Sofia
+1+
I start randomly crying when Elijah and I set foot back in New York. It just hits me all at once and I feel like my life has been ripped in two. Before the trial and after.
It was nothing short of a miracle that Elijah was mostly quiet for the entire 12 hour bus ride back to New York. I’d further condensed our belongings down to two pieces of luggage and Elijah’s stroller. Martina had agreed to ship any court documents and anything I couldn’t bring back to my landlord’s house.
It wasn’t a graceful transition.
The fast-pace of the city was like jumping back into cold water; it was shocking but I’d expected it to be. We stayed in a hotel the first night while I got in touch with Mr. Randolph, our landlord. Because the sublette’s had the unit for another week I stayed with Mr. Randolph’s mother, Mrs. Randolph for a week.
I got back into my morning routine helping her with her care and took up shifts at the CVS again. Mrs. Randolph and her day caretaker watched Elijah while I worked, Mrs. Randolph loved having a baby around even one as fussy as Elijah and it made it easier for me to start my classes.
It was September by the time I could schedule lunch with my former supervisor at Lenox Hill Hospital to go over openings at the hospital.
“I told you”, Ms. Melanie said while looking up through her mandarin oranges salad, “There is a lot of turnover. Being a CNA is a hard job, not everyone can do it.”
“Trust me I know”, I said distantly trying to put Allen Fenton out of my mind.
“So, have you given any thought to what department you want to apply to?”
I thought about this while looking at the list of open jobs she’d printed, “Do you have anything in pediatrics?”
+++
I went back to work at the hospital in mid-September. I was offered a dual role in oncology and pediatrics, I found it be more emotionally draining than I had expected but it was good to have a steady paycheck coming in. I was also able to very easily talk to the little kids about their favorite shows, but I was mostly left to deal with cleaning up after emotionally damaged teenagers.
The only hard part was avoiding Dr. Lane in the halls. At first I wanted to corner and blame her for thinking she could trust Tomas with opioids, then I realize I just don’t want her to be disappointed in him or to ask where he was.
Elijah and I moved back into the duplex after I’d saved enough money for two months rent. I knew I’d feel the loss of Tomas’ financial support soon, but I’d just have to make it work until I graduated. I took out a huge school loan with an obscene interest rate to get us through this year.
Elijah and I had spent so much time together these past few months that it started to hurt when I left him in daycare. I had to make a huge effort not to go into nurse mode around him. I had to make myself talk to him and say as many versions of “mommy” and “I love you” that I could think of.
I kept Tomas as a far distant part of me I would deal with later. I only let myself think about him when my cell phone came in the mail. I sent back a thank you card with my new cell phone number, I got a ‘you’re welcome ‘text a few days later.
That was the last I heard from him.
+2+
3 Months Later
December 1st 2009
There is a knock at the door.
I panic and reach for the knife under my bed. At first think I’m hearing things because it’s past midnight and Elijah and I never have visitors. Then the knock comes again. Elijah is sound asleep in his crib so I slowly head to the front door knife in hand.
“Sofia”, I hear Tomas call from the other side and I feel a small bit of relief, “It’s me.”
“It’s late. What are—“
“Please Sofia, open the door.”
I open the front door and he wheels in with Charity sitting
in his lap which, unless he is still using drugs, was causing him a lot of
pain. I drop the knife and can’t believe my eyes. Charity is in New York? She
looks…okay but I can tell she’s been through something. There are rings around
her eyes that shouldn’t be there and she looks so thin and vacant. She is wrapped
up in a white leopard print blanket and she just barley acknowledges me. She
doesn’t remember me. It feels like she's regressed.
“Tomas what did you do. Why didn’t you call first?”
“I wanted to surprise you.” He says.
“What did you do? Did you kidnap her? Tomas this is not what I wanted. I’m calling--”
“The family court judge agreed to let Judson put Charity in the temporary custody of her next of kin until her next custody hearing in three months.”
“What?”
“Her next of kin. Her Aunt and Uncle in New York…us.”
“What? How did you get Judson to agree to this?
“I didn’t.”
I look out the window and see a red hatchback parked out front. Veronica jumps out the car and runs up the steps. She has on a polka dot romper and matching headband
“This looks nothing like King of Queens”, she says looking up and down the street.
“Veronica?”
“Oh, I guess we haven’t official met.”, she says sliding into the house. I close the door and feel extremely under dressed in my jogging pants and oversized hospital t-shirt. This duplex was not made for this many people.
“You did this?” I ask Veronica
“I know how much foster care sucks.” She shrugs like it’s nothing, “They are not going to give her back to Judson, so when her custody hearing came up I convinced Judson to let her stay with ya’ll until the next hearing. Tomas said you were going to become a foster parent. . . so maybe they'll place her with you instead of strangers.Tomas said you were a good caretaker with like a fancy degree. So . . .”
“You…just have to send Judson the check child welfare is going to send us”, Tomas added quietly.
That would be illegal but that was a fight for another day.
“Thank you”, I say to Veronica, “It’s just now isn’t a good time. I have finals and Elijah is--“
“Trust me there is no good time to welcome someone into your house.” Veronica folds her arms self-consciously, “Look, I love my daughter but I can’t handle all this. I want what’s best for her and I think if she’s with you at least I know she’s being taken care of. I’ll feel like I made one good choice as a mother.”
“And I’ll help”, Tomas adds, “If you’ll have me.”
I can tell this is hard for Veronica, and I feel the weight of what she is putting on me.
“Um”, I said looking at the clock, “It’s late. We can talk in the morning. The couch folds out I can get you some blankets.”
“Nah”, Veronica says, “I have a late night appointment at Venus DeMilo’s Body Art.”
She and Tomas share a conspiratorial look as she sets Charity down on the couch.
“Yep. I’ll meet you in the car Vee.” Tomas says.
“Hurry!” she says then turns to me, “…you know…I’m not like…a bad person.”
“I know you’re not.”
She hugs me again and waives good-bye to Charity before leaving. This would the first of many reunions for them, and I think Veronica knew that.
I sat down next to Charity, hoping somewhere inside she remembered me.
“Charity, I don’t know what your mom told you, but this is where Elijah and I live. I guess you’re going to live with us for a little bit. We are sort of in transition but we can make room.”
I fold out the couch and put the best sheets and blankets I
have. I turn the TV on for stimulation but it’s not what she’s used to. She’s too
tired now to really notice.
Tomas casually sets his duffel bag down on the floor.
“Is this okay?” he asks.
“I guess”, I tell him trying to figure out how I can make things work with Charity here. I’m both glad and angry that they sprung this on me.
“I promised Veronica I’d show her the city before she heads back home tomorrow.”
“What about you?” I ask.
“I’d like to stay…maybe we can take it one day at a time?”
“Are you sober?”
“Three weeks sober”, he says but he’s clearly not proud of it, “There was a lot of temptation in Riverside. I need to be away from that shit. I’ve lost two teeth, fucked my veins up, fucked my face up …but if I make it another week I get a sobriety medallion…so there is that.”
I watched Charity sleeping on the couch. She needed a bed. I nodded to get her a bed. How the hell was I going to do this?
“I want this”, I said stroking Charity’s cheek, “I don’t care about anything else. I want to take care of her. I honestly feel like some higher power like God is calling me to do this. So, if you want to stay you can’t fuck this up for me.”
“I won’t”, he says, “I promise.”
“You can’t fuck this up Tomas.”
A car horn blares from outside and startles Elijah awake.
“Fucking Veronica”, Tomas says, “I’ll get him.”
“It’s fine. You go ahead”, I busy myself putting pillows underneath the fold out couch, “Veronica is waiting.”
“Wait, Sofia. Are we okay?”
“Are we okay?” I repeat picking up his duffel bag, and taking it to my room “, “No. We are not okay. But dealing with our marriage is the last thing on my mind...”
“Sofia…what does that mean.”
“I don’t know.” I tell him because honestly I don’t.
Veronica honks again and I hurry to pick up a crying Elijah.
“You should go”, I yell from the bedroom while shushing Elijah. I take him into the living room wondering if he will remember Charity and be okay with her staying with us.
I hear Tomas say something about being back before sunrise but he’s slowly fading away from me and I feel my connection and love for him going with it. I deserve better, and I don’t have enough fight left in me to save or leave our marriage. I have just enough to put my new family together.