in Helios’ house on the hill was much better than being with us
-4-
I don’t know how I got to be senior prom queen. At first I thought it was a joke. My modest beige taffeta dress was stretched tight over my full belly and wide hips as I hopped on stage. It had been the only thing at the Cinderella Closet store in Markville that fit. It was fringy with short sleeves and big sequins. It wasn’t ugly I just didn’t feel like I belonged in it.
To my shock Helios Thantos got called for prom king. I thought for sure Paris Prince had annoyed everyone into voting for him. I’d opened my mouth in surprise and Helios kissed me. His lips were soft and pleasant. I’d kissed Sera a few times to see what kissing was like, but I didn't like this. He jammed his tongue in which I think was supposed to be flattering.
I saw a shadow and realized Leon had leapt on stage. He awkwardly took my hand and led me off stage.He lead me to the exit where Sera was waiting in a well-fitting maroon suit that looked like it had barely survived the 70s. They both reeked of marijuana. I somehow ended up in the backseat of Leon’s car.
I started to get out the car but Sera settled into the back with me. She pushed aside the blankets, clothes, plastic bags littering the back seat. She seemed fully alert but half awake. Her eyes were glassy and I couldn’t tell if she could hear me.
“Is she okay?” I asked.
“High as fuck”, Leon said rubbing his red glazed eyes. He started the car and pulled out the parking lot.
“I can drive.” I offered
“I’m good”, he said, “I didn’t do too much shit—stuff”
“You can curse around me. I’m not a nun yet.”
“Yet?”
I nodded. I hadn’t vocalized it before but I always knew after graduation I’d become a nun with The Order. I wanted to make things better for us. I wanted The Order to become a part of the community we lived in.
I tried not to stare at my surroundings. The car was filthy. The front seat was piled with fast food bags, clothes and textbooks. It was clear they were living in the car.
Leon stopped the car a block away from The House.
“Thank you”, I said, “For the ride.”
“Yeah”, he half-said half-grunted, “Uh…congratulations and all.”
“Thanks. I’ll see you guys at graduation.”
Sera laughed suddenly.
“We’re not going to graduation”, Leon said, “A…guy I know has some harvesting work starting next week. Good money if you want to get in on it.”
“I’m actually doing some custodial work this summer. You and Sera are joining the Marines?”
“Yeah.”
I realized that might be the last time I see either of them. I reached over and hugged Seraphina.
“I love you, Sera.”
She snapped out of whatever haze she was in and hugged me back. Even though she was a year older she’d always felt like the little sister I didn’t always have time for. I was so afraid for her. This world was not meant to be kind to us.
“I love you too” she said then tightened her grip on me, “Come with us, Aria.”
“No I—“
“Aria. I’m scared. I don’t want to go alone.” She squeezed me tight like she had when we were brought across the ocean to a strange unknown country.
“You’ll be fine. You are so strong, Seraphina. I have to stay for the younger girls”
“If you don’t leave now…you’ll die in that House.” She says.
“I’ll rebuild it. I’ll make it better and I’ll welcome you back.”
I felt Sera go slack in my arms, she buried her face in my shoulder and cried. I held her tighter and let my own tears fall. None of us had ever gone off on our own before. She was entering uncharted waters.
“God and the Spirits are with you. You are never alone.”
That just made her cry harder and soon I was sobbing too. Leon sat stoically that while we prayed one last time together. I eventually had to get out the car. I gave Leon a final glance before heading to the empty lot to bury my clothes and tiara.
---
I saw Sera one more time eighteen months later. Her short time in the military had changed her physically but she was as aimless and reckless as ever. I only caught a glimpse of her. As quickly as she was in town, she vanished again.
I was sure I’d never see her again and any connection between us was lost.
Then Leon Argos showed up.
+5+
“Do you need your doctor?” I ask setting down a fresh applesauce
Leon swallows and I give him some water. I should have known it would be him. I’d see him in town on his white motorcycle the summer after graduation.
“Sera”, he manages
“What about her?” I ask.
He swallows again
“I came to find her. I got back from Iraq last week. Her platoon said she got discharged. I have no fucking idea where she is.”
I consider how much to say.
“She showed up here a few weeks ago. She and Hippolyta left together. Hippy couldn’t handle it and came back two weeks later. I didn’t even get to talk to her.”
“Fuck”, he grunts.
“I’m sure she’s fine.”
“I gotta find her”, Leon says and the way he says it makes me realize Hippy wasn’t the only one mesmerized by Sera’s new haircut and muscles.
“Leon she’s almost 21. She can handle herself.”
I say that knowing it isn’t entirely true. Sera was always very impulsive and impatient. She was little childlike and naïve at times--but it usually took a while for people to notice.
“You need to rest”, I advise like I’m a nurse, “When the doctors let you go I’ll help you find her. I promise.”
“Thanks…Aria.”
+++
I keep to my word.
Two weeks after being admitted Leon is finally released. I switch hospital shifts with Calliope so I can spend the day with him. I have no idea how to find Sera but I know the one person he should ask.
Leon’s eyes shift through the early morning fog as we enter Memory Park. It’s nearly 6am and he looks so alert. His steps are careful as we make our way to the pavilions. Behind the newest pavilion, facing the lake, Hippolyta is finishing up her sun yoga. She snuck out between 5am and 7am since Anne didn’t wake until 8:00am
Hippy takes in a deep breath, uncrosses her legs and opens her eyes. She smiles big when she sees Leon.
“Leon?” she pops up and zeroes in on his broad shoulders, “Wow! Look at you. What do they do to you in those boot camps?”
“You don’t want to know”, he says.
“Poly, Leon is trying to find Seraphina.”
Hippolyta’s face quirks a little
“I don’t know where she is. Ask Helios. Apparently she fucked him before coming to me.”
“Ain’t asking that bitch ass motherfucker shit”, Leon growls
Hippolyta turns swiftly, now fully intrigued.
“Say more”, Hippy goads.
“No. Where is Sera?” He demands.
Hippy deflates.
“I don’t know. After she brought me home we got into a big fight and she left. We were staying in this awful shelter outside of Morris County. Maybe she went back there.”
“I already checked the shelters.” He says.
“Then I don’t know”, Hippolyta takes in another deep breath. Her voice is serene when she speaks, “Sera didn’t care enough to let us know where she is ---so why should we care?”
“She’s our sister--”, I begin.
“Your sister”, Hippy says, “My stubborn twice ex-girlfriend. We manage Aria. We all manage. We find ways to not let the bastards grind us down. We find our little freedoms. Why can’t that be enough for Sera? She’d rather live in a filthy shelter than be here with us so fuck her. Quite frankly Leon, how can you be a member of a U.S death squad?”
“I get $1800 a month in my bank and my hospital bills covered so—“
“Do you even know what you’re doing in Iraq? It’s all lies—“
“Hippy”, I interrupt.
She shrugs.
“It’s almost 7. I should get back. You coming, A?”
“Not yet. Tell Anne I went to get the van cleaned.”
Hippy gives Leon a withering but sympathetic look, “Try not to die out there, Big Guy. Remember we are all people apart of a vast stream of life. Here, this will protect you.”
She pushes a white cloudy crystal into his hand. I roll my eyes. We’d cleaned a holistic health store last summer and Hippolyta had convinced the owner to give her overstock items. Leon awkwardly puts the crystal in his pocket.
“I get why Sera left.” Leons says as we walk out the park.
“We do find our ways to have our little freedom.” I repeat Hippy.
“You want to live the rest of your life like this?”
“I just know I want to be a nun.”
“....you’re only like twenty.”
I nod knowing he is a year older.
Sister Anne is in her early 50’s so it could be decades before I have control of the house. But I am so ready to start my journey. To officially start I’d have to be cloistered in the House for three years and begin intense study of the text.
“Where are you staying” I ask as we head back to the van.
“Motel…you know the one.”
I did. There was only one motel by the parkway. Leon is still sore so I help him carry his overnight bag upstairs. The motel owner had been kind and didn’t evict him while he was in the hospital.
“I know Sera is fine.” I start setting up his pain pills on the nightstand. I slip out a few and pocket them. Anne didn’t allow us to take medications and some girls have very painful cramps.
“I’m due back on base in 3 days. I need to find Sera but she’s not worth going AWOL over.”
“I’ll keep an eye out.” I offer.
He roots around in the nightstand for a pen and scribbles on a notepad, “Here’s my e-mail and the phone number for my unit. Tell me if you hear anything.”
“Are you scared”, I ask.
“Nah…not worse than it is back home.”
This peaks my interest.
“What was it like? Our home country”
“Bad. Everything was old and nasty. Poor as shit.”
I take it with a grain of salt. Leon had only lived on The Order’s last surviving commune. He probably didn’t get to see the fairytale like countryside or regal cities Anne talked about.
He starts to repack his bag and a big box of condoms falls onto my foot. I accidentally kick the box under the bed. He bends down to pick it up and winces.
“I’ll get it…them?”
I pick them up and try to casually put them back in his bag.
“Sorry”, he says blushing. It was silly to be embarrassed. It was just plastic or rubber or something. But he had such a big box.
“…can I have one?” I ask.
“Uh”, he scrambles, “Oh. Um. You know these are….”
“Not for me. In case one of my sister’s needs one. Some of them get rebellious when they sneak out.”
“They…have plenty at the gas station around the corner”, he says.
“The clerk at that station always calls Anne before we buy anything. He’s on such a power trip.”
Leon opens the box and I realize there is only one left. He hesitates before giving it to me.
“Sorry. I didn’t realize there was one.”
“It’s okay. The ladies keep a stash.”
“The ladies?” I start and then put two and two together. I try to hold in a laugh.
Leon flushes a bright pink.
“I mean…my friend who lives on the corner.”
“No”, I say, “I’m not laughing at you. It’s just Sister Anne berates us for wearing sinful colors meanwhile there is a brothel somewhere around town.”
“I like your laugh”, he says then quickly looks away, “Sorry.”
“Really ? Sister Anne says it’s too brash.”
I sit on the bed next to him. Leon seems so solid. He somehow manages to take up so much space and none at all. I am so drawn to the sound of his voice but I’m even more drawn to his body, if I’m being honest.
“Can you show me how it goes on? I mean I know there are directions but…I should know. In case one of my sisters isn’t sure.”
“What?”
“I’ve never used one. I’m curious is that weird?” I was curious but I was also…curious.
“Yes.”
“Why?” I ask.
“….I’d have to be…like…turned on.”
“So?” I respond quick and smoothly, “We all get turned on. Why is it something to be embarrassed about? ”
I realize I’ve probably spent too much time with sisters. We have a tendency to talk about anything and everything when are alone in the dorms. I’d felt turned on before but never really did anything about it. Not that it happened that often. Of course it was definitely happening right now and I was pushing it.
Leon’s face wasn’t traditionally attractive. His eyes were deep set, his nose to broad and his features were smushed together. He had a very prominent brow ridge and wide jaw. His short blond hair was also very unusual. The Order had very specific genetics. He was either an anomaly or had been trafficked into The Order from a bordering country.
He starts to unzip his pants and my legs clench together. I’d seen plenty of penises at the hospital for a variety of reasons. His was different. It seemed active. It was big and thickened the longer it was exposed to air. The flesh was engorged and standing to attention. I notice it leans a little to one side. He starts stroking it with his eyes clothes and my mouth went dry.
He took his hand away.
“Um, so…” He opens the condom with his teeth.
“Wait.”
“Shit”, Leon tries to tuck himself away.
“I’m”, I start not knowing what I want to say. Hippy said that we ‘find little freedoms’. That’s what I wanted, “I want to...”
He nods in understanding. I think we both want to fool around because what else is there to do in this town. I’d tried and failed to get this far when I flirted with the cute guys at White Castle.
Leon covers himself with a pillow and studies me. I’ve always been big but I put on even more weight since leaving high school. Anne had allowed me to wear feminine colors because it was hard finding white items in a size 20. The light pink and white chevron dress I’m wearing is one of my new favorites. I’d paired it with a white jean jacket that was several sized to small. Leon stands up and trails his eyes up my body. He’s taller than me which is rare for me at six feet.
“You want this?” he asks. It wasn’t sexy or romantic at all.
“Yes.” I try not to sound desperate, “But you can’t tell anyone.”
Not that he would want to tell anyone he did this with a fat girl. He grabs his duffel bag and pulls out a wad of folded bills restrained in a gold money clip. He slips out three crisp $100 dollar bills.
“…this is how much I usually pay…” he lets it trail off.
I laugh a little because I feel like I should be paying him. He sits back on the bed and I sit next to him
“It’s silly that we both think we’re so unworthy of …attention. Isn’t this more like a gift? Something you give.”
“I don’t know about that.” He says.
“You don’t have to pay me.”
“You need the money, don’t you?”
I’m sure Sera told him about the secret stash of cash we collectively built from our babysitting and odd jobs. All the money was supposed to go to the church but we found ways to skim a few dollars. Anne never tracked me. Sometimes I’d work entire shifts without her knowing and put it all in the stash. Once I was cloistered we would lose a so much extra income.
“I’ll take the money.” I slip off my jacket.
He nods.
I awkwardly lay down on the bed. Leon get on his knees in front of me and rucks the skirt up to my chest. I instinctively try to cover up but there is nothing I can do to hide the plentiful curves and rolls. I wanted to get under the covers but I had the feeling this would be over soon. I take off my underwear while he watches me.
He moves my knees a little farther apart and I’m flush with excitement and anticipation. He’s pulled himself back out and presses the head against my entrance. It is a little uncomfortable but I want him to keep going.. Instead he pulls out and puts his finger inside. I hadn’t expected that unprotected touch to feel so intimate, I slap his hand away.
“You really need money?” He asks grabbing a pillow and covering himself again.
“I don’t need it. But it helps.”
“You should go down route 56 to the general store. Talk to Mrs. Annette. You can get $3000.00 easy.”
“What? How?”
“You’re a virgin with a fucking cherry. Men with deeper pocket than me will pay good money to pop it.”
I feel dirty for a second. I wasn’t expecting him to say that so plainly. I don’t know what my expression is but he backpedals.
“Sorry. Shit. Sorry. Aria. Forget I said it. Sorry.”
I think on this. Money like that would go a long way. I could get a laptop. I’d seen someone hook one up to the library’s wireless internet. Hippy was always saying there were resources we could use on there.
“Okay.” I decide to leave feelings and emotions out of it. This didn’t have to be a big deal, “Will you take me there? I don’t want to go alone.”
Leon sits back on his knees and shakes his head, “Can’t get caught pimping out a girl.”
“But you can get caught seeing those girls?”
“It’s different.”
I really don’t see how
“Fine. You said it’s the general store on 56?” I can picture it. I sometimes stopped there on the way back from Morris County for gas and Diet coke. I guess now that I thought about only older women worked there. I had to do this. I couldn’t pass up money like this. It probably wasn’t going to be much work on my part.
“Oh gosh”, I say feeling heat behind my eyes, “I’m smart, Leon. I graduated third in our class. I’ve run the entire House when Anne is out, I handle all the church money. I’m ambitious. Why can’t those things be just as valuable? ”
That question seems to make him more uncomfortable than my body ever could.
“I should—“He starts.
“I don’t want this to be the most valuable thing about me.”
“You can have options in the real world”, he says, “This town ain’t nothing like the real America”.
“My sisters are here. So I need to be here. “
I can tell Leon doesn’t like talking. That was probably why he and Seraphina got along so well. I can feel all the effort and energy he is putting into his next words.
“What if I gave you $1500.” He offers,
“Okay,” That would make a huge difference. Not as good as $3000.00 but at least I could get it over with.
He looks at his watch, “Shit. I have to get back to base by eight. We have to hurry.”
“Okay.”
He pulls the money clip back out and counts out the bills. It’s a smooth practiced movement. He stacks the bills up and hands them to me to count. I’m too nervous and just pretend to count them.
“You’re a good girl, Aria. “, He says, “You don’t deserve this but life’s shitty like that.”
“I know”, I say a little annoyed.
“Can I do something?”
I nod because it was his money.
I lay back down and move my skirt up again. Leon sits back on his ankles and looks around the room. His eyes land on his bag. He reaches for it and take out his toiletry bag. He studies me like I’m a problem he has to fix. Leon fishes out his electric toothbrush. He changes the head and settles between my knees. He turn it on, finds my clit and gives me my first orgasm.
He uses me for sex immediately after. He’s way to big and only a little bit gentle. He has me lay on my belly but it’s still overwhelming. I bury my face in the pillow and try to make sense of the curiosity and pain when he pushes in. He pushes through the last bit of resistance and lets out a long string of curses while I try to manage the discomfort. My dress is practically over my head and he helps me pull it off. When I'm able to relax he starts fucking me. There is no other word the fast past single-minded act. It hurts, but at one point plants his hands on my hips and it sends a shiver through me. He groans and pushes in and out for what feels like forever. I feel a touch of shame and a lingering soreness when it’s all over.
Leon zips up and starts to repack his bag. I quickly collect the money and count it. I was okay with this. It felt like a fair exchange.
“Will you come back?” I ask.
“No. I’m not really welcome here. My motorcycle accident wasn’t an accident.”
“What?”
“Helios is still pissed with me for leaving. But …I know some American guys who will pay you if you want more money. You’re real tight--I'll tell them you’re still a virgin. ”
“Oh. No. I was just. I just wanted to tell you to be safe overseas.”
Truthfully I was glad he would leave with this secret and never come back
.
+6+
Easy On Me
“You’re pregnant?”
Sister Anne rises from her desk and Hippolyta puts a defense arm in front of me, “I can explain—“
“No”, Anne’s voice is harsh. She’s never used that tone with
me. She sits on the edge of her desk and contemplates, “Aria…I’m so
disappointed. This isn’t like you. Were you forced? I’m calling the police-”
“No. It was my fault—“
“No”, Anne says looking at her hands, “It was mine. I gave you too much freedom. I let you down.”
Anne cuts her eyes at Hippy. She was the first person I’d told and she’d refused to let me tell Anne alone.
“Will the sisterhood still be open to me?” I ask, “If not as a nun…maybe another role?”
Truthfully, I still want to serve as a nun. There is so much I feel called to do.
“We will work around this”, Anne says, “The Sisterhood needs you, Aria. I will make sure you can serve. But understand this. When you join the sisterhood your every action will be devoted to washing away this…unspeakable sin.”
“I understand”, I say still hopeful, “Will I be sent away.”
“No”, she eyes Hippolyta, “We need you here to work. The Sisterhood values acts of charity and sacrifice. We will simply tell everyone you are acting as a surrogate. When the times comes we will say the family passed away. If it’s a girl she can be raised as an orphan in this house. If it’s a boy…we’ll make other arrangements.”
I smile at the thought of at least being able to see my daughter grow-up. I don’t know why, but I know it is a girl.
“Thank you, Anne.”
“Not a word of this is to leave this room. Understood.”
We both nod.
“Off to work girls.”
I quickly get back to supervising the lunch service. Over the years we’d taken in a few lost babies with our shared lineage, but many of the younger girls now were American. They were being raise with the principals and teachings we held dear. The church also dutifully collected the checks the government provided.
After lunch service I stop by the dorm and sit on Seraphina’s old bed. Most of us older girls had been moved to the cramped basement dormitory. A new older teen sleeps in Sera’s bed now. Maybe one day my child would sleep in my old bed. My daughter would be homeschooled like I was, eventually go to middle school just like me. She’s walk these same halls and maybe join The Order like me.
I wonder if she will find her ‘ways’ like Hippy does. Or will she be rebellious like Sera. Or would she fall to Ligos’ punishments?
Or could she have a life of her own choosing? She could have a mother…and maybe a father. What if she could wear any color she wanted? What if she would never has to bury the things she loves or live in fear of rules she barely understood.
She could be anything.
I just had to make a choice.
+7+
That night I sneak out of bed a little after midnight. Before leaving I make a detour to Anne’s office. She’d entrusted me with her spare keys so I’m easily able to find my file. I take my immigration and pending naturalization case file. They barely fit in my tote bag. I’d stuffed the bag with everything I was taking ; two dresses, photos and $200.00 from our stash. I creep out the backdoor and see Hippolyta sitting cross legged starting at the full moon.
“Joining me?” she asks, “Midnight meditation might be good for the baby.”
“I’m leaving, Hip.”
“What could possibly be open-“
“I’m…leaving…leaving.”
She stands.
“Aria. No”
“I’ve got my papers from Sister Anne’s office. I can sneak back and get yours too.”
She shakes her head.
“It’s hideous out there Aria. You and this baby need to be here. You can’t go.”
“One of the nurses offered to drive me to Morris County. She got me a hotel room for two days. She said she knows a pastor who will help get me into a shelter. I’ve got to do this.”
“Those shelters are awful”, Hippolyta says, “I can’t let you go alone. I just…I don’t want to lose you too”,
“Then come –“
“I can’t. I belong here.", She says desperately grabbing my arm, "So do you and Seraphina. We belong here.”
I pull my arm free but her grasp isn't really that tight, “I hope I’ll see you again one day.”
Hippolyta forces a carefree smile. She know she can’t win this fight. I can’t make her leave. Leaving wasn’t a choice you could make for someone else. It wasn’t a choice Seraphina could have made for me in the car after prom.
Instead of goodbye I pull her close
+++
I spend half a day on the phone with the U.S Military trying to get connected to Leon’s barracks. He wasn’t overseas anymore and I had no idea where he was stateside.
“Lance Corporal Argos”, he finally answers.
“Leon this is Aria…Grigori.”
“Yeah”, he says.
“I…left The Order.”
“That’s good.”
“I’m…pregnant. It’s yours.”
There is a long silence. For a moment I think he is going to hang up.
“Where are you?”
“Morris County. Super 8 off the highway. I have to check out by tonight.”
“…I’m on my way.”
Ten hours later a noisy 1999 Camry pulls up. Two young men with crew cuts jump out the car to stretch. Leon awkwardly steps out the passenger seat.
“You…ready to go?” he asks instead of saying hello.
“I…I think so”, I say trying not to sound terrified. I’ve never gone farther than Poughkeepsie.
“Where is your stuff?”
I just hold my tote bag close to me, “This is it.”
Leon tells me we were going to North Carolina and I nod even though states still don’t mean much to me. The two guys who had driven Leon down, Ryan and Trent, were in his unit. They kept me entertained with raunchy stories and sing-along battles. Leon was stone quiet the entire time. He kept staring at my belly even though I wasn’t even showing.
I loved just looking out the window watching the scene and states pass. I perk up when I see the sign for Jacksonville, NC.
“We’re here”, Leon says.
We pull up outside of a hotel that looked like an apartment building.
“You live in a hotel?” I ask.
“No. I live on base…barracks.”
“Why are we here?”
“I got you a room for eight weeks—“
“Leon no. I can stay in a shelter.”
“I don’t pay for rent or foods so my money sits there.”
I smile a little because I know what he does splurge on. His motorcycle and sex.
He fumbles around in his pocket and hands me a Navy Federal debit card.
“You can use this. I don’t need it. I’m due overseas next week.”
“You just got back.” I remember.
“Volunteered for back-to-back.”
I take the debit card only because Hippy always said money was very important in the outside world.
Leon takes me upstairs and the room feels so foreign. I’ve never slept in a different bed before. I sit on the bed not realizing how exhausted I am.
“Leon”, I ask now that we are alone, “How did this happen? I thought we were safe.”
Leon takes a step back. I can see the outline of his chiseled body underneath his tight Marines t-shirt. I hadn’t seen much of his body before since he’d just pulled his pants down when we were together.
“I wasn’t careful with the condom. I thought it slipped a little--but I didn’t think this would happen. Sorry. I’m really sorry Aria.”
“Leon”, I start because I want to make things clear, “I want to have the baby. But I’m not keeping her. I only left because no matter what--she can’t grow up in that town.”
“I can take her.”, he mumbles.
“What?” I say not sure I heard that right.
“I’ve never”, he starts, “Had a family. No one’s ever loved me. I just want to know what it’s like…this might be my only chance. You don’t have to be involved if you don’t’ want to. I’ll never say a bad word about you. I swear.”
My heat clenches picturing Leon as a single father. Despite how harsh and unforgiving his past was…Leon strikes me a gentle giant. He seems to make good money in the military and based on all the stories I heard in the car, his unit seems like a supportive family.
“What happens when you are overseas”, I ask.
“Trent’s married”, he says, “His wife and mother will take care of her while I’m gone.”
I realize this would be a much easier and faster route to go. The baby would still have her father. Leon could help us reconnect when she’s an adult.
“Okay”, I agree.
It takes me three weeks to adjust to Jacksonville. Leon sends a parade of people over to take me out. I meet Ainsley, Trent’s wife, and Mrs. Palmer—his lieutenant’s wife. It was awkward because Leon didn’t tell them much about our situation so they assumed I was his girlfriend.
I open up a little to Ainsley and Mrs. Palmer. They are endlessly fascinated by my childhood and that I grew up in, what they called, a cult. They made ‘a cult’ sound like a bad word so I went to the library to look the mainstream definition. I felt a strange sense of unease about the whole thing.
My main escape from this uncertainty is the T.V
I love looking at the clothes and make-up actresses wore on sitcoms. I don’t get most of the jokes but I love getting a glimpse into make believe worlds. What really catches my attention is all the news channels. There is so much going on in the world and I want to know all of it. My favorite channels are the 24 hours new stations because of all the discussion and debate. The women looked like heroes in their blazers and blowouts as they battled wits with the men. I always wrote down my own opinion and waited eagerly to see if any of the panelist felt the same way. Sometimes I would get a little silly and give my opinion like I was on screen too. Like someone wanted to listen to what I had to say.
+++
I am deep into one of my CNN binges when a knock sounds from the front door. It takes me a while to get off the bed. Based on my own calculation I was seven months along and still trying to navigate my new body
Leon is on the other side with some of the bigger baby items I had on hold at the second-hand baby shop. He was on leave for five days and offered to run errands. I told him not to rush over to see me, but he came straight here from the airport. His dark jeans fit much tighter than the last time I saw him and his shirt is tight against muscles he hadn’t had last time.
“Thank you”, I say arranging the items, “I made a casserole I saw it on TV if you’re hungry. It’s semi-homemade. Did you know there is a channel that is just food?”
“Oh. I have plans.”
“Oh, can we come?” I ask teasingly and Leon blushes a little.
Then I noticed the clip of twenties stuffed into his pockets. They looked brand
new. Oh. I dropped the subject knowing that he only took money out like that
when he went to see women. What did I
expect? He only had a few days of leave.
“...Oh…uh…Sera finally called me.” Leon says.
A weight lifts off my shoulders.“Thank goodness... Is she coming here?”
“No. She’s in Massachusetts with…Paris Prince?”
“What? Paris are you sure? Not the younger Prince Brother.”
“Yeah. Last I heard the younger one is in prison for arson.”
“ Oh, dear.” An abandoned house had been burned down a few weeks before I left. Rumor was it was Hmjeu’s boys but I didn’t believe it.
Paris Prince had always made me nervous because of who his father was. We didn’t have the same hate our parents did for each other but we were raised to keep our distance. Paris had always seemed harmless, but that may have been because of his size.
We’d worked on a project once in 10th grade. We planned and executed the whole presentation in an hour. He talked non-stop the entire time. Afterward he scheduled a conference with the teacher because she gave us a 98 instead of a 100. We got the 100.
“Paris said he’d keep an eye out for her.”
“That doesn’t make any sense.” I say, “Sera knows who his father is. She should be here with us.”
Leon nods in agreement and paces the small room.
“Did you tell her about the baby?” I ask.
“No. I figured you’d want to.”
“I’m not ready yet”, I say honestly, “I don’t want her to worry. Maybe we can tell her when you get back from your tour. By then I’ll be on my way back to New York”
“Okay”, Leon agrees, “Give me six weeks.”
+8+
The last six weeks are the loneliest weeks of my pregnancy. Ainsley brought her friends over to check on me a few times a week. I was grateful but the more time I spent with them the more alien. Somehow I still crave the normalcy and structure of my old life. I keep my bags packed because I want to run back the minute I put the baby in Leon’s arms.
I don’t get the chance because Leon doesn’t make it home in time for the birth.
His tour gets six more weeks and I gave birth at a Birthing Center with a highly recommended doula. Leon had drained his savings to pay for it. The relaxing supportive environment made the entire traumatic experience feel like a ritual. It was much better than the cold sterile maternity floors I’d seen in the county hospital. My intuition was correct and I welcomed a baby girl.
With Leon still overseas, it became my job to keep the baby safe until he came back. I struggled sometimes to figure out what she needed but I was always able to eventually work it out. The baby’s feeding schedule was all over the place and she did not like the bottle. I tried every day to wean her, but I usually gave in because breastfeeding made her so content.
Taking care of the baby was easy, it was the side effects of birthing that made the early weeks difficult. I felt nauseous and uncomfortable all the time. Leon sent people over to but I didn’t let them in. My hair was a perpetual mess and I could only comfortably fit in two hideous oversized moo moos, both of which had stretched out necks from feedings.
Leon called every other day to check on us, but he wasn’t much of a talker. I almost preferred it when he didn’t call. When he called on the baby’s third week birthday I almost didn’t pick up.
“What now, Leon.” I say not caring how the tone came across. My hormones had been all over the place today
“It’s me.”
“Seraphina?” I sit up, “Sweetie, it’s so good to hear your voice.”
I’d called her ‘sweetie’ as a reflex. It was what I had been calling the baby. I didn’t think it was fair to name her without Leon.
“You too. I um…I was in St. Lilith’s yesterday. I talked Paris’ brothers. They told me you left town a few months ago with Leon. Rumor is you were pregnant. I asked Leon and he gave me this number. Is that… true?”
“Sera where are you?”
“I just got back into Boston.”
“Why are you talking to Himeju’a boys? And are you living with Paris Prince?”
“I had to talk to them”, Sera says, “Paris has like no memories of our childhood. The guys said he had some sort of breakdown?”
“He’s lucky...”
“Aria…did Leon get you pregnant? If he did I’ll kill him. He had no fucking right--”
“It wasn’t like
that.” I say.
“Did you want it? Tell me the truth because I will--“
“I did. I mean. He paid me for it. It was a transaction.”
“Fuck." Her curse comes out harsh, "I know how Leon is with the pussy he pays for. You don’t deserve that. Don’t let him near you again. I’m coming to get you. I just need to get some money together”
“It’s okay. I’m going back to The Order. There won’t be a next time.“
“There will be a next time. You are Leon’s type.” Sera says.
“You can’t see me right now. I’m a wreck.”
“Trust me. Big girls with long hair and huge tits. That’s his type. ”
I can’t tell if that makes things worse or better.
“Leon has been good to us. I don’t think he expects anything
else in return.”
Sera remains unconvinced, “Well. Just in case there is a next time you have to make sure he makes you come hard at least twice. You should have let me—
“Sera, we can’t talk about this.” I say blushing over the phone, “Why are you living with Paris Prince?”
“Because we’re married.”
“Why? Is this about your citizenship?”
I suddenly realize the baby in my arms, my little American girl, is my tie to this country. Having her could fast track the five year long path I’d been on to become a citizen. Hmjeu and his fancy lawyer had handled the process for some of his boys. Anne refused to even consider the notion.
“He’s …nice. I like him.” Sera says, “We hung out in for a little bit in school and I felt something. I keep feeling it.”
I feel energized for the first time in weeks.
“Wait. Are you in love with him?”
“He’s just so interesting, Aria. And really smart. He works so hard and has all these big plans. He’s sort of attractive in the right light.”
I thought on this. He did have those movie star cheekbones and great hair but he was so pale and wiry. He did have a nice voice and a really polished American accent like Hmjeu.
“What about his scars? They always kind of freaked me out.”
“Yeah, those are actually really creepy.”
We both burst out laughing and for the first time my postpartum body handles it with grace.
I don’t even know how to ask my next question. So I just say it
“…do you like guys now? I always thought being with Helios was because you needed a place to stay.”
Sera is quiet on the other end.
“Sera?”
“I don’t know.” She says.
“…Did you like sleeping with him?” I ask because I was bored and this was interesting.
“I like fucking men. Let’s just leave it at that.”
I am more than happy to not have to think about that.
“Sera, isn’t he like five feet tall?”
Sera laughs again. I so rarely heard it growing up. It was so beautiful I almost cry.
“I miss you”, Sera says, “I’m sorry Leon did this to you. He is so pissed at me. Called me out for being a fuck-up and always running to a man to save me. “
“…well duh.”
“What?” Sera’s voice is a whisper.
Sera clearly hadn’t realized Leon was in love with her. Leon wasn’t pissed that he’d run to man to save her. He was pissed she didn’t run to him.
“Never mind. Why are you whispering?”
“I just got into the apartment. Paris is asleep. ”
I shift uncomfortably. Sera coming home to a husband was not something I could get used to. I couldn’t picture Sera being with someone who wasn’t Hippolyta.
“I’ll let you go, Sera.”
“Don’t give the baby to Leon. He’s nice but he is not father material. If he dies overseas she’ll be put in the system. You won’t be able to help if you’re cloistered. You can still do adoption. You can make some rich couple really happy.”
I run a hand over the baby’s soft down.
“Can I tell you a secret? I don’t know if I can leave her. It’s only been three weeks but I know her in a way no one else could ever.
“Don’t fuck up your kid’s life like our parents did. Not giving her a normal happy family is selfish”, Sera’s voice rises and I hear someone call to her.
“I love her”, I say into the receiver, “Sera this is such a strange love. I am scared, tired and in so much pain—but every time she cries I get up. I’d do that for the rest of my life. I can’t leave her.”
“I gotta go.”
“Sera…”
“Bye, Aria”
She hangs up before I can stop her.