Sofia
Elijah and I are on a strict budget. I’ve put away $150 dollars for the bus tickets back to New York City and I keep enough saved for the first month’s rent when we get back to Queens. I’d already spoken with our landlord Mr. Randolph about the transition. Even though New York wasn’t really my home, I did have a semester to finish and then….I could go anywhere.
I’d lived in Colorado until I was 10, but I didn’t have that many memories except for the mountains, school and the terrible day I was taken from my mother and placed in a foster care until I met Severine.
I needed a plan for the rest of my life and with just a few days before the trial it seemed like a good day to go to the library to do some research. I needed to put the trial out of my head and focus on the future. Once I had Elijah ready to go, I went to put Charity in the double stroller I’d borrowed from Katie. Charity squealed when I put her in it, but it sounded like an excited squeal like when she did whenever she heard the girls singing.
True to his word Judson had relaxed when it came to me watching Charity. He didn’t freak out if I was in her room and the more I encouraged Evianna and Tammi-Lynn to play with her, the more she was beginning to express herself in small ways buy smiling or reaching for things. They’d done makeovers and had tea parties with her and Katie. Judson had even started spending evenings with me going over all the things Charity was starting to do. It was little things like making eye contact and engaging. She’d started hugging her father whenever she saw him, she could hold a sippy cup and use a spoon to eat yogurt.
I had never considered being a pediatric nurse because I wanted a higher salary, but I loved watching this little girl develop in her own way and maybe watching a child thrive was better than a bigger paycheck
“Katie”, I call out, “We’re going to the library, do you and the girls want to go?”
“Naw, they are fine and I don’t think I can make up them hills”, she stops when she sees me in the living room, “…are you taking Charity outside…by yourself. Is Judson okay with that? “
“It’s not that far and it’s pretty safe in the day time.”
“Judson don’t like to take her out. He says too much stimulation makes her act up and hurt herself.”
“Which is it?”, I ask Katie grabbing water bottles I’d purchased in the fridge, “Judson says she’s a vegetable, Judson says she hurt herself, Judson says she can’t walk, Judson says she only eats that or does this. She is doing better…you can’t just believe everything he says.”
Katie just looks at me speechless and heads back to her bedroom. I head out into the mild late summer day, the warm August weather seems to calm Elijah’s fussiness. Charity was quiet, her eyes taking in the route.
Once we get to the library I see a girl who looks kind of familiar working the front desk. I think I worked with her at the department store’s make-up counter together. She had on a book printed skirt and her desk was protected by bullet proof glass. It was busy so I had to take a number to wait for a computer.
I’d written a list of specialties and job locations I wanted to research so I could be efficient with my two hours. I knew I wanted so save up for five years before buying a house and I wanted to be somewhere with seasons.
I took Elijah and Charity to the crowded children’s section and right there on the display was the talking book Nurse Golden had read to me. It looked so silly and small. I couldn’t believe I had been eighteen trying to learn to read and talk again and this book had helped me.
I found a corner in the noise-safe room, where kids were free to run around and playing with toys. A lot of the moms were huddled in corners sleeping or yelling into their cellphones so I had to speak loudly to be heard.
“Okay”, I said taking Elijah out the stroller, “Elijah you can push the buttons and I’ll read.”
Charity kicked and swatted at me when I tried to take her out. There was a lot of people and I realized this must have been an overload for her. So I turned the strollers so she wasn’t facing the crowd. I hadn’t even realized the book had a storyline about a very happy cat helping his family pick fruit during the harvest season. When I moved Elijah’s hand to push the button the book sprang to life
“Apple”, bought a wave of sensory memories back. Elijah pushed the button on his own and I could see the hospital room so vividly.
It came back to me. I remembered the light above my head that I had to stare at because no one would sit me up. How I kept screaming that I was here but no one heard me. I tried to blink my eyes but I couldn’t fully control them. Nurse Golden was the only one who talked to me and acted like I was there. She was so patient and kind but she didn’t see everything.
I did remember the nurses huddling a lot, I remembered there would be new nurses in everyday and some of the older ones hiding in my room to cry out their frustrations.
I remembered Allen’s blue eyes. He’d been so odd. He was always smiling and the nurse seemed to know him. They were comfortable with him, they thought he was sweet but…that he needed a lot of help. There was a tiny flicker of a tall nurse berating Allen and holding…fuck…a tampon spotted with blood.
“What did you do….What did you do? This shouldn’t have happened. How did you even…fuck.”
It was so hazy, but I blocked out the things I couldn’t make myself relive.
Maybe more than one things could be true
“You are so lucky.”
I blinked and the library came back into focus, a woman scratching at her wrist smiled a toothless grin at me. I looked at the book in my hand and nearly threw it down.
“What?” I said confused.
“Your daughter is so well behaved.” The woman said.
“Oh, no. I’m her babysit—“
Then I looked around and realized Elijah was not in my lap. I got up so fast it startled Charity. Elijah was gone. I screamed then covered my mouth, all the mothers looked at me. Everything was in slow motion.
“Someone took my son”, I shouted, “Oh, God—“
“Turn around”, some annoyed lady yelled from the corner
I turned and saw Elijah crawling towards a toy train in the center of the room. The flood of relief I felt almost knocked me over.
“Elijah”, I ran and scooped him up, tears were streaming down my face so naturally he started crying too. I couldn’t get myself together and I quickly went back for the stroller and made for the exit even though my number was being called.
“I’m sorry”, I said still holding Elijah who was hollering, “it’s okay. Don’t cry. You scared me is all. I’m so sorry. I’m such a terrible mother. I keep treating you like you my patient and I forgot you were my son. I’m supposed to be your mother, did you even know I’m your mom? Have I ever told you I’m your Mom? I don’t know how to be a mom Elijah I just know how to take care of people.”
He is still crying and I pat him on the back. I think of all the words I’ve forgotten to use all the things I’ve forgotten to say until that flickering moment I realized my son was gone. He’d been gone. He’d crawled.
“Mama’s so proud of you, Elijah. I knew you could crawl”, the words still don’t feel right because they are not words I grew up with, but I’ll say them until they do, “I love you. Mama loves you. Mommy love you. We are all we have, Elijah. It’s you and me against the world, now. It’s just you and me.”
I know Elijah doesn’t understand what I’m saying and I’m glad he doesn’t know how much the world is going to be against us. How I hate the decisions I made that placed him in my life so soon and how I would never be enough for him, because my mother was barely enough for me. I’m crying because I’m totally unprepared for how hard our future is going to be before it gets better.
Once I manage to calm myself down in the library’s lobby, I take Elijah and Charity down to the playground by the library and put Elijah down in the freshly cut grass.
“Come on, show Mama again.” I said moving myself and Charity a few inches away from. He looks very confused but after a while crawls towards us. It’s the most wonderful thing I’ve ever seen, “Look at you Elijah.”
He still has a hard time smiling but he musters up enough energy to continue “chasing” Charity and I around the little grassy patch. Charity starts clapping every time he crawls, I don’t think she understands but she just hears me cheering in her ear because my premature baby with an undeveloped heart who had with the hardest start in life and who wasn’t supposed to make it can crawl.
Elijah tires himself out after a few minutes, I wash him up in the library bathroom and make sure everyone is hydrated before walking back to the trailer.
“Next we’re going to start walking”, I tell him. He is fussy and doesn’t want to practice walking in the library’s lobby, but I know he can do it and that’s all matter, “It’s okay. We’re almost home.”
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The State V. Allen Fenton (Chapter 13)