+1+
Tomas
I pawned my digital camera.
It was a saving grace that Judson had packed it when he threw me out. I spent the morning putting all the images from the SD card on the computer in the living room Veronica used for her Sims. It’s mostly pictures from Venus’ shop and the tattoos I worked on. I do spend more time than I should looking at the images of Sofia and Elijah at the playground from earlier this summer. They aren’t good pictures, not even close, but it was all I’d have when Sofia left.
Veronica had gone shopping so I was on my own for transportation. It had taken me two hours to get the Premier Plaza where the best pawn shop in town was, I got $85 for the camera which I knew was generous since I’d bought it used. I bought some water from the convenience store on the other end of the plaza—filled out a job application—then I just sat in the shade cause I had nothing else to do. I wasn’t in a rush to sit in the house all day with Donna.
I still needed to wear one fentanyl patch to stay upright and curb the cravings. It worked for a few hours but it was hard being so close to Donna and her supply and not give in a little to temptation. Someone yells at me about loitering in the strip mall, but I pretended not hear. I call Sofia and she still doesn’t answer. I was running out of minutes on my phone so I’d gone from calling her five times a day to one. Sometimes Judson or the girls will pick up but she never talks to me. I’d fucked up and that was it. When I thought about it I realized we’d only been together for three mostly good years. In retrospect…it was nothing at all.
If I were to give in to the nature of this place I’d warm up to Veronica. Start buying her little gifts or cheap thrills. I’d laugh at everything she said and take her side in fights with her mom. I’d start fucking her and I’d become the quintessential Riverside deadbeat boyfriend who at least had a place to stay.
Maybe if Sofia clawed her way out she could get back to New York in the fall. Then I could start talking to Judson again, go back to the shop, get clean…maybe try getting hired at that tattoo parlor on the Riverfront. The two years I spent in the city would just become a small distant part of my life, a break from who I really was.
I’d run from this place two and half years ago and left Sofia to clean up the mess. I never properly let it go and now it had a fucking hold on me.
I filled out a few more job applications on my way back to Veronica’s, I probably shouldn’t have gone job hunting with the shakes but I couldn’t waste another day.
I don’t have a key so when I get back to the house I knock on the door, while waiting outside I notice where the bars on the windows have been filed at. I can’t believe someone thought there was anything worth stealing except tacky lamps. An older blonde woman I don’t know opens the door and eyes me as I come in. There are Rainbow and Peebles bags all over the floor and Veronica is showing off her purchases to her Mom and the woman.
“I miss being that tiny”, the blonde woman says adjusting her curly clip-in ponytail, she has one of those real North Carolina drawls and I notice she is in a pair of Minnie Mouse scrubs. The blonde woman watches with a distant gaze as Veronica twirls around in the tight red dress she is wearing, the dress looks a little cheap but she looks good in it, her furry leopard print flip flops put me in a good mood for some reason, where the hell did she find this stuff ? Veronica dashes off to change again.
“Shut the damn front door”, Donna says which I guess is her way of introducing me. The woman in scrubs barley acknowledges me, she is probably used to the rotating door of men that hang around Veronica and Donna. The woman has a big glitzy cross on her neck and probably thinks Veronica and I are living in sin. As far as my life was concerned I was always living in sin.
When I close the door I notice the tall angular man standing shyly in the corner holding a garbage bag. The woman in the Minnie Mouse scrubs is disassembling what I recognize is a catheter bag and tosses it in the trash bag the man is holding. She takes off her gloves and put them in the garbage bag too.
“Take that to the trash out to back, baby”, the woman in scrubs says to the man. He moves slowly and gracefully out the back door.
“He doing okay Loretta?” Donna asks holding up a pink tie-dye shirt with gemstones Veronica must have bought for her. Donna gives me a ‘shut your mouth’ look but I’m too much in shock to move.
“Allen’s glad to be home.” Loretta Fenton says, “Bail money wasn’t cheap, but it was worth every penny to see my baby in his bed every night for as long as I can…”
I tightening my hands into fist at the confirmation at what I’d already suspected. Lorretta Fenton. This was Allen Fenton’s mother. Which meant that man was… He’d made bail. He’d fucking made bail.
“When are they coming for him”, Donna asks lighting a cigarette.
“Trials next week”, Loretta Fenton says, “They go after people just because they are a little special, little anti-social. They do it all the time.”
“Fuckers”, Donna says and Loretta winces.
Veronica comes back in and when no one comments on the purple tube top and leopard legging she is wearing she rolls her eyes, clearly wanting the attention back on her. I could pay attention to her, get on her good side. Veronica flops down in her computer chair and puts her headphones in.
Time seem to slow down as the women kept talking. I pretend to read the info packets from the places I’d applied to, I turn my head when I hear Allen coming back up the steps. He looks younger than 36 with clean cut premature graying hair and dull dark brown eyes. His features are all soft lines, he looks innocent. He looks…hungry. Pathetic. Pitiful. Average.
“Ya’ll wanna stay for Dinner”, Donna asks and the smell from the kitchen is making me nauseous all of a sudden.
“No”, Loretta says, “I got other patients to see. I’ll come change Charity’s bag tomorrow.”
“Veronica, get ‘em something to go. You shouldn’t be worrying about meals, Hun.” Donna shouts to get Veronica’s attention.
Veronica makes a noise like a bothered teen instead of a thirty something mother of two, she slips off the headphones and pads off into the kitchen. Loretta Fenton seems a little put out, maybe she knew what a god-awful cook Donna was.
I can’t take my eyes off of Allen Fenton as he packs up his mother’s medical bag, he’s tall…a lot taller than Sofia. I glance at his roughened hands, she doesn’t like it when I touch her what would make him think he could….
I start chocking trying not to vomit.
“You alright, baby”, Loretta asks but I maneuver to the back porch, open the screen door and throw up on the back steps. I swish my mouth out with water from the hose then turn the water hose on high to clean off the steps.
“Shit”, I squeeze my eyes shut so I won’t think about his hands again.
I stay on the porch until I see them leave. I can’t stand to look at him again or even be in the same fucking room. I rip off the used up fentanyl patch and put on another one I’d bought off Donna with credit. A blue light in the corner catches my eye, I wheel over to the corner where an A/C unit is now comfortably plugged in.
Charity was laying in the corner on an assortment of fluffy pillow and blankets. Her hair was cut into an even bowl cut and glossy, she smelled clean and her lips were no longer cracked and bleeding but there was a pacifier in her mouth and a strip of medical tape around her face to keep it in. She smelled like cheap soap and her skin looked ashen and dry. Three cups of thick formula are in cooler in the corner labeled dinner, breakfast and lunch. The DVD player was restarting and a Tinkerbell movie started to replay.
She squeals when I start taking the medical tape off, the pacifier falls out and she starts screeching.
“The fuck are you doing out there” Veronica calls.
“Nothing, nothing”, I put the pacifier and tape back on.
“Leave her alone”, Veronica says coming to the door.
“It’s okay”, I say fixing the blankets around her. Veronica raises an eyebrow and heads back into the house.
I have to get high just to get the images of Allen on top of Sofia out of my mind. I was an artist, I was a visual person and I when I closed my eyes I saw him violating her. I use some of my pawned camera money to pay Donna for three pills, which she gives up easily.
“For what it’s worth”, Donna said handing me a fresh razor to cut the pills, “I really don’t think he did anything. He’s harmless. Loretta is a good friend that boy is her miracle baby. She’d never let him do anything bad”
“I don’t want to talk about it.” I mumble. I don’t even bother with a needle I just snort it.
I roll myself back out the patio and a few minutes later Veronica comes out and hands me a plate of cream of mushroom mixed with ground beef, penne, and topped with cheddar cheese biscuits. She’s dressed for work in her McDonalds’ visor on and polo shirt.
“You don’t have to feed me”, I tell her.
“I know. This is my portion. I ate with my girl’s while we were shopping. We went to Sal’s . . . he is looking for a lunchtime dishwasher.”
“Cups and Saucers? That was my high school job.” I remind her.
“Cups and Saucers?” she mocks making a face and doing a bad transatlantic accent. Only Petal Brooke people called it that. We always called it Sal’s.
“You know what I mean”, I say, “…but yeah, I’ll give him a call. I think I have his number. Thanks, Veronica.”
I try some of the casserole and it takes like a solid salt block, but I also don’t mind it.
“I like you Tomas”, Veronica says and I just nod my head, “and…look maybe I should have told you what was in that first stash, but you looked so miserable in that shop. I didn’t know it’d fuck you up “
“I knew it would and I still did it.”, I said trying this whole accountability thing, “I’m also like…dealing with chronic pain so I tried to justify it this time.”
“…yeah, Judson told me…”
She trailed off.
“He told you I have HIV.”
She nods.
“Are you still seeing him?” I ask.
“Not unless you give me a reason not to “, she says sitting down and tapping my leg.
“Sofia won’t talk to me, so I don’t know what the deal is. Do you even like me like that?”
“You’re an amazing tattoo artist, you lived in New York City…I don’t know about old Tomas Alexander but I’d be interested now. Lord knows you are a hottie when you are sober. What about you ?”
I shrugged. Sure, Veronica was pretty and I liked that she was a mom meaning she wouldn’t want kids but she had so much fucking baggage. Her mom…whatever the fuck was happening with Judson.
“I’ve gotta get clean before I think about anything else.”
“Okay, well…I’m going to be late.”
She gets up and quickly checks on Charity before heading out to her little red hatchback.
I take my HAART beating that fucking alarm clock by two seconds, then after two bites toss the greasy casserole in the trash can. I roll back over to check on Charity. There is thick formula smeared all over her face and hands, I try to wipe it off but she screams at the touch and almost hits me. I feel like that’s just her way of communicating because she quiets down after a few minutes.
“You have a really good nurse”, I tell Charity, “I mean Nurse Sofia not Loretta. She does a better job doesn’t she? What are we going to do when she can’t take care of us anymore?”
I feel like weird sitting there watching the movie with her, even though she was technically technically my niece or half-niece. I’m glad she can’t talk because I don’t want to have to ask about Allen. I move back her blankets. She is just in a diaper and a catheter is tapped to her little leg, maybe Loretta did it? Maybe Allen just watched or cleaned up. Maybe Maybe Maybe. No one would leave him alone with her…right? She was so young. Too young for anyone to look at her like that. Right?
I notice a little sparkly temporary tattoo above her other knee. At first I think it’s kind of amusing but I take a closer look, it’s very neat and freshly applied. If Loretta cleaned her, it must have just been put on. Or maybe it wasn’t. Maybe Evianna or Sofia put it on before she was dropped off.
Maybe Allen did it.
Maybe.
Fuck it. Maybe wasn’t good enough.
I fall asleep in the lounge chair while Charity’s DVD plays again. It’s almost 2am when I hear Veronica come back in from her shift. Veronica sits on her computer for a while before heading off to bed.
Once Veronica s asleep I balance my way down the steps and to the front yard. I get as far from the neighborhood as I can before calling Child Protective Services. I’ve got maybe 7 minutes left on my phone so I make it quick. It takes four phone trees until I get to a person.
“What’s your report, sir?” The tired woman asks.
“I’ve got a neighbor on Dutch Tulip Way, they’ve got this kid with special needs who sleeps outside and I just think ya’ll need to get someone out here.”
“Do you have names?” the woman asks. I was running out of minutes.
“No, but I just think someone needs to check in. I don’t think they should have her outside.”
I hang up and head back to the house. I don’t sleep, instead I pack a bag for Charity’s so it’s easier when they come for her. I’m on my way out the front door so I don’t have to be here, when I see the lights in the driveway. CPS bangs on the door and all the lights in the house cut on.
“Fuck this”, Veronica says opening the door.
A team of three social workers come in and there is an officer outside. Veronica’s mom had fallen asleep half-naked on the couch and tries to cover herself up when they come in. I just hide in the kitchen hoping they don’t recognize my voice from the call. When one of the agents comes into the kitchen he gives me the look he’d probably given tons of creepy low-lives hanging around I houses they don’t belong in.
Donna looks around real nervous. She was good at hiding her shit but there was a bong sitting out on the table .I hear Veronica on the phone with Judson and she keeps apologizing to the people when they ask her rhetorical questions.
“Is this really where she sleeps?”
“When’s the last time she ate?
“How many people live in the house?”
I might have caused more trouble than I expected because legally Veronica wasn’t supposed to have overnight custody at all. The agents just agree to take Charity back to Judson’s while they search the house. Donna roughly changes Charity’s diaper while begging them not to arrest Veronica. Donna screams and lets out a curse when Charity’s catheter bag burst.
Charity had been screaming the whole time and I hadn’t even though about how traumatizing this would be for her. Strange people, moving her from person to person in the middle of the night.
“I’m so sorry”, Veronica says to Charity as they take her out, “Really.”
The officers leave quickly after giving Veronica a citation and scheduling a court hearing. When the door slams she slumps on the couch next to her mother who holds her close and strokes her hair
“I didn’t do anything wrong”, Veronica says, “I was trying to help.”
“It’s okay”, Donna says, “It was a misunderstanding is all. That’s it, sugar”
+2+
Sofia
Katie has the girls come in the backroom with her when CPS comes. I didn’t know why they were coming but Judson had received a phone call in the middle of the night and knocked on my bedroom door to wake me up. I hated that my instinct was to hide Elijah the minute I saw the cars flashing yellow lights.
“Go in the back with Katie”, Judson says once I’m awake.
“Why?”
“Just go.”
In the bedroom the girls, Garnett and Katie are all huddled behind the bed and I join them. Katie is holding on tight to Garnett and Tami-Lynn. We listen as an agent talks to Judson about his custody arrangement. I peek out the bedroom window and see an agent bringing Charity inside.
I let out a breath knowing they aren’t coming for the kids and I head out to the living room, nearly tripping over DVDs and the girl’s toys.
“What happened?” I asked as they set Charity down on the couch.
“Who is this?” the agent asks Judson.
“Roommate”, Judson says.
I set Elijah back down in my room and come back for Charity.
“She’s covered in urine. I can get her cleaned up.” I tell the agent and Judson.
The agent seems okay with it and I take Charity to the bathtub. She screams and kicks at me the whole time, Judson peeks in but heads back out when I start to remove the catheter with the broken bag. I don’t have the right materials and I know it hurts. I knew showing empathy was important but I try not to cry.
By the time I finish cleaning her up and feed her some of Elijah’s gluten-free oatmeal some of her color has come back. I set her back down in her bed but she screams when I leave. I pick her up again and this time she puts her arms around my neck and lays her head on my shoulder. I carry her out to the living room.
“Is everything okay?” I ask Judson.
“Veronica is being a fuck-up again”, Judson says, “Now we are both going to get in trouble for not following the custody agreement. We had an off the record deal so she could see Charity more. God she and Tomas deserve each other. You know they are living together now.”
I tried not to show my surprise. It didn’t matter. Tomas Alexander was no longer my concern. I’d spent the last two weeks mourning the loss of him. The truth was I wasn’t sure what I was missing…he’d always just been there holding me down…like an anchor and not in a good way. I just couldn’t go back into a relationship fueled by drugs. I had a future I was running towards.
Judson and I had settled on a truce after Tomas left. Judson drove me to the bus station whenever I had a meeting. It was always silent and I always paid him for the gas. When I wasn’t in Petal Brooke I still snuck into Charity’s room to help with little things I felt were important to make a person feel whole like changing her diaper, washing her hair and sometimes just talking to her. It kept me busy and I needed all the distraction I could get.
Judson took Charity from my arms and we both let out a little sound of relief at the way she clung to him. He seemed a little surprised at first but I loved that she felt comfort with him. Charity smiled a little when his beard tickled her cheek. I felt like I’d somehow made that moment happen. Like I’d woken Charity up and shown Judson what was possible. Life was hard but he wanted to be a good dad.
“How bad was he using?”, I ask Judson
“It’s Tomas, he pumps as much shit in his system as he can when anything gets hard.”
“When we were I New York he wasn’t like that. He’d been clean for almost two years.”
“I’d pay to see that. Look CPS is going to be up my ass. If you want you can live here for free if you take care of Charity so Katie doesn’t have to”
“I’ll watch her for free. I have the money for rent now that and the trial is starting soon, so Elijah and I will be leaving in a few weeks.”
“Sure you are”, he said and leaned over to kiss my cheek.
“Judson”, I said glad he was holding Charity.
“Sorry. You just looked sad.”
“I’m not. I’m good. I’ll watch Charity when I can, okay.”
It was probably innocent, but I’d seen him kiss Katie that same way. I felt like I couldn’t breathe until he was in his bedroom. I locked the door to my bedroom, Elijah was still sound asleep with the aromatherapy plushy I’d splurged and bought him for being so patient with me this summer.
My cell phone rings and I rush to get it before Elijah wakes up. It’s a number that’s called me 13 times this week that I’ve been ignoring. I press talk deciding to give him just a few seconds.
“Sofia ?”, It’s Tomas’s voice but he doesn’t sound like himself. He’s not clean…I can tell, “Sofia ? It’ s me…Judson ? Is this Judson ? I…I called the police…he was here…I…I can’t talk. Are you okay ? Sofia ? Sofia ? Be careful. Sofia…I…saw him”
I end the call the minute I realize what he means when he says he was here. I tip toed into the hall and saw Judson still sitting with Charity. She was safe for now in her father’s arms. I just had to make sure it stayed that way.
+3+
Tomas
Veronica and Donna walk around in a quiet daze following the CPS visit. I think they keep expecting the cops to show up again and raid Donna’s medicine cabinet but after getting a lawyer all Veronica had to do is pay a fine.
I ended up calling Sal Pellis, he was a small-town entrepreneur and former good friend/client of my mom. We talked about the trouble I got into in high school and after convincing him I was good for it, he offered me a few shifts a week at Cups and Saucers. I only took in $200 dollars a week, but the job meant I was gone most of the day and that I had money to sign up at a methadone clinic to get me through withdrawal.
During the week I got up at 4am and took a shower in a house where I didn’t really belong, I put on one of the three outfits I owned, filled up my water bottle and went to be first in line at the methadone clinic.
Sometimes Tex would give me a ride to the bus station since he was a bartender at the restaurant next to the clinic, most days I’d just take myself there in the scorching heat. It fucked with my chair to put so much wear on it. Veronica and I spent a day on google trying to fix rusted out parts with her sparkly pink tools. The crosstown buses weren’t accessible so most of the time I eased into a seat with my chair folded in the next me. I kept thinking I’d see Sofia on the bus but 6am was probably too early for Eli.
I’d catch a second bus to the RiverFront and then backtrack 2 miles in my chair to Cups and Saucers, it was a two hour commute for a five hour shift. I got a lot of sketching done. I’d filled up my only book and picked up a new one from the dollar store.
My only other saving grace was that my chair fit perfectly behind the industrial sink at Cups and Saucers. I’d adjust the height of my chair before slipping on a pair of heat resistant gloves, a facemask and hairnet before plunging my hands in the scalding soapy water.
It was like being trapped in a hot sweltering box, in my peripheral I could see the café cooks making sandwiches, heating up soups and tossing salads. The tinny sound of plate stacking up next to me and the manager yelling at me for being cheaper, but not much faster, than the expensive dishwashers they ran during breakfast and evening shifts.
I smoked one cigarette a day during my fifteen minute breaks, just to keep my nerves at bay and so I could get a break from the sudsy inferno. Somehow during one of these breaks Bobby sees me in the alley, he does a double take, walks over and stares at me.
“What?” I say hoping he isn’t going to jump me.
“Thought you were dead. Judson won’t even let me mention your name at the shop, bro.”
“I didn’t even do anything to him”, I say like I owe Bobby anything. I want to ask about Sofia but I don’t want to know what Judson has been saying about her in the shop.
“You working here?” He asks.
“Yeah” I say reaching for one more cigarette.
“See, I knew you had enough of New York. Welcome home.”
“It’s not like that. I just need to get enough money for a ticket back, plus I have some other shit. What are you doing in Petal Brooke?”
“Got business with college kids.”
For the first time I notice Bobby’s tattoos. I’d avoided
getting to close to him because he got fucking manic about his space. Most of his tats are shitty prison tattoos but he’s got a lot of weird mash
up tattoos that stand out in a good way
“You know…I never got to see your work.” I say taking a closer look, “You any good ?”
He smiles.
“I got shit at my place. Come see what I can do.”
+++
Bobby lives near the Petal Brook side of the bridge in an apartment complex with a decent river view. It’s the wrong side of the river view but a view is a view. He’s got a nice tattoo station set up in his living room, two of his roommates are a pair of brothers in the middle of a marathon PlayStation game. His equipment is pretty clean and he shows off tattoos he did on his roommates. I’m really fucking impressed. His shadows are pristine and I’ve never seen lines that clean and smooth.
“I want you to tattoo me”, I said looking at some of his work.
I’d done my own art, I really just wanted him to trace it. The tattoo I thought would fit nicely into the mural on my lower back. It was the flat topped lopping view of Riverside from Petal Brooke. I’d spent six hours sketching the view when I waited for a bus last week. It wasn’t’ much to look at but I was ready to put this town behind me, at least as far as the tattoo went.
I talked Bobby through the technique and made him use my own stash of needles. Getting tattooed on a cheap kitchen table wasn’t ideal but I I’d forgotten how much I’d missed being under the needle. This was the kind of pain I could live with.
“So Judson is pissed at me?” I ask once I approve the outline. There was less room on my back than I remembered so he had to redo the pattern. When did I get so fucking scrawny?
“I guess. He doesn’t really talk about you anymore.” Bobby settles in for what is going to be one of many sessions.
“What about Sofia?” I finally feel brave enough to ask.
“Your girl?”
“Does he talk about her?”,
“I don’t ask him about his personal life”, he says and he rolls back in his office chair and puts a square of ecstasy on his tongue. I’m worried, but he had a process that involved him being high. He offers me a square but I decline. Fuck party drugs, but I do go for the pot.
“You sure about this tattoo”, he says, “You want to put this place behind you? Cause we got a room for rent. Tank, my other roomie just got 5 years so he ain’t going to be paying rent soon.
“Wow, a whole fucking room.”
“Fuck you”, he says laughing.
Fuck. Maybe I wasn’t ready to let go.