But first. . . . a Lost Angels Series, Spirits, Spirits and Angels Recap
Lost Angels Series
“You really don’t look like one”, Brad repeated taking one earbud out of her ear. “Is your mom a crack addict, or something ?”
. . .Sofia made a daring escape by moving to the front of the bus while it was still in motion and wondered if she had a sign on her back that said “ I’M A FOSTER KID”. She also wondered if in small print it should explain that she wasn’t one of those foster kids.
Anneleigh and Sofia Madagin had been a mother daughter team against the world. Until the world pushed back and Anneleigh Madagin left her daughter's side forever. At 14 Sofia was placed in foster care, She was taken in by the gracious business woman Angeline Duval and her daughter Serverine in Petal Brooke, NC
+++
The sky was dark that day, another firecracker went off and Brad turned his head and a trail of blood ran from his mouth
Suddenly whizz-bang became BANG BANG. Her instincts kicked in and she scrambled from her spot infront of the fire. The faster she moved the slower time became.
Whizz Bang
Bang
Bang
+++
Dr. LaRue’s face grew sullen and she signaled for someone to bring her a chair
“Sofia, you were shot.”
Sofia’s body reacted with fear, even though it had happened or was happening to her she still couldn’t focus. Her eyes filled with tears and she had no idea why, she was alive after all.
“Now, Sofia”, Dr. LaRue continued, “I know this may seem terrifying but you are a very lucky girl”.
Sofia tried to climb out of bed but the wires and tubes kept her in, just like her mother. She tried to stretch out more but pain hit her.
I’m trapped, she thought, I’m trapped
+++
For six months Sofia had been out of the hospital, she had barley managed to graduate from high school, she was on her way downtown when the The bus hit a speed bump and she tripped of her own feet. He nails scratched and slid off the pole. She felt her leg twist at an odd angle and the cold sound of her head hitting the sticky floor.
+++
Everything felt numb, her face was heavy and hard to move and she couldn’t feel her broken leg.... or her other leg. She listened patiently as LaRue told her that she would have to undergo Stroke Rehabilitation to be able to speak or walk again
+++
“Don’t be scared, Angel”, Allen said
He didn’t say anything else and she didn’t cry.
The next morning when Nurse Golden walked in singing she cried.
+++
What are you doing ?”, Sofia asked
He pointed to the pile of trash bags by the door.
“I lost my cross”, he explained touching his neck, “I wash dishes at Cups & Saucers. . .you’re Cesar salad and diet coke”
+++
Sofia decided to stop by Petal Brook’s best kept secret for lunch for a change. It was a chain of connivance stores that was known for its odd look alike to 7-11, it was called Chips. And they were famous for their fully stocked Wall O’ Chips.
She decided to go for sun roasted tomatoes and garlic crisps and an large diet coke.
“No salads today?” asked the cashier
“Tomas?”
+++
“Immigration?”
"My mother and I aren't exaclty here legally. . .I don’t want to leave”
“I can’t pay off the legal system you know”
“I know”, he said reaching over to take a cold medicine bottle from sleeping mother, “but they say if I have someone to support, I can stay.”
He reached for her hand and pulled her closer, spotting the cross around her neck.
re you asking me to marry you?”
+++
Angeline did not take the news well either, but by the time they got to the hospital Tomas and Rose Alexander were gone and so was a shelf of OxyContin.
+++
Her nails scratched the metal poles as she tripped over the step, she braced herself for the icy sidewalk but she never made contact..
“This time I caught you”
+++
Tomas’s worked late hours as a bar back which usually had him sleeping in alley ways till his mother came to get him or more often till the 6 am bus started, but as the weather got colder sometimes if the house was quiet Sofia would let him stay with her.
“I want to do more than kiss you”, he confessed looking through some of her nursing books.
Sofia trusted and maybe even loved him but a part of her still wasn’t ready to be completely honest.
“I’m afraid”, she said and that was as honest as she could be.
He traced her lips with his finger, taking the red lipstick off her lips.
“Are you a virgin?”, he asked, “Is that why you’re scared ?”
She didn’t know the answer to the question, just because it wasn’t consensual didn’t mean it didn’t happen. She couldn’t imagine being with him would be any different.
“I’m not”, she finally decided, “there was this person--”
She never thought she would tell this story let alone how to form the words She didn’t say anything else but he tears couldn’t stop flowing and she wanted to tell him more and she wanted Tomas to kill Allen and save her from her nightmares.
“Just a person ?”, he asked
“He was supposed to be a nurse or something. . . I couldn’t move or speak … I didn’t like it I didn't want to. ., it hurt so much”, she managed, “I couldn’t scream. . .”
She became silent and he pulled her into a tight embrace.
Neither one of them was able to sleep after that confession. It seemed another elephant had creeped into the room.
“Sofia”, he said breaking the silence, “I won’t ever hurt you, I love you”
+++
Free Spirits
When you get out, everything is different.
Even though it had only been six months, he felt like the world had moved on and he was running to catch up.
+++
He opened his eyes and smiled at her. It was an uncomfortable smile an almost wicked one. She stumbled out of the bathroom and didn’t have to look long to find what she was looking for underneath the sketches; A pile of used needles sitting on the kitchen table next to the salt and pepper.
+++
“We kissed”
“what ?”
“I kissed—we—Severine and I”
+++
There are a lot of things we shouldn’t do
The vein in my wrist seemed to be throbbing from the anticipation. After all
how many wrong things had I done in my life ? My mother would have encouraged
new experiences. I couldn’t hold on to being that 14 year old girl who clung to
the idea of a family for so long.
I bit my lip lightly as the needle pierced my skin, expecting to see blood I pushed the syringe down. The thrill of it alone caused an unexpected high. It hadn’t made the thought of my sister kissing my husband any better but I would give it time. A warm flush went through my body, this I could handle
Maybe time was all I needed.
+++
“Stop it”, Sofia said trying to push me away. Her skin was flushed but somehow I wanted to hear more regret, “ I have just as much right as you do, don’t I ?”
“Sof-“
“No you listen… I’m. . .making a descion for myself. Everything in my life has been a punishment; losing my mother, getting hurt, being raped, God, I was flunking college before I had to drop out. . . this is good. . .this makes. . .made. . .is making me feel good.”
I let her hands go wondering if she’d be the same person in the morning. For now I Settled at not looking at her. She reached her arms around my neck the smell of pure white ectsay on her
+++
Her kisses where like sweet currency. For a second I felt like her drug dealer a bond much stronger than marriage.
+++
shoot up or shut up
My body relaxes and the last empty patch of wall is calling to me. I decide to start a portrait of Sofia. A strange thought enters my head, regarding my one an only. What if I wasn’t here when she got back? She’d be too afraid to buy off the street; I could force her into quitting. I thought about it first and drew wings on her portrait.
I stuck a cigarette between my lips and light it with my lighter. What if I could quit? Of course I’d been at it for almost 10 years. That wasn’t an excuse
This piece of art only needed one more improvement one thing to finish it off. With my lighter still in hand I let the flame lick at her neck, as I yearned to do with my tongue. The flame gently tapped the curtain and before I could react it engulfed it. I ran to turn the water on but it dripped slowly.
I was momentarily paralyzed watching the flames jump from the curtain to the wall burning away my 3 days work. I heard the sirens outside and threw my stash in my pocket and car keys just incase. Half way to the last step I heard a glass breaking and watched as the third floor engulfed into flames.
+++
That was how I ended up in New York
++++
“I just know what it’s like to be you, baby”, Terry said handing me a can of cheap beer.
“I seriously doubt it”
“You’re running from something, I get that, we just happen to be the lucky ones who look good while doing so”
+++
“Thought you were clean”, says Terry cleaning up after my latest bender
“Was”, I said almost out of context
Grad Student has lit some incense and they add to the somewhat hazy effect. I stare blindly at the two checks I still have to cash.
“You know Eric and I joke that we’re functional drunks”
I blank on who Eric is but I’m sure he’s Grad Student.
++++
“Is he going to be okay ?”
The med student looks at Terry and feels his face and looks at me not saying anything
“it looks like an overdose”, she says pushing up his shirt sleeve.
“Fuck”, I reach to fell his pulse but I don’t know where to search. I press my ear to his heart nothing. I hate crying but I can’t stop the water from falling. I mean how many nice people do we really meet in this world? I wan to say a prayer or something but all that comes out is more curses.
“Were you close?”, she asks
“No”, it’s like a realization, Terry made friends with anyone had I ever lent a piece of myself to him, “We were friends”
“Are you going to be okay?” she asks holding my hand. She’s sweet with clear blue eyes and long red curls, cute almost.
“No”
It’s not going to get me there any faster but I start running, the farther away I get from the ambulance the faster I go.
I need to go home
+++
I could go to college, get a dorm roommate rush a sorority pretend to be normal, no, maybe join the military, no, I could travel with Angeline footing the bill. I was literally like the open books I had been reading. It’s not like I waiting for someone.
+++
“What have you been up to Sofia”, I said accusingly, that was my plan blame her, make it seems like it was her fault.
I grabbed her roughly by the shoulders and pressed her into the wall leaning in close to her ear, I want to say something inspiring or romantic but all that comes out is a long, passionate and ultimately possessive kiss.
++++
“You only bought one bag with you, you’re not staying”, she says
“No”, I realize I’m still clutching the carry-on
She opens the drawers on her dresser and takes out my silver cross; her wedding band is also hanging on the chain.
“I’m not coming with you”
I take the necklace and toss it out of her hands and drop my bag and began kissing her, for the first time it what seems like forever she kisses me back. With each kiss I remove a button from her blouse and push it off her shoulders, she doesn’t protest, but I just want to see her tattoo.
Her skin feels warm next to my cold hands. Once her blouse is open and I realize she’s not wearing a bra I trail my tounge down her neck to the tattoo on her stomach. She pulls me back up to her mouth.
I had never been so confused in my entire fucking life.
Her fingernails scratch my back as she removes my shirt. The feeling of her bare skin against mine is sensation I wouldn’t forget, it’s my new addiction and I want more. I take off a unfamiliar bracelet she's wearing and all her jewelry including A silver comb hold her hair in place, her soft hair flows around my hand.
We both fall onto her unmade bed, I break our kiss and watch her remove the rest of our clothes, slowly, meticulous and unsure. She’s lying inches away from me, her bare body partially covered by the organza sheets. I want to reach out to her, touch her make love to her, she’s so beautiful
“I’m okay”, she assures me. Oh, how I’ve blinded he
“Do love me?” I ask her
“. . . Do you love me”
Looking into her eyes never feels awkward, but at the same time feel alone
“I’ve just never heard you say it. . . I wish you had more time. . .”, I let my words trail off
“I don’t understand”, she looks so vulnerable, scared and it’s all because of me
“Sofie”, I hear my voice crack but continue, “I don’t want to leave you alone, I don’t want you to be alone . . . again”, for a second I think I can keep it together but the tears start to fall.”
“Tomas, you’re scaring me”
“Sofie. . . I have AIDS. . . I’m going to die. . .I’m sorry”
Spirits and Angels
After weeks of living on my friend’s couches and me getting my shit together, we found the perfect (reasonably priced) one bedroom loft in Williamsburg.
+++
I don’t want to fall apart”, she starts, “I know things are going to get hard.
. . so we have to have rules.”
She’s trying to control things again, give everything a label and make sure they fit neatly into them, I can play along but this is all going to fall apart
+++
I had decided to stop by Starbucks and grab a tea before walking to the MoMa. . .when someone knocked into me. I resisted the urge to curse as the dark and hot tea stained my chiffon blouse.
“I am so sorry”, there was an accent I wasn’t used to.
“Hi, I’m Adam”
+++
Tomas placed small kisses down my neck again and looks me right in the eye, the scent of cigarettes, rosewater and amber are overwhelming. I hadn’t even notice we were in the bedroom.
“You’re on something aren’t you?”
“Honestly”, I pulled him down closer if that was even possible, “I don’t think I could do this any other way, please don’t say no”
+++
“Look Adam, I told you I’m mar-
“As friends, you seem like you could use more friends.”
+++
“Sofia, It’s a tattoo convention. It’s in Vilinus and I swear this isn’t just about work. I haven’t see my family in 5 years and this could be my only chance. One of my clients offered me and Kasey tickets if we could get there, you and I may have to make some sacrifices to make ends meet,
+++
I turn around and see Adam sitting at the fountain. Looking back at the dressing room I quietly sneak away, without Severine noticing.
“I’m here to rescue you”, he says
“And what makes you think I need rescuing?”
++++
“I can’t just abandon him because we don’t get along, I’m the only family he has here…”
“And the drugs ?”
“I can’t expect to understand everything he does”, is all I can say.
“I don’t want to be the guy to ask you to leave your husband”
+++
I woke up the next morning in Adam’s apartment, more specifically in his bed the warm sweet scent hits me before I even open my eyes. I feel like my head is in the clouds and remember small bits from last night Adam signing an over-emotional yet touching song, Julia sans Robert doing her fainting fan act.
More Music
More dancing
More drinks
I roll over to check the time but my view is blocked by Adam sleeping next to me. Then I remembered something else.
I had kissed him, it wasn’t pretty. there was no rolling sea shore or starry night it was me and him pressed up against the wall of his apartment touching, kissing caressing every part of him not covered by clothesand I remember loving every minute of it, truly letting go.
“Sofia?”, I wonder if he knows I’m there
“Yes”, I don’t recognize my own voice
“I swear I’m not drunk but if you walk out that door”, he points at the closet, “ I will follow you”
I don’t have to be told twice.
+++
Tomas came home today. This morning actually”, I use the bagels as a peace offering.
He continues to fight with the printer but I know he is wrestling with something else, hell, we were fighting this together.
“I guess you should go then”, he says.
“I don’t want it to be this way”
“I’ve seen enough of my mates get married including my brother. I know how it
is you made promises we both knew it would end like this.”
The end. I hated the end.
+++
I dressed myself in the suit I had planned to wear to church the next day and while standing on a chair with tied a scarf securely around my neck and to one of the beams in the room. I kicked the chair from under me and they say that there is a moment when every person who commits suicide regrets it, I didn’t have the moment but I guess God has his own pla.
The beam snapped and I landed face first on the cold hard ground gasping for breathe. I picked myself up, cleaned my bloody nose and called Sofia and told her I was staying a few extra days while buying a plane ticket back to New York.
++++
I want to be admitted to the psych ward”, I told her simply
She starts writing a little faster. Dr. Lane has been my doctor since the beginning; she didn’t judge me when I told her that a friend (ie drug dealer) told me I should get tested. Even though I hated everything about what I was yet she made it a little easier. She was a little more than a doctor.
“Does your wife know about this ?”
“No"
I don’t think Dr. Lane liked Sofia very much, Sofia was always doing her job for her by telling me which medicines to take and how to take care of myself. I hardly listened to both of them.
+++
“I went to see your husband”
“Adam. How could you?”
“We didn’t say much to each other, I was just curious. He’s not the friendliest, I think he was getting high.”
I didn’t like this. I felt like he was coming into my life and making me see it as it really was. If getting high helped Tomas deal I could at least pretend to ignore it.
“Look Adam, he’s been on drugs most of his life I can’t expect him to just quit in one day. It’s just apart of who he it’s like you and your music”
“That is not the same, Sof”
+++
Adam finally lets me out of the driver’s seat and expertly parallel parks by the docks. I follow him towards the dock realizing that maybe New Jersey isn’t so bad.
“You have to come all the way to Jersey just to get a proper view of the New York skyline”
I nod my head in agreement; Manhattan looks like it’s only a stone’s throw away.
“Like the car?” he asks tossing a pebble into the river.
“Yeah, you’ve been holding out”
“Not really I just got it. An advance from the job I took a with AEG”
I thought about the money conversation he had been having at the club that day.
“AEG?”
“It’s an entertainment group, It’s corporate but I figure it will get my foot in the door. Meet the right people in the industry. . . see what comes of it.”
++
“So this AEG job, it’s in London”
+++
I climb into bed next to Tomas, letting his head rest on my chest. Breathing should never be this hard. Nothing should be this hard
+++
Dear God, Make death as hard as you can on me, but please make it easier on her. I can see it now, playing out just the way I wanted
++++
Just days after coming back from Lithuania I had seen those disgusting white spots in my mouth. The last place I wanted to be was in the hospital spending thousands of dollars on more medications I didn’t want.
I had a plan.
Let the pneumonia (PCP or whatever the shit was called) go untreated and make people think I was wasting. It was, to me, a win win situation. Make it seem like the disease claimed me while orchestrating my own suicide on my terms.
+++
“You know what always amazes me about partners of AIDS patients?” Dr. Lane brings her chair closer, “They always think they know more than doctors, and sometimes they do.”
+++
Tomas folds his fingers with mine and slowly slips his hand away slowly taking my wedding ring with it.
“What---No. . .”
“Sofi-“
“You can’t do this”
“I. . . want to get our marriage annulled. . .”
+++
“She’s pregnant”
+++
“I cheated on you”
+++
I’m starting at Carolina Baptist in the fall…I’m going back to North Carolina to complete the adoption.
+++
“Did you find out the sex ?”, asked Mrs. Winston
“Oh, no I didn’t ask”, they smiled at my forgetfulness, “I, um,should . . .let you know that I’ve been diagnosed with . . . bi-polar disorder.”
They looked confused and exchanged looks.
“It’s genetic isn’t it”, said Mr. Winston matter-of-factly
“My mother has it--”
“Does the father have it ?”, Mrs. Winston sounded upset, urgent
“I don’t know”
“That's like manic depression, isn’t it”, she turned to her husband.
I hadn't heard that term.
“No, it’s fine”, I assured her,
“I just don’t know”, she whispered.
“There’s nothing to ‘know’, you may have to buy a few pills that’s all.”
“I know dear”, she said to me, “ I just. . . I just don’t want to raise a serial killer”, she seemed to regret it the minute she said it.
“What?”
“Sofia”, Rev. Glass interjected, “The Winstons are from a different understanding of mental illness’
“It’s not just that”, Mrs. Winston defended herself, “I mean we are teachers, I know how hard it can be I just want to be sure—‘
“Sure ?”, I had been quiet to long, “I’ve never killed anyone, my mother never killed anyone. I bet if people would have looked past my moms illness she could have been apart of a happy family and maybe she would still be alive—“
“And you wouldn’t”, finished Mrs. Winston, “ I’m 43, I’m just afrai-“
“Don’t be, Listen I was a wreck when my foster mom took me in. She put up with every crazy-hurtful thing I did. You can do that to, Kay”
Mrs. Winston turned and cried into her husbands shoulder, his eyes were glassy.
I realized my last comment didn’t help.
“Sofia”, said Mr. Winston, “We just don’t want to wake up to find our child doing drugs or running away, things like this tear familes apart. . . you have to understand.”
“What’s happening ?”, I asked Rev. Glass
“Well, Sofia”, Rev. Glass said, “I think the Winstons are concerned about adopting a mental ill child”
“Please, listen to me”, I begged them, “I’m sure when you hold your baby you won’t even notice, he or she will look just a normal and happy as another child, please. Don’t you want to be a family.”
They couldn’t even look at me.
+++
Picking up my cell phone I carefully dial. It wnt straight to voice mail so I called again and again till it picked up.
“Hello ?”
“Hi, Tomas.”
“Sof—“
“I just really need to be with my family, I can’t do this. Will you please come and get me.”
“What—“
“Monday afternoon, exit 17B”
I hung up before he could respond.
+++
“I swear Sofie, I’m not going to leave you, we’ll do this together.”
+++
The nurse looks upset but was still professional, she looks concerned.
“Do you want to hold him ?”, she asks setting down her clipboard.
“I—I’m not. . . can I ?”
“For a few seconds, incase--”
“Incase what ?”
“He was born 6 weeks early; we just have to monitor the situation.”
She carefully takes the top off the little incubator and removes all these little wires and IVs that should only ever be on adults. She looks at me somberly because she can’t take out the breathing tube. He’s tiny, looks to small and weak to be in the world alone.
His skin was clear and splotchy; the nurse explains the bruises on his arms are from the doctors poking him with a needle.
“He is very fragile”, she says, "He has a fragile heart"
+++
“Someone will want him, right?”, she looks to me, I’d never seen her smile like that.
“Yes, you’ve been in foster care you kno--”
“I want him”, she finally confesses, “Even if he’s sick. There’s something wrong with everyone in this family.”
“Okay”, I said kissing her, “Okay”
I promised God I’d be a better man and I decided to start today.
Okay, Guys that’s the end of Chapter 15. From now on that is the OFFICAL end of S&A plus the Epilogue. There is just one teeny-tiny part from Chapter 16 that will be background in this serial but playa bigger role in the sequel to Goodwill but this is one of the only “cannon” scenes from Chapter 16. But look things involving Terry and Adam will be in the Godwill sequel. I promise!! But here is a refresher.
“You could have told me.”
“There’s nothing to tell, Adam.”
“Are you serious ?'
“What are you doing here ?”, I started looking for a warm place to hide.
“Dashboard Confessional”, is all he says, I wait for an explanation, “An account I’m working at the Nokia Theatre.”
He appeared timeless, like his new job hadn’t worn on him. He still had the Rolex an infectious smile across his face.
“What else did Severine tell you?”
“I just wish you would have told me you were pregnant” He said, “I would have help—“
“Why does everyone think I need help ?”,
“Do you?”
I didn’t answer, everyone looked like they needed help compared to him in a tailored coat, expensive shoes and Armani scarf
“Did you even miss me ?”, he asked and followed me into an empty smoothie shop.
I thought about it, “Yes, of course I mean we were. . . you know”
“Do you even still have that TravelCard ?”
“Yeah”, I thought about that little space in my wallet.
“I want you to know I’m willing to start over. ... with the both of you. ”
I sighed at his absurdity and looked out window.
“I’m serious”, he continues, "I’m almost 26 years old, I can afford to share my life. Imagine a big house, big yard just minutes away from Paris.”
I closed my eyes and thought about my dreams, about the girl I wanted to be, I could be.
“That’s not fair”, I said trying not to smile, “You come here with you charming accents, money and. . .”
“And what? I can’t tell you how many times I thought I caught a glimpse of you at National Gallery or Trafalgar square,”
I couldn’t answer, even if I knew the answer I don’t know if I could have put it into words. The truth was I was developing new priorities in my life.
“Listen, I’m only here for 2 days, I have two tickets reserved for Heathrow. If going to North Carolina didn’t make you happy. . . well, at least let me try.”
He slipped on his gloves
“You’re leaving”, I finally found my voice.
“Right now, that is completely up to you.”
I reached up to stop when he kissed me, once again I found myself melting underneath him and all to quickly it was over.
+++
Okay, here is the epilogue to SA that takes place AFTER The Goodwill of Sofia Madigan. It has been reworked to fix the dates. I cannot figure out how to delete that little photograph but it should say November 2009 !
November 2009
“Careful”, I semi-scolded
Elijah he had currently preoccupied himself with grabbing at the grass.
I think maybe he was too young to understand and I was a thankful for that. The grave maker was from impressive but it said everything that it needed too. I didn’t bring flowers; the grave was still too fresh for flowers.
“Say good-bye”, I coached him, wiping away my own silent tears. Once I felt prepared we left the cemetery. We took the train back into the city. He was unusually quiet as I stopped by school to fill out my graduation forms. I opted to take the more accessible bus to Central Park, Elijah liked to look out the window and it was a pretty nice day. After finding a good spot on the in the park, I held his hands and helped him walk the best I could.
Looking up I could see someone approaching us.
She smiled her usual smile. She takes Elijah’s hands as I resituate myself in the wheel chair.
“Ready to get your GED”, she asks
“I think so”, I say tugging on her pink scrubs,
“I buried Rose today . . . her grave is beautiful. I wish I could afford to send her home.”
“I’m sorry, Tomas”, she reaches over and gives me a one armed hug, I slowly trace the visible ink covering her forearm. I’m permanently apart of her.
“I’m okay”, I say pushing myself out of the wheel chair and into the grass. Although I’m sure she wonders if it has scared me from getting high again.
It has.
For now.
She pulls Elijah into her lap and settles next to me resting her head on my shoulder, tired from a 12 hour shift at the hospital.
I can see the rest of my night playing out for me; taking the 32 train to Astoria, listening to the radio and watching the baby while painting till I lose track of time, then dragging myself into bed with my wife, maybe whispering a silent prayer and hoping I see tomorrow.
+++
I can see the rest of my night playing out for me; taking a short nap on the 32 train, paying bills, making dinner and talking to Severine untill I fall asleep with my Eiffel tower necklace close to my heart.
+++
“Thank you, for choosing me”
She doesn’t acknowledge my words but lets out a sigh.
“Did I ever tell you about the time I saw this girl on a bus?” I ask kissing her.
“Tell me”
“You have to help me”
“Okay”
