+1+
Sofia
No one bothered me in the small corner of the open waiting area outside of the court room. I had a right to watch the rest of the trial, but I hadn’t wanted to. The bailiff had escorted me out after my cross-examination and led me to the backrow of the waiting area. Martina offered to wait with me, but I knew she wanted watch the trial.
Katie and the girls had gone with me to pick out the short sleeve floral dress and nude kitten heels I was wearing from a thrift store in Petal Brooke. Katie curled and pinned up my hair and let me borrow some lipstick. The dress was damp with sweat and I felt drained having to answer all those questions. I’d caught a glimpse of Nurse Golden being lead in to the courtroom on my way out, I hadn’t immediately recognized her outside of her scrubs.
I already knew Cartwell would ask her about my state of mind during that week of October. She’d ask her why Nurse Golden asked to have Allen rotated out of the unit and why after ten years working in that unit she transferred to a lower paying job at another hospital.
I’d seen Nurse Cici sitting out in the waiting room as well, she was the tall statuesque blonde woman I vaguely remembered always berating Allen. I was tempted to go over and ask why she never reported my bleeding. I already knew the answer though. She was overworked, tired and ready to quit.
I sit in the corner staring at the wall for hours until the courtroom doors suddenly open and a flood of people exit the courtroom, I try to make myself smaller as everyone files out. Martina and Cartwell rush over to me before anybody can come up to me.
“Hey”, Martina said, “The judge sent the jury to deliberate. Cartwell did an amazing closing. It’s almost over.”
I feel a flood of relief knowing the trial is over. It’s in the jury’s hands now.
Martina takes me to the Drive-thru Starbucks in the shopping center across from the complex so I can get some rooibos tea to calm my stomach. I can’t help but to notice a group of Allen’s supporters are gathered at the McDonalds down the street. They are standing in a circle praying. I see an older woman I assume is hi fiancé and her three kids who run around the lot oblivious to the pain across the adult’s faces. His father is in a wheel chair being tended by Allen’s tearful mother.
“I can’t wait to get out of here”, I tell Martina.
“It shouldn’t take the jury long. I can’t thank you enough for doing this.” She says holding my hand, “I wish my sister had the chance to say what you did. To call him what he was.”
“Honestly, I wish I hadn’t. I heard that people who never speak out always regret it…but I’m so ashamed.”
“You did what you had to.”
We sit in the parking lot with the air on while she briefs me on the civil case she’s putting together. I’m already sick about the idea of sitting in another court, spending more time in this town talking about my body when her phone rings we both go still.
“Haskell”, she answers. I try to read her face but she is stoic, “Okay….Sofia…jury’s back.”
We speed over to the court room and Cartwell meets us out front. This time I do file into the courtroom and sit next to Cartwell with Martina behind me. I never let my eyes drift to Allen but I can feel him when he enters the room.
“What do you have for me?” The Judge asks the jury.
“We’re still in talks”, the jury foreman says, “We’re split…”
I put my face in my hands. Why couldn’t this be over?
“Okay, I’ll give you another two hours”, the judge says
The jury files out and Cartwell and Martina start whispering. Martina takes my hand and leads me to a private room where we can wait for the verdict. I try to read magazines but my nerves are fragile. I use Cartwelll’s phone to call Katie and check on Elijah. I can hear him crying in the background and I remind myself that I need to take her out to dinner for helping me out.
There is a soft knock at the door. I turn around and see Nurse Golden.
“Sofia ?"
“Nurse Golden” I’m on my feet and we embrace for a long time.
“Sofia”, she pats my hair, “I’m so. I’m so—“
“Is this okay? Are we allowed to talk?” I ask her
“Ms. Cartwell said it was okay for me to come in. Look at you. You look so good, honey. Oh my God look at you. I knew you’d get out of the bed. I knew it.”, she wipes her eyes and hugs me again, “So, I heard you have a baby now?”
“Yes.”
She forced a smile through her tears, “And I heard you’re going to be a nurse?”
“Hopefully by the winter, you kind of inspired me. You still do…but I didn’t know you knew. Why didn’t you say anything if you knew”
“You’ll learn Sofia, people expect nurses to be superheroes but we are human. I didn’t know for sure, I thought I was being paranoid. He and his mother were so involved in the church, when I heard Martina asking around I had to say something.”
“I wish things could have been different.”
“…Tell me about school”, she says changing the subject, “Do you want to work in New York? I’m at St. Vincent’s Medical Center now and we have an amazing Nursing fellowship program for recent grads you should check out”
“I’ve got to get through my last semester in New York before I can even think about that.”
“It’s never too soon to consider.” I can tell her smile is forced but I appreciate the distraction.
I start telling her about my classes but our reunion is cut short when Martina and Cartwell come in.
“I should go”, Nurse Golden says when the two women approach.
“If it’s okay with Sofia you can stay. We actually might need you here for this”, Martina said.
Nurse Golden sat next to me and held my hand. I nodded to indicate I was okay with her hearing what they had to say.
“I heard a rumor that the jury is still undecided”, Cartwell said, “The judge may give them another day—but it’s the end of the session and it’s more likely if it’s a hung jury the judge will issue a mistrial and we’ll have to try a new case in the fall.”
“So we’d have to do this all over again”, I ask.
Cartwell gets straight to the point, “Yes. We’d have to build a new case. Maybe find some new witnesses take a new angle and we can do that …Or we can put a plead him out—“
“What?”
“Sofia, if there is a mistrial we might not have enough to build a new case and the fact that this very expensive trial might not result in a conviction won’t look good for the prosecutor’s office. I can offer him a plea deal and end it right here.” she’s talking so fast.
“What kind of deal?”
“He pleads to second degree sexual assault. Its’s a B-1 felony. It’s a conviction and you can use it to set up the civil case”, Cartwell says.
“What does that mean”, I look between the women and Martina seems to realize something I don’t.
“Look”, Cartwell starts speaking rapid fire, “The facts…the evidence shows something happened in that hospital that ruptured your hymen, whatever it was it wasn’t properly investigated, reported or followed up on. The only thing we can’t prove is what caused it. Could have been rape it could have been a tampon. This plea at least gets him on forced penetration of an incapacitated or disabled persons. He takes the plea and this is over. He goes to prison and you go home.”
“You could have handled that delicately”, Martina says.
“We don’t have time for that”, Cartwell says, “We need to get this plea on the table before the jury comes back deadlocked. You want to risk a mistrial fine--- but I can’t pick up the case again without new evidence.”
“Of course you want a plea deal”, Martina cuts in, “It’s better for your prosecutorial average.”
“This is my job”, Cartwell shoots back, “You are just in it for money—“
“How dare you—“
“Okay”, I say, “Okay. Fine. I just want to go back to New York. The plea is fine.”
Satisfied Cartwell bolts out of the room, I hear her shoes as she runs down the hallway to reach the judge before the jury is brought out again.
“You don’t have to stay, Nurse Golden.” I say turning back to her.
“It’s okay, I want to. You don’t have anyone else here.”
+++
Its three hours before Cartwell comes back in, she sticks her head in the door and makes a beckoning motion before heading back out. Nurse Golden holds my hand and walks with me all the way down into the courtroom. The judge didn’t want spectators for the sentencing so she isn’t allowed in. Martina takes my hand and leads me to sit next to Cartwell. I’m vaguely aware Allen’s Mom has been allowed in.
The judge is not happy and instructs all the lawyers to come up.
“I understand plea has been reached?” Judge Bradshaw says not looking at the attorneys.
“Yes”, they chime in, both lawyers looking nervous.
“This plea couldn’t be reached before we spent thousands of tax-payer money on a trial?” Bradshaw asks.
“No”, Cartwell said, “But we are under agreement.”
Fenton’s attorney nods.
“Okay, Mr. Fenton”, Judge Bradshaw says, “I have your plea here for second degree sexual assault. How do you plea”
“Guilty”, he says in a low shaky voice. I peek over at him He’s always been so wide-eyed and intense. He wasn’t a monster and that was the scariest thing of all.
I can hear Allen’s mother give a blood curdling shriek.
“Ma’am this is court of law”, the judge barks. She quiets down and I look down and let the warm tears wash over my face, “Before I get to sentencing I want to make it clear that both sides will be responsible for paying their full court and trial fees.”,
“Yes, your honor”, both lawyers agree.
“Now”, The Judge continues, “Mr. Fenton, you were put in a role and given responsibilities you were not fit for. Your carelessness and misdeeds lead to the physical and emotional harm of someone who was your patient. I am going to go ahead and sentence you the maximum of time of 31 months of incarceration at Middlebrook correctional including time served, after which you will be required to register as a sex offender with 20 years of probation—“
His mother started wailing as the bailiffs handcuffs and escorts Fenton out. I didn’t look up from my lap but I could hear Allen crying as they carried him off.
“Sorry….sorry-y”, he as saying but I wasn’t sure to who.
I heard the judge walking off and I could hear Martina, Cartwell and Nurse Golden talking to me. I felt catatonic.
“2 years”, I whispered, “two fucking years?”
“He would have walked”, Cartwell said, “You wanted a conviction I got you one.”
“I can’t leave. Not until you fix this. You need to fix this.” I scream and fight every urge I have to attack her.
“We have to go. Now look, we can carry you out of here or you can stand up and walk on your own two feet.”
I know she is right, I clean my eyes and force myself to stand up. I have to hold onto Martina and Nurse Golden to stay up right.
In my periphery I see Allen Fenton’s mother with a group of supporters. They are all in tears and trying to comfort her. When she seems me she tears away from them and shouts at me
“LOOK WHAT YOU DID. HE WON’T SURVIVE IN THERE. I CAN’T FORGIVE YOU FOR THIS. I CAN’T.”
She follows us toward the front door, the reverend standing with her tries to get her to come back. I keep looking forward and everyone around me starts walking faster.
“Don’t look back”, Cartwell says from behind me, “Just keep moving.”
“Wait”, someone calls, “Sofia? Sofia—wait. Wait.”
I stop against the will of the women round me and I see Tomas is a few feet away trying to maneuver his chair quickly through the crowd, I recognize his voice before I recognize him. The first thing I notice is that his wheelchair is destroyed, it’s nicked, scratched and covered in dried dirt and mud. He’s wearing a black and white flannel shirt and faded Dockers that are hanging off his thin frame, he’d lost so much weight in just a few weeks, his skin is tanned and sunburned with dark sun spots, and his unruly hair is sloppily tied back.
“Let’s take this outside”, Martina says before I can open my mouth. I can still feel Loretta Fenton staring at me. Martina, Nurse Golden and Cartwell walk me to the parking lot. Tomas follows awkwardly behind us trying to keep up.
“This was for the best”, Cartwell says in parting, “You did good and maybe other victims will come out.”
“Thank you”, I said robotically.
“It’s been good working with you”, she says and I imagine she says it to all the victims she works with. She hands me her business card and Cartwell glances at Tomas before walking back to her office on the other side of the justice complex.
Nurse Golden hugs me and murmurs something about giving me a call before walking to her car.
“Let me give you a ride back home”, Martina says eyeing Tomas.
“I’ll be there in a minute.”
Martina heads to her car and for the first time in a month I force myself to look at Tomas. Somehow I can still feel the pinpricks of rage that consumed me the night I sent him out of my life.
“Sofia, are you okay?”
“What do you mean?” I didn’t have time for this. I need to leave this place. Get back to my life.”
“I was. I was in court . . . I don’t know if you saw me.”
“No Tomas, I didn’t see you. “, I said tersely
“Come on Sofia, look at me?”
He touches my wrist and I pull away.
“Really? Really Tomas? Are you still making demands? We were in town less than a month and you go back to your old ways? Getting high, abusing your pills. Dr. Lane trusted you with those pills and you fucked her over and apparently complete strangers for money. Money you used to buy more drugs when Elijah was—“
I can’t even say the words. I can’t even go back to those horrible two days when I didn’t know how to feed myself or Elijah.
“I’m sorry Sofia. I fucked up, at first it was about the pain and then it just consumed me. I’m sorry.” He was fidgeting and I could see the swollen veins underneath his rolled up button up, “I’m so sorry. I’m sorry. You look so pretty by the way…I—“
“Are you clean?”
“I’m getting clean, I mean I still want it bad…but that’s whatever. I’m on methadone so…but…. all that fucking shit is nothing compared to this.” He gestured at the court building while scratching his wrist, “They wouldn’t let me in for the verdict…what happened?”
“31 months…well 27 months… Barley three years for…some sexual assault bullshit.”
“Shit. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry”
“Please stop saying that”, I said still not able to look directly at him.
“Sorry.”
“It’s over.” I said because it was and my victory felt bittersweet, “besides I have to focus on Elijah, so I can’t deal with any of this right now, Okay.”
“Yeah…but-- how’s Eli?”
“He’s fine. I just realized I haven’t been a good mom, you know. He’s always Elijah or the baby … I never call him my son or tell him I love him, he probably thinks I’m his nanny”
“That’s not true—“
“I don’t think I’ve ever even played with him. I’ve just been his caretaker because that’s who I’ve always been. The one who has to take care of everyone. You know when I was eight I started cleaning up after my Mom and making us meals. I had to make sure she got up and went to work. I had to calm her down when she was manic and call the doctor when she went off her meds. I can’t do that again for another adult.”
“I’m clean”, he repeated, “I’ve got the methadone and I was there…Sofie…I was there in the court. You look so beautiful in that dress. I--I was there. I missed work…at Sal’s to be there….I’m sorry please .Don’t leave me here. Please…I can’t stay here.”
He grabbed my arm and I had to pull away again.
“You need to focus on recovery and I can’t help you through that”, I said, “I came here to do what I needed to do. The trial is over and I’m going home to play with my son for the rest of the summer. I’m making my own way and you need to do the same.”
“…What about us…”
“I don’t know, Tomas. It’s just not a priority for me anymore. I’ll make my way you make yours.”
“I need you Sofia. I’m so sorry. I'll...I'm...”
“I told you Tomas, I don’t care what you need anymore. I’m focusing on getting Elijah and Charity back to New York. Getting my degree and starting the rest of my life.”
I have the money from selling the car in my purse. I count out the 150$ I was going to use to restart my savings and hand it to him, he really looks like he needs it. He takes the money but after some consideration gives me the fifty back.
“Do not put that in your arm”, I warn him.
“I’m clean Sofia”, he insist again but I can see the corner of the fentanyl patch on his chest. He’d be chasing that pain away until it killed him. He puts his hand over the spot and shakes his head as if I’m misunderstanding something.
“That just helps with the withdrawal”, he says covering the patch, “So I can work...”
“You don’t have a prescription. It’s illegal and you are depending on it.”
He looks down at his chest and shakes his head, “Fuck, Sofia it’s so hard.”
“Bye Tomas.”
“Wait…” he looks up, “Did you say you are taking Charity to New York?”
“Yes. Because this town hurts people, because her dad is an overwhelmed pathological liar, everyone does the bare fucking minimum and her mother let Allen Fenton be her caretaker. When he gets out…then what? She can’t defend herself, she can’t speak for herself. And if it’s not Allen there are more like him. No one is looking out for her best interest.”
“Someone will take care of her. You can’t just take her.”
“I'm not going to take her. I’m going to adopt her.”
+++
Tomas
Ms. Haskell’s car drove past me as I wheel my way over to the bus station adjacent to the Justice Complex’s parking lot. Sofia was facing forward doing everything in her power not to look at me.
It’s hot as fucking hell today, I wipe the dripping sweat off my face and join the line for the bus. A few people at the bus station are country staffers but most of them are regular citizens stone faced after being screwed over by the system. It’s real easy to tell the ones who left with less people than they came with. They keep looking around like they lost something.
Sofia hadn’t noticed me during trial, she never looked at anyone but the judge and lawyers. I’d’ found a good spot in the back by the A/C and hadn’t moved all day during the entire proceedings.
She had her hair up in a formal prom hairstyle, she looked so pretty in that light blue dress like the princess in the movies Judson’s daughters liked to watch. She wasn’t wearing any make up, her expression was blank and that jury seemed to be really studying her. When the lawyers started questioning her my stomach felt tight.
I hadn’t been able to look while she testified, I just kept watching the jury. I hadn’t even realized she was about to faint during questioning until I looked up and saw the staff reporter and lawyer running for the box. I tried to move but I was trapped in the backrow. I glanced at Allen who still had that dumb blank expression on his face.
During the recess I went to the bathroom and realized I looked like shit. I put the patch on to get through the trial with the pain dulled. I saw Sofia sitting in the corner by herself just looking at the wall. She looked so sad, and I wanted to go over to her but the bailiff standing in the hall wouldn’t let me.
I waited through the entire trial. I sat in the back when the first verdict didn’t come in and waited outside while they made the plea deal. Loretta recognized me from Donna’ house but didn’t say anything on her way out.
31 months minus the 4 he already served.
It’d barley be anything for him considering he’d raped her more than once and gotten away with it.
+2+
When the bus pulls into the main station I have a decent dinner at the bar and grill by the station with the money Sofia gave me. She was such a fucking saint, I’d been an incoherent mess. I’d screwed her over and she didn’t think twice about giving me money. I’d spent so much on methadone treatment that I’d mostly been living off free leftovers from Sal’s, since I couldn’t stomach Donna’s cooking. Before starting the trek back to Veronica’s I saw a guy selling in a back booth, I must have been staring hard because he gestured me over but I kept my head down.
Veronica and I get back to her house at the same time around midnight, I’m grateful because even though I’d had worse roommates than Donna I hated being alone with her, she talked bad about everyone like she is living some good ideal life because she went to church sometimes. It might also be because I knew she thought Allen was innocent because he loved Jesus.
We went in through the backyard because it was easier in my chair. The back porch door was open, if Charity had been here she’d still be out there
“Long day?” I ask as she throws her keys and name tag onto the coffee table.
“I don’t know”, she said, “You look like shit. I’ll let you use the shower first.”
They had the world’s smallest bathroom and filled every inch of it with bins of makeup and hair accessories. Since the previous tenant MawMaw was actually Donna’s elderly grandmother and Donna was handicapped the walk in tub had a built-in chair and reinforced bars. I’d still fallen dozens of times because even when the pain was gone I had zero strength in my legs. They might as well be toothpicks. I didn’t know how I was going to manage when I moved in with Bobby and the brothers.
I tried wash the entire day off of me with care to keep my back dry, my dollar store shampoo/conditioner body wash smelled like expired old spice. I used some of Veronica’s needlessly fancy lotion so the ink on my skin wouldn’t discolor. It takes me another hour to get my underwear and pants on.
“This is what I get for being nice”, Veronica says after I made her wait.
“Can you do me a favor?” I ask, “I want to take the bandages off my tattoo.”
She springs up, “Oh, I can’t wait to see it.”
She pushes my wheelchair into her room, which she graciously lets me sleep in when she was staying overnight with a guy. I lie on her bed and roll my shirt up. She rips the bandages off and if I wasn’t wearing that patch I’d probably felt it.
“You’re going to take my skin off”
“It looks good”, she says and she runs her hand down my bare back and a pleasant shiver runs through me, “I mean it’s still swollen but Bobby did good. Crazy makes good art.”
She grabs some mirrors and we maneuver around the room until I can see it. The Riverside skyline is perfectly detailed, its photo realistic and he got the shading on the watery reflection just right.
“Oh”, she says, “Let’s celebrate!”
She digs out a bowl from the closet and grabs some pot from her mom’s stash.
“How the fuck do you use this thing”, she asks.
“Really?”
“What? I never went to college.”
I pack it for her with the cheap pot she bought from her mom and once it’s lit up I take on obligatory hit before passing it to her. She has a bunch of scented votive candles light and the boom box set up her dad put together when she as a kid is on the dresser playing some god awful emo band.
“Is there a drug you don’t know how to use” she asks, “”You’ve got skills Mr. Alexander”
“I’ve got shit”, I say flipping through her yearbook.
“So, like…how as today”, She asks jumping on to the bed next to me. She’d changed into a heavy metal t-shirt and a pair of high wasted polka dot cotton shorts that show off her long legs. She hands me a peach-watermelon wine cooler and I side-eye her when she takes a sip.
“He got like two years.”
“Damn, that’s nothing, right?”
“How could you let him around Charity?”
She throws a hand up, “She’s a practically baby and he just helps his mom out. Besides I don’t think CPS or whatever will let her come back over here.”
“Yeah, but still…”
“We needed the help and Loretta is so sweet.” she says shaking the ashes out of the bowl, “you know Skeeter from the post office told me that his supervisor said a few years ago Allen used to get like these real big packages from like China and shit. He said he heard a rumor that they were super realistic looking sex doll things just so he could...i don’t know get a feel for fucking. I think his mom must have got fed up with those things cause she set him up with every chick living at the homeless shelter until one decided to be his fiancé. Like he must have been fucking that real pussy all the time—“
“Veronica—“
“No. So I was saying…or thinking like maybe Allen though Sofia was one of those dolls his mom threw away. She all tiny and shit, right? Like maybe He got confused or something”
“That’s disgusting.”
“Or maybe he had a mental break like those guys on TV, but like…what if he really didn’t do anything. What if he really is innocent? Do you ever think about that? Maybe he didn't know it was...wrong” she grabs a second wine cooler.
“No. He did it. It was really bad Veronica. Worse that I thought.”
She flops down on the pillow next to me and we just lay there facing each other. She runs that back of her hand over my face and down my arm.
“Why are you so banged up’”, she asks.
“I guess I’ve been spending too much time around a girl who finally let me take the hard hits.”
The corner of her lip tugs up a little bit, she leans towards me. My eyes are studying her as she tries to anticipate my next move, but I have zero no moves. After what feel like minutes our lips meet, it’s a slow soft kiss. It’s isolated with just a little bit of tongue.
When we kiss again and I think.
This is how my first time should have been. Tucked away in the bedroom of a girl I liked but didn’t love—a little bit older with candles and music I liked but pretend to hate. Just chilled and laidback with no expectations or commitments. Not traumatizing or life altering. Just a moment to pass one depressing day in Riverside into the next.
“I should warn you I’m a terrible lover”, I tell her when we finally part.
She breaks out laughing and takes a sip from her wine cooler, “You are not.”
“I’m the jackass who forgets a couple drops of lube isn’t foreplay.”
“You are terrible.” she says half joking, “I hope you stay in town instead of going back to being a rockstar in New York. I always liked you but Judson was always around you know…”
I shrug my shoulders
“I don’t know. I mean I loved my job in New York but my boss won’t let me back until I’m clean clean. Sofia doesn’t want to deal with me……speaking of Sofia told me she wants to adopt Charity”
Veronica rolls over on her back.
“Why?”
“Because Nurse Sofia needs more patients.” I say but I know
there is more to it than that, and that scares me.
“Judson is never gonna let go of that 400 state check.”
“Really? He gets that much money for her?”
“That’s just what I heard, but I don’t have any parental rights or anything…but don’t let her do it?”
“I don’t think she’s trying to replace you—“
“It’s not that. It’s just you think having a little girl is going to be like raising your future best friend you can put in cute dresses, but it’s not like that with her. When she was in foster care the doctor told Judson and I what it’d be like taking custody and raising her impaired…we didn’t think we could handle it. That’s why Mama and I got Loretta to help. It’s not just eighteen years. You gotta make a plan for when you die so she can be taken care of, you got to put money away to for her to live on. You’ll never be able to take a vacation, you won’t have a real retirement”
“You should probably talk to Sofia”, I decide, “Maybe Sofia can find her a wealthy family in Petal Brooke to stay with like she did.”
“So what”, she says and I can tell she’s changing the subject, “Are you staying?”
I take in a deep breath and settle back into my wheelchair, “I don’t know”
“If you stay you don’t have to sleep outside”, she says turning the music down to a murmur, “You can stay here with me.”
“I don’t know.” I say, “I don’t want to do anything I’ll regret.”
“I think it’s a little too late for that Tomas Alexander"
+++