+1+
“…and that is where you will sit when it’s time to testify”
I sat down in the witness box with Elijah and looked around. This courtroom was cozier than the family court I’d been in New York. There were plush office seats and digital screens. It was almost sterile but large enough that I wouldn’t be too close to Allen Fenton and his lawyers.
Blair Cartwell points lazily from where she is sitting in the jury box as she describes each section of the courtroom to me. I walk around try to get comfortable with the room and what is going to take place here.
The trial started in two weeks and I couldn’t turn back now
“They are getting scared”, Cartwell says putting her feet up on the jury box railing, “Fenton’s team wants a plea deal but I told him it was too late.”
“Is It?”
She shrugs and continues writing on her legal pad, “Not really, but I want to try this in front of a jury. My office is supporting me… some of the judges not so much.”
“You do believe me, don’t you?”
“I told you”, she said not looking up, “I think two things can be true at once. When people from Petal Brooke do something to someone from Riverside we’re all supposed to sort of quietly sweep it under the rug. It doesn’t work the other way around. If anything Fenton broke one of the unspoken rules of never messing with a girl from across the bridge.”
I sat in the booth where I would testify and be cross-examined by Allen Fenton’s lawyers. Elijah’s cries are amplified by the microphone, the sound causing Cartwell to jump.
“You’re from Riverside?” I ask trying to quite Elijah down.
“Yep”, she said, “I mean we were better off financially, my dad was a farm mechanic in St. Vincent and my mom worked at a daycare. We were blue collar but …there was so much violence and fear sometimes. I got into a private school in Petal Brooke, changed my life. In a place like that you have to get out or it tears you apart, gets under your skin and fucks you up—sorry.”
“It’s okay”, I say bouncing Elijah, “Umm let’s say ...there is a little girl I know who might need some help. I don’t want to get her taken away or put in the system…I just think she needs help.”
“I’m not the police”, Cartwell says looking uncomfortable, “Call for a welfare check.”
“I don’t want to get anyone in trouble. I think she and her family might need some help…like social services.”
Cartwell shrugs, “I’ll see what I can do but. Sofia you have to see that you can’t save everyone.”
“You can’t believe that”, I say thinking of more than just Charity,”’isn’t that why you have this job?”
“I have higher aspirations”, she says, “And they all start with winning this
case.”
+++
“Charity is his baby and he likes to take care of her”, Katie explains as I help her carry in the laundry. The gruff elderly man of little words that lived in the house next door to the trailer let Katie use his wash machine and dryer since Katie was to pregnant to walk to the laundromat in this heat.
I’d gone with her and she seemed oblivious to how the man stared at us as we folded the laundry before piling it in the basket. I’d been unsure about leaving the girls and Garnett in the trailer alone while we went over, but we could easily peer through the open windows to check on them. I did keep Elijah with me since was immobile.
Elijah looked a lot better since I was able to buy a few groceries with the money Tomas had finally gotten from his client. I’d made the 25 dollars stretch as far as I could, but it was next week I was worried about. Katie had let me slip a few clothes and cloth diapers in with her laundry so at least that was covered for the week.
“Is that what you think Judson is doing ?”, I feel bad questioning Judson, she’s all starry-eyed for him after he took care of her after her boyfriend died, “taking care of her?”
“I don’t know anything about taking care of special needs kids”, Katie says with a tinge of guilt, “And Judson had a cousin like her, so he knows. The court gave him sole custody. He’s doing his best and he does a lot better than job than her Mama and Grandmamma. Those two are a trip.”
“If Judson has full custody… why does she stay at Veronica’s every other week?”
“They are flexible”, she says.
They were very flexible. I could never tell when Charity was or wasn’t in the trailer. Tomas warned me I was getting on Judson’s bad side by questioning his parenting, so I only visited Charity when he was gone. Katie and the girls were never really comfortable with it but it seemed like she was lonely and just a little bit of extra care could vastly improve her quality of life.
I don’t know if Katie knew about our money issues but sometimes If Judson wasn’t home for dinner Katie would non-chalantly ask if Elijah and I wanted dinner. I took only a small portion and usually ate in the back incase Judson walked in and started fussing.
In return I helped Katie reorganize and do a deep clean on the kid’s room. I did wonders with the off-brand Pine Sol Katie used and got all the stains out of the carpet. We reorganized the kid’s room to maximize the space and I did my best to organize the flood of toys and DVDs.
“Charity was in foster care a few months before Judson got her”, Katie says folding the last of the clothes, “They were kind of abusive but socials services had a specialist who taught her to feed herself so that was good. Judson just has to change and clean her when he gets home. Her mama has a nurse that comes by… but we can’t afford that. I mean…I’ll help after the baby, but for now Judson says he has it.”
I followed Katie back to the trailer and I offered to put away the kid’s laundry so I could spend more time with Charity. Charity didn’t acknowledge me, even when I picked up the bowls of cheap sugary oatmeal Judson left by her bedside for breakfast and dinner. He’d been running late this morning and it didn’t look like he’d taken the time to change her or the plastic sheets on her bed like he usually did. I felt heated knowing on normal days she’d have to sit like this until he came home.
I wiped her hands clean of the oatmeal and suddenly had an idea. An idea I knew would get me in trouble, but as someone devoting their life to care it was the least I could do.
The bathroom on Judson’s side of the trailer had a huge bathtub where the girls told me they like to play mermaid. I ran some warm water in the tub with a little bit of foamy body wash. Katie watched me warily as I ran the water. The girls dashed over during commercial beak and threw in some shimmery bath bombs their dad had bought them, they excitedly watched them foam and fizz into a swirl of colors.
While the girls splashed at the water I went back into Charity’s room. I carefully untangled Charity’s oxygen cord and awkwardly picked her up and used a free hand to carry the oxygen tank. She was so light and fragile that my hands shook with the fear that I might drop her.
“What are you doing?” Katie asks hovering around me, “Judson told me if we needed to wash her to do it in her room. It’s safer…she might drown…she’s really fragile…you can’t…”
“Its fine”, I assure her, “it’s not a lot of water and I won’t get the oxygen tank wet.”
A part of my brain tells me I shouldn’t be pushing boundaries like this, but she deserved to have real bath and her hair needed to be washed. It did a lot for your dignity to feel clean. I knew from first-hand experience. I carefully undressed her, once again narrating everything I was doing and why, then I placed her in the bath. Her face scrunches up in involuntary expression and she screams when her body touches the warm water. Her small limbs flail and she fights me as I try to wash her back and hair.
I realize she’s probably restless without the television to distract her, and I momentarily feel like I’ve taken her too far out of her comfort zone. I finish washing her quickly and put her in a clean t-shirt and pink Barbie jogging pants. She screams when I turn the blow dryer on and the girls and Katie hover around the bathroom watching. I do my best to trim off the damaged hair, leaving her with a bowl cut that is cute on her but a little outdated.
Katie watches me carry her back the room. I set her on one of the girls’ bean bag chairs while I change the sheets and move aside the trash I’d very nicely put in a separate corner of the room as a hint to Judson.
“She’s pretty self-sufficient, really”, Katie says with the girls huddled around her, “You don’t have to do all that. Judson said she’s like…a vegetable she don’t know what’s going on—“
“You don’t know that”, I snap. I knew exactly where that anger came from but Katie didn’t. I made my voice sound apologetic, “How long has she lived with Judson?”
“A little over a year…Veronica should really be the one doing all this. Judson says she acts all wild on purpose so the court won’t give her custody, and it’s really too much for Judson. He’s got a bad back, he can’t carry her. He’s on disability.”
I settled Charity back into her bed, she’s a little shimmery from the bath bombs but it makes her glow more. I knew when Judson saw her like this he’d understand what I was trying to do. That I was just trying to help like Nurse Golden helped me.
“I was sick like you once.” I said to Charity as Katie and the girls cleared the room, “And I had this amazing nurse, she was all smile and sunshine. She was so good at taking care of me she shielded me from bad things happening all around me. She couldn’t save e from the worst of it but she did the best she could. Anyway—I had to learn to talk and I had this talking book and when I pressed a button it would say a word and I’d have to repeat it, she’d patiently sit there with me for hours until one day I got it. Maybe we can get your dad to buy one.”
I can’t afford to buy a book like that, but I do have some fruit and items around the room we can use.
I picked up a red apple toy and held it in her line of sight.
“Apple”, I said. Her eyes moved in an unfocused manner, not once flickering to the Apple. I picked up a tangerine plushy, “Tangerine?”
That one was probably a hard one. I didn’t know anything about cognitive development of special needs kids. It was something to think about for my master’s. Right now I just knew how to make people comfortable and maybe that was all I could do here. Maybe that’s all I’d do in court. Take the hard hits to make things comfortable for someone else, for someone like Charity living in a town like this.
+2+
“Tell Sofia I’m drunk and can’t make it back today”
I dumped myself into my work chair and Judson reclined it back. I turned on the fan and let the cool air mellow out my temperature. I’d been fine this morning but I’d been at work for barley two hours before I started feeling sick.
“I’m not sticking around and watching you detox. Why do you always have to go so hard?” Judson asks.
“Because my life fucking sucks.”
Judson laughs and starts to light up, he takes just a little dose at a time every day to keep his spirits up. Like me he’d collapsed most of his good veins but you’d never know it looking at him.
“Fuck man”, Judson says almost laughing, “My life is so great. I watched my best friend OD, I got four kids to feed. One ain’t even mine. This fucking shop to deal with and that $753 disability check doesn’t cover shit. ”
“More than I have”, I said thinking about the state checks I’d seen in the mail that he got for Charity and Katie’s Medicaid.
My phone had two missed calls from Dr. Lane. I knew she was following up on my therapy and pain management, but how the fuck did she expect me to get to Asheville for group?
I felt guilty as sin buying fifty-five dollars of heroin after that night in the parking lot. But I had to in order to forget how low I’d sunk. After I shot up what I did that night was kind of a blur. But if I was honest…like really honest with myself---I could still taste the latex in my mouth. It took a shit ton of will power to not spend all the money on more heroin and all this new designer shit some guys were selling.
Instead I laid a damp twenty and five crisp one dollar bills gently on top of Sofia’s bag and she was actually fucking grateful. She’d gone to the discount grocery store and settled on 50 cent baby food and enough Peanut butter, ripe fruit and crackers to keep us going until I had another client pay.
I convinced myself I needed to buy the H so I could look for a job without the shakes. I just pushed that guilt down for three days, but it got caught in my throat when I noticed how loose some of Sofia’s dresses were fitting.
It would be okay.
It would be fucking okay.
I’d run out of heroin this morning but it would still be okay? My cravings were consuming me but I’d be okay? The pain was coming for me…but I’d be okay?
“Veronica’s mom says the hospital is going to pay ya’ll after the trial is over.” Judson says, “You can be a fucking kingpin after that.”
“Donna should keep her mouth shut” I snap. I didn’t need shit like that getting out.
“Look, I don’t give a fuck but …did it really happen? Like… my buddy Travis was in the orderly program and he said you could hear moaning in the halls sometimes, if she was coming maybe they were just fucking—“
“Shut the fuck up. Judson.”
“You’re a bitch when you detoxing. Good luck finding another job like that.”
I sat up and looked at the supply sitting out on his table, he’d been nursing the same bottle of liquid fentanyl for days. He noticed me looking and took a defensive stance.
“You owe me.”, I said, “That shit I bought was shit.”
“You bought H off the street, what did you expect. It’s mostly baby powder.”
“You have no fucking idea what this is like, Judson” I turn up the fan but I know it won’t help the sweat dripping down my forehead. The cheap heroin made me feel good but it just dulled the pain.
“Dude you always get to fucked up. Just lay your ass down and detox.” He says flipping through lunch menus
“I have AIDS”, I tell him turning my chair to face him, “and chronic pain, my wife was raped by a monster, I have to support a screaming baby that’s not even mine, I have no money and can’t get a job with a fucking felony on my record, so fuck me if I don’t want to detox on top of all that.”
“You have AIDS?” he says backing up, “Dude.”
I pick up the syringe he is preparing and stupidly put it in my mouth, “I guess this is mine now.” He looks like he wants to punch me but let’s me have the rest the dose. The liquid works fast and I can kind of think again.
“How did you get AIDS?” he finally asks, “What are you actually fucking dudes now?”
“Shit like this”, I said throwing the needles in a hazard bin instead of the recycle “I mean I don’t have AIDS, I just have an aggressive strain of HIV. Parts of my immune system is gone to shit… sometimes new drug cocktails work but every month it’s something new. My meds are so fucking expensive… I just keep accumulating debt to stay alive and my life is not worth it.”
He looks down at the POSITIVE tattooed on my knuckles and it suddenly clicks to him that I wasn’t being ironic with that tattoo.
“That’s fucked up.” Is all he says.
“Yeah. I never told my Mom. I didn’t want her to worry while she was in prison.”
“…I don’t know if I want that shit around my kids.” He says not even making eye contact with me. Bastard.
“It’s not like that”, I said fighting off another violent chill, “Goddamnit.”
Judson opens up a drawer and throws a fentanyl patch on my chest. I don’t even question the gesture, I just rip it open and stick it to my arm. It soothes the pain and the rush of the detox, but my body is still craving the comfort of a good high.
The fuck have I done?
What next?
That voice asks me.
What next?
+3+
I don’t remember sleeping that night. I don’t remember Judson closing up for the day or what Sofia looked like when we got back to the trailer. I remember Judson being pissed about something Sofia had done but all I could think about was getting high.
I think I sat in the corner of the room fucking sober and dope sick sketching out the demons in my heads and trying to figure out my next move. Elijah was really fussy. I remember that because she was so distracted she didn’t notice me shaking, scratching at my burning veins and planning. She was asleep when I vomit in the corner, I was to out of it to care. I’m fucking sober and I’m not used to the pain anymore and the intensity of it causes me to black out.
Somewhere in my thoughts I realize I have to whore myself out again if I want to put an end to this. Fuck.
I’m not doing that again
I’m not doing that again—
Shit I need to cut my hair
I need to fucking shave
I—
“Tomas are you okay?”
The sun cuts through the bedroom and I can make out a blurry Sofia cleaning up my sick. How did Sofia get up before me and she’s dressed. Elijah’s dressed, he is also crying as loud as he fucking can. Fuck. How long was I asleep? Days? Weeks?
“No. I’m… sick”
“Tomas I think we need to get you to the hospital, you’re drenched in sweat.”
She puts a thermometer in my mouth and I spit it out at her, I wasn’t her fucking patient.
“No, I’m tired or it’s probably food poisoning. That tattoo shop is a garbage heap. Just ask Judson. I’m done though with that place. I’m getting another job, so I can make some money and we won’t fucking starve.”
“Slow down. I’m more worried about buying your medication.” She says, “If we don’t pay the bill they’ll stop filling it. Tomas, your pulse is racing”
I can’t even look at her, she has to be such a fucking saint when I don’t deserve it.
“You have to go back to work, Sofia.”, My pulse won’t stop racing and I have to get this out before I die because I feel my heart is seconds from giving out, “I can’t make money in this town. We’ve got nothing. We lost everything coming here. ”
She puts her hand on my forehead.
“That’s not true…we can sell the car. It would solve a lot of problems. I’ll see if Katie knows someone who can drive us to the hospital.”
“I fucking knew it”, I sat up trying not to laugh, and “I knew we’d get stuck here. This is home sweet home now. I fucking told you.”
“Tomas—“
“You hate New York…I see how you like Petal Brooke with its fucking Whole Foods and fucking tacky shopping centers. We sell that fucking car we are never leaving.”
Sofia touches my arm and it feels like pins and needles.
“…I don’t mind deferring my classes”, she says, “We can sell the car and stay until winter. I can make good money here as a medical assistant and we can go back to New York in the spring.”
“I knew we’d get stuck here”, I say again before throwing up on the floor again.
Instead of looking pissed like a normal person she starts cleaning up. She turns back to get another towel when a loud ear-splitting screech sounds through the trailer. I hear thumping, Judson shouting and the screeching continues.
Sofia drops the towel, grabs Elijah and runs out of the room.
+++
Sofia
I recognize that scream.
Tomas seems stable so I leave the bedroom and head down to the kid’s room, Judson storms out and points a finger at me.
“WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DID”, He shouts at me, “STAY ON YOUR DAMN SIDE.”
“Is she okay?” I ask covering Elijah’s ears.
Judson makes a threatening move towards me but instead walks back into the kid’s room. I follow and see Charity sprawled out the floor, her oxygen tubes are tangled around her and a big bruise has formed on the side of her head. She was just in her leaking diaper and it looked like she’d tripped over the bucket of cold water Judson had probably left by the bedside last night after washing her.
“LOOK WHAT YOU FUCKING DID, THIS NEVER FUCKING HAPPENS”, He screams at me. Charity squeals and screams escalate as Judson hauls her up and puts her back in the bed. He throws his fist into the wall when he sees the mess on the floor.
“It’s okay I’ll clean everything up”, I said setting Elijah on one of the bunk beds.
“What the fuck did I tell you about minding your own business?
You shouldn’t be fucking with my daughter”, He says sternly throwing me some towels
at me to clean with. I
“I didn’t—“
“Shut up”, He cuts me off.
I finally hear Tomas coming down the hall, but I don’t want him getting in the middle of this. Especially if his immune system was acting up.
“Judson don’t talk to my fucking wife that way.” He says filling the doorway.
“She’s fucking with my kid”, he snaps again and points at Charity, “Look at her fucking face. JESUS CHRIST”
“She needs to be changed”, I interject. I push past Judson to where Charity is still screaming, “It’s just a bruise, it doesn’t look serious.”
I leave the mess on the floor and quickly change her diaper
and put on some clean pajamas. Charity quiets down once I have her cleaned up and
back in bed. I feel Judson’s eyes on me the whole time. I start scrubbing the
floor again and try to fix everything even though this wasn’t my fault.
“Apologize”, Tomas says to Judson, “You didn’t have to yell at Sofia like that.”
“It’s fine, he’s just a worried father.” I say which was true.
“Fuck that”, Tomas said, “He keeps her and everyone in this trailer around for the government checks.”
“I’m not getting judged by a fucking junkie.” Judson says, “Couldn’t even make it two months in this town without sucking dick to get high.”
In that moment everything seemed to stop. I sat up and
looked at him Tomas as he readjust himself in his chair, I noticed the restlessness of his
eyes and hands, I recognized something in him I thought I'd never see again.
“No”, I try to stand but Charity grabs and pulls onto the sleeve of my shirt.
“He’s---“, Tomas starts and glares at Judson. “Forget it.”
“Tomas”, I said not able to get up with Charity’s grasp on me, “Have you been using?”
“…just a little for the pain. You know how the pain is. . .”
“Dr. Lane gave you medicine...she trusted you...”
“. . .it wasn’t enough.” Is all he says.
“Is that where all the money went? Is that why we are broke ?”
“No. It’s not like that. I wasn't making money. I just…”
I didn’t like the smarmy look on Judson’s face as he walks out of the room.
“Did your really do what he said…”
“It was for money. For you and Elijah”, He tries to explain, “Just once. The shop is…it’s hard to find work and I...”
“You did that for twenty-five dollars”, I said feeling sick about the groceries I had purchased. He was biting so hard on his lip it was starting to bleed.
“It was eighty dollars.” He confesses quietly.
“Where’s the rest of money?” I ask.
“Sofia, I just needed…I just need.", he rubs at his wrist and I know exactly where the money went.
“We are broke, Tomas. I don’t know how I’m going to feed Elijah next week and you got high?”
“It’s the pain Sofia, and being here and it feels so good. It was an accident. At first it was just the fentanyl and then this other shit. I
just…I’m sorry. I’m... so sorry. I Just need to kick this and...”
Fuck
Fuck
Fuck this.
“You need to leave”, I said gently removing Charity’s grasp so I could pick up Elijah. I found a big stuffed animal for her to hold for comfort.
“Sof—“
“Leave”, I said composing a content expression.
“Sofia. I can’t just go.” He says.
He moved his hair out of his face and I could feel the heat coming off of him. I felt like I was looking into the eyes of someone I hadn’t seen in a long time. Except this time the remorse was etched on his face, but his tears did nothing for me.
“I can’t be around you and your shit right now. This is supposed to be about me Tomas.”
“It is-“
“It’s not.", I fought to control my temper, "You were supposed to have my back during this. You were supposed to be here for me. We were starving and you got fucking high? I can’t deal with this. I can’t deal with this shit and I shouldn’t have to. I shouldn’t fucking have to. I eed you to leave.”
I walk Elijah out of the room and Tomas follows me down the hallway.
“Sofia.”
“Get out. Don’t come anywhere near us again. We are done. You need to leave. You need help Tomas and I’m at my limit. We are through. You let me down for the last time. I am done with you.”
“I was trying to help. I’m sorry. I’m sorry”, he says.
“Help? How is you being high helping me face my rapist? How is bring broke helping me? I needed you and you pull this shit.”
“Please.”, he says quietly.
“If you don’t leave I’m going to call the police.”
Judson peeks his head out of his bedroom door at that. I’m sure he definitely didn’t want the police coming around.
Tomas pushes himself out of his chair in a very sad attempt at getting on his knees. His arms were still shaking his dilated eyes shone like glass.
“Just hear me out, please. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”
“We are done Tomas. Not again. I'm not doing this again. Leave. I don’t owe you anything.”
Judson steps into the hall and in a surprise move of support, he forces Tomas back into his wheelchair.
"NO", Tomas says fighting pathetically against Judson, "GET THE FUCK OFF ME."
“I think you need go, dude”, Judson says backing me up.
“Fuck you.” Tomas spits and then turns on me, “You’re such a fucking bitch Sofia. God you’re such a fucking cunt—I just need help. I'm fucking suffering...please, Sofia. Please...I'm in so much pain all the fucking time. I need help, Sofia please.”
I covered Elijah’s ears knowing it was just the drugs talking. He was full out crying now but I didn't let it effect me. Eliijah was crying too and it was just to much. I felt terrible that Tomas was in pain all the time, I knew life hadn't been easy for him but if he couldn't deal. If he was going to turn to drugs then I could not let him be in my life. I was not making that mistake again.
“I", I started, "I needed help, I needed support. I trusted you. I trusted you to support me. This was supposed to be about me.”
I fight the urge to put my hands on him, I keep my heated anger at bay and instead reach out to put the handbrakes on Tomas’ chair. Judson wheels him out of the trailer and to the road. I wait in the hallway while Judson goes into the backroom and packs up some of Tomas’ stuff to take out to him. I tried to replay the last five seconds to find out how Judson Maynor was suddenly my hero.
I could hear Tomas outside cursing and an awkward five minutes of Tomas trying to show Judson how to take the brakes of his wheelchair. Judson waits outside until Tomas is gone and I take Elijah back to our room. I sit on the floor and start crying, I had to breathe to stop myself from dry heaving. After a few minutes Katie knocks softly on the door and sits down with me. She must have heard everything…the girls and Garnett must have heard everything.
“It’s okay”, Katie says because she is barley eighteen and everything must seem like it’s going to work out to her.
“I”, I start, “I used to be just like you. Don’t turn into me, okay?”
She nods but she doesn’t really understand.
“It’s going to be okay.”